I just ordered sn, I got a scare and I feel guilty

[Aloken]

I used my dad's prepaid card and when I put the details a verification code was sent to my dad's phone. This is the one time it has happened. Of course it had to happen when I ordered sn... I got scared, I thought he saw what I ordered, but he only saw the name and the price. And I asked for the verification number and he gave it to me.............he gave to me the number that I needed to kill myself. Oh fuck

 

[WornOutLife]

I would feel exactly the same.
It's similar to the feeling of leaving all your family alone once you ctb.
I guess we have no choice but to be "selfish" in order to kill ourselves.

 

[Aloken]

I would feel exactly the same.
It's similar to the feeling of leaving all your family alone once you ctb.
I guess we have no choice but to be "selfish" in order to kill ourselves.

Yeah... I don't know... This makes me want to just fall off a building... Maybe I should cancel the order...

 

[WornOutLife]

Yeah... I don't know... This makes me want to just fall off a building... Maybe I should cancel the order...

True. If you feel too guilty and anxious about it, cancelling would be the best.
Hope you can decide what the best is.

Hugs

 

[Aloken]

I would feel exactly the same.
It's similar to the feeling of leaving all your family alone once you ctb.
I guess we have no choice but to be "selfish" in order to kill ourselves.

Yeah... I don't know... This makes me want to just fall off a building... Maybe I should cancel the order... I'm

True. If you feel too guilty and anxious about it, cancelling would be the best.
Hope you can decide what the best is.

Hugs

I ordered from the czech seller, I sent him an email after about 1,5 hours I placed my order. I'm so anxious I wanna throw up and my head hurts. Do you by chance know by experience if he answers fast to emails? Omg I'm feeling like complete shit

 

[Endeavour]

Why do you feel so bad about getting the verification code from your dad, but not about using a prepaid card given to you by your dad?

Is it that he'll feel bad because he gave you the code allowing you to buy it?

Because if you use a prepaid card he gave you, he'll feel equally the same about that.

 

[Aloken]

Why do you feel so bad about getting the verification code from your dad, but not about using a prepaid card given to you by your dad?

Is it that he'll feel bad because he gave you the code allowing you to buy it?

Because if you use a prepaid card he gave you, he'll feel equally the same about that.

I thought about that too, but it's completely different to call my dad while he's at work to ask for the verification code and to act all jolly and confused and whatever and to call him again because I screwed up the first try. He left his crazy work to help me and when I said "thanks dad" he said "don't even think about it, I'm your dad silly".

 

[Endeavour]

That was kind of my point. You felt bad because you had to have direct interaction with him to obtain your death verification code.

But him providing you with that possibility in the first place doesn't bother you, because you didn't have to ask him directly before ordering.

But either way it's still your dad who is making it possible for you. And he'll still feel crap whether you had to get the code from him or you just used his money.

 

[Aloken]

That was kind of my point. You felt bad because you had to have direct interaction with him to obtain your death verification code.

But him providing you with that possibility in the first place doesn't bother you, because you didn't have to ask him directly before ordering.

But either way it's still your dad who is making it possible for you. And he'll still feel crap whether you had to get the code from him or you just used his money.

I have thought about this myself, my emotional intelligence is pretty high. What's the point of your post? It seems guilt tripping. Can you explain what's the point of your post?

 

[fred farkle]

Yeah... I don't know... This makes me want to just fall off a building... Maybe I should cancel the order...

cancel it now!!!

 

[Aloken]

cancel it now!!!

I already sent an email to him asking for cancellation. I don't
know if he will see the email before shipping the order

cancel it now!!!

I already sent an email to him asking for cancellation. I don't
know if he will see the email before shipping the order

 

[Endeavour]

I have thought about this myself, my emotional intelligence is pretty high. What's the point of your post? It seems guilt tripping. Can you explain what's the point of your post?

I'm not trying to guilt trip you at all, I'm trying to understand the dissonance between guilt and sadness in one form (that he could blame himself for) and the other.

Make no mistake, one of my greatest concerns is the effect I will have on other people.

It's something I cannot reconcile within myself. I struggle with it.

 

[Aloken]

I see. It's not so that my dad would feel guilty, but rather that I would feel guilty because he would feel betrayed. I cannot buy the sn after this incident, because I feel extremely guilty. I have put the sn out of my mind and I will have to proceed with riskier and more gore
methods because I cannot do that to him. I don't even know if I can ever buy anything related to ctb using his prepaid card, a card that he made just for me. I don't think I can do it. I don't know, there's a sn in my country that I can buy without a card but there's no purity stating but I can't risk him thinking that this was the sn I bought
from abroad. Maybe I could state this in my note.. But still, no purity declaration and the sn method triggers my guilt towards my father now. Stabbing it is....

I'm sorry you struggle with guilt.. It's one of the most consuming feelings.. I hope you can get past this, just to have a peace of mind (I'm not saying you should ctb)

 

[Endeavour]

I'm sorry you struggle with guilt.. It's one of the most consuming feelings.. I hope you can get past this, just to have a peace of mind (I'm not saying you should ctb)

You too, I know the feelings, they aren't easy to come to terms with.

 

[rs929]

Why do you want to ctb, may I ask

 

[Aloken]

Why do you want to ctb, may I ask

There are a lot of factors. I wouldn't like to analyze them because this gives me anxiety. Let me just say because of incurable skin conditions, fear, anxiety, feeling abandoned by my love. I'm unhappy, I'm utterly broken, devastated and exhausted.

 

[rs929]

Well you said you have a high emotional intelligence though. I found that interesting.

 

[Endeavour]

There are a lot of factors. I wouldn't like to analyze them because this gives me anxiety. Let me just say because of incurable skin conditions, fear, anxiety, feeling abandoned by my love. I'm unhappy, I'm utterly broken, devastated and exhausted.

I had really bad psoriasis, I tried everything, every cream, medicine, I even tried curcumin, the works, but my legs looked like sides of ham.

Every time I saw the Dr he'd say "are you under any stress" and I reallydidn't think I was.

When I broke up with wife after 23 years, really abusive relationship (emotionally), even though that was super traumatic - the psoriasis went, with no medication, within 5 weeks.

After maybe 7 years of trying everything - it just went.

I'm not saying yours is the same of course, but stress I think plays a much bigger role on our wellbeing than we think.

I hope you can sort yours out and find happiness.

 

[Aloken]

Well you said you have a high emotional intelligence though. I found that interesting.

What do you mean?

Well you said you have a high emotional intelligence though. I found that interesting.

What do you mean?

I had really bad psoriasis, I tried everything, every cream, medicine, I even tried curcumin, the works, but my legs looked like sides of ham.

Every time I saw the Dr he'd say "are you under any stress" and I reallydidn't think I was.

When I broke up with wife after 23 years, really abusive relationship (emotionally), even though that was super traumatic - the psoriasis went, with no medication, within 5 weeks.

After maybe 7 years of trying everything - it just went.

I'm not saying yours is the same of course, but stress I think plays a much bigger role on our wellbeing than we think.

I hope you can sort yours out and find happiness.

I agree, stress really plays a role in this, but I'm not trying to live anymore. I don't want recovery now, I want to leave..