I think I hate my parents

[bugs_for_brains]

I've been slowly starting to dislike my mum and my nan (my parents, no father is involved) more and more over the past few years but I always felt too guilty to admit it and like if I admit to disliking them as people that means I'm not grateful at all for anything they've ever done for me which isn't true. I'm autistic and need more support than average 18 year olds and one thing I can say is my mum has helped me a lot in terms of coming to appointments with me, taking me to college a few years ago and overall being like a bridge between me and people that I need to communicate with (e.g. doctors, teachers, etc) to ensure I'm given what I need. I really do appreciate that but I still feel a deep sense of resentment towards her for reasons I'm abt to explain.


Most recent, confusing and serious revelation that's added to this is I basically found out my entire life, I've been lied to repeatedly. A few weeks ago, I found a ton of court documents from when I was around 4 with my name all over them. I know I shouldn't have read them because they were addressed to my parents but seriously, my name was all over them and I started to feel my heart pound. I've always felt like things have been hidden from me because of unexplained tensions in our household and especially between my parents old friends that resulted in them quickly moving us away when I was younger. It won't make sense if I try to explain in much detail but basically I would hear my nan screaming at them a lot and also at my mum. Anyway, I had absolutely no idea what they weren't telling me, just that a lot of stuff didn't make sense. But I started reading the documents and found out that the man who I was told was my dad is not. My real dad was some rando my mum got pregnant with after knowing him for 4 months when she was 18. She was also doing cocaine with him frequently and I have no proof but I think she was doing it whilst pregnant bc she definitely did before and after and I just don't see her randomly stopping completely for 9 months. This already pissed me off because she always lies to me telling me I was planned for a long time even tho I've asked her so many times since early childhood because I knew she didn't but I felt so guilty for thinking that when she told me otherwise. Statements from my mum say that my dad seemed uninterested in me but my dad said he loved caring for me and he was the only one who used to be able to get me to sleep every night. Then, my nan randomly "accused" my dad of being on cocaine and went missing after having an outburst so I was given to my mum to be taken to my nan's house to calm her down (my mum stayed with me and nan for a while, my dad stayed home) There was also a letter from the police at some point to my mum and dad saying I was to be immediately put in custody of my nan but idk where that fits in at all bc like I just said I was already taken there. Anyway, dad says he and his sister called after a while to try and gain contact back with me and it was agreed that he could spend an hour a week with me if he was supervised by a woman who I'll call Kelly (she was known to me as a close friend of my nan but will be important later). I'm assuming this is because my nan didn't want my mum around my dad so she couldn't supervise. According to my parents statements' he flipped out, turning up at my nan's house unexpectedly whilst drunk and getting very angry, going to pick me up and yelling "if I can't have her, none of you will fucking have her" and threatening my nan to burn the house down "just like" one of her family members who killed himself in a fire he set in his home. They were gonna call the police but apparently he gave up and left. My dad denies this and said the only threats he ever made were threats to go to court about his contact with me. He also denied all abuse allegations that my parents made against him when they said he would frequently grab my mum and stuff. He said that after I'd been living with my nan, she was still actively seeing him which makes sense because when I was young, my mum didn't live with me and nan so she could easily have been staying with him still. But eventually, nan found out and made my mum choose between him and her and she chose my nan. Then contact between me and dad ceased. He went to court with my parents when I was like 4 hence the documents but obviously didnt succeed in having contact with me.
(I'm not sure if I got the timeline of everything correct, it's extremely convoluted and there's differing variations of the story across statements)
I'm pissed because my dad and the people involved with helping both sides of the case as well as a specialist team all agreed it's best for me to know about my father because it impacts my relationships (e.g. with my sister and my "dad" before he left). My parents said they would consider maybe telling me when I was an "appropriate age" and gave around 16 as an estimate but it's clear they had no intentions of ever doing that.
I'm pissed because my little sister (15) is the person im closest to on the planet and they didn't ever bother to tell us we're only half siblings. I told her about all of this because they won't and I don't ever want her to find out the way I did. I'm angry that through their unwillingness to do difficult things and tell me the truth, they put the responsibility of informing my sister onto me at age 18 when I'd only just found out myself and I had to talk her through it and comfort her when my own life had just been fucked (did a better job of it that they ever could though)
I'm pissed because my mum selfishly chose to continue her pregnancy (she's against abortion but idk if that's why she didn't abort me or if she just didn't put much thought into it and decided having a kid would be fun) with a man she clearly didn't want to be a parent with and while she was so young and unprepared and on cocaine. She left me with my nan as a baby because she couldn't be bothered to look after me.


Another disturbing revelation came from these documents. My nan isn't even biologically my grandparent. Kelly (the woman from earlier who I'd been told was a family friend who was extremely involved in my childhood) is. My mum was born as a result of an affair my nan's brother was having with this woman. Nan's family wanted to keep the affair a secret so obviously her brother couldn't take the kid. And Kelly was mentally unfit to be a parent (she had borderline, bipolar and a lot of other stuff, she was hospitalised a lot throughout my childhood and also did a lot of fucked up stuff) so my nan (who's actually my aunt) agreed to take my mum. My mum was informed of the entire situation when she was young and still had a relationship with Kelly.
I wouldn't care so much about this if not for the fact that my real grandmother was actively in my life constantly. She was one of the people I used to hear nan scream at and I wonder if this had something to do with it.
I'm upset because until a few years ago when I really started to examine my family, my nan was my favorite person. She'd raised me and did more for me than my own mother and was overall the most understanding of me. I already felt devastated when I began accepting some of the terrible things my nan has done but to find out she wasn't even my bio grandparent and she just never told me kinda felt like the same emotions all over again.


I need to stop talking about this because it's seriously so difficult to understand and even more difficult to explain to people who don't know our family. I tried my absolute best but I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense, I'll elaborate on any points the best I can if you ask.


Anyway onto other reasons I dislike them that are still bad but noticeably less confusing to explain.


The way they treat my little sister is quite frankly appalling. She is mentally ill due to our childhood (which they *know* was traumatic for her because she was having night terrors in her infancy and her psychologist wanted to diagnose her with PTSD at age 14) and so sometimes she can be emotional in ways that others may not understand. I also think she is autistic too because of symptoms such as sensory issues and inability to understand social norms and control her tone (plus me and my brother both have autism so she's more likely to anyway). Despite knowing all of this, they give her shit for it all the time. I don't wanna give details of private situations but basically nan yells at her all the time for no reason when I know she wouldn't do the same to me. And mum always defends nan no matter what. There's been several times she'll start trying to explain or defend my sisters behaviour but as soon as my nan starts yelling she just suddenly agrees with her and starts shaming my sister. If I ever try to defend her, they get worse and start saying she treats me like crap and manipulates me and that's the only reason I'm defending her. But it's funny how they call her evil and narcissist and horrible but they're the only ones who ever complain about her. I think she's great, none of her friends or even ex friends have ever had the same complaints as our parents. I will admit she does get quite angry with them and is sometimes hostile but that's because she's used to being treated like shit by them so she feels the need to defend herself harshly because even her own mother won't. The amount of times she's come to me crying because she's overheard my nan saying she's horrible, saying she wants nothing to do with her and literally calling her evil is insane. And this all has been going on since she was a child. Like just imagine a grown woman screaming at an 11 year old and telling her she's abusive, just like her drug addicted absent father who abused her and that she's selfish because she admitted to being suicidal when apparently her life isn't bad enough. All while her mum just sits and agrees. For years, every time she would try and leave when this was happening, nan would yell something like "you gonna go and cut your wrists now because your life is so bad?" (they know she has a problem with this) and I remember one time even asked her if she was gonna hang herself. Again, she was a *child*


So obviously my sister gets treated terribly but even I have been treated pretty bad in ways that continue to affect me now. When I was around 11 they found out i was suicidal and one time I'd obviously irritated them somehow and I remember crying while my nan told me that if I wanna die so badly she'll give me all of her medication and I can od on the bathroom floor. She always used to tell me that I like being depressed because I don't do enough about it but I was 11 years old and trying my best. I was never disrespectful to them and like I said earlier my nan was my favorite person so every time she would yell at me like this I would have severe panic attacks as she shamed me and told me that I'm gonna end up dead or homeless. Then I would get emotional whiplash because when she started to get worried that I was crying too much and not breathing, she would randomly switch to praising me, telling me I'm the best out of everyone in the house, that she loves me, etc. And for years that messed my self image up so bad because I was going from basically being told I'm worthless to like I'm a saint. Again, my mum did fuck all during any of this and just agreed with whatever my nan did/said. Weirdly, I resent her more for that than I do my nan.


Another reason they make me sick is the way they treat my dog. We had a family dog since I was 3 that passed away when I was 14. After this, I was devastated and would in passing say things like "I miss having a dog" and that I wanted another. We had discussed getting a golden retriever in the future but ultimately decided against it. Anyway, almost 2 years ago now my mum calls me downstairs and shows me a picture of some random toy poodle puppy before informing me they were going to get him for me. I was quite stunned and had a lot of concerns. I told them I can't look after his hair and they said they'd teach me with brushing and we'd regularly take him to a groomer. I told them I was concerned about the cats because they're old and our old dog stayed in the kitchen and garden (by choice, we literally couldn't get her to come out unless she was being walked which was rare) so didn't really have much contact with them. I said I was worried because I don't know how to introduce them to each other and if it's even possible when the cats are so old and have never interacted with a dog and the puppy had never seen cats. My nan told me she had a lot of experience with animals and would help us. I told them I don't think it's a good idea because of my little brother. His autism is more severe and he can't speak, can't comprehend instruction or speech, and regularly has explosive meltdowns. I was worried he'd hurt the dog but they kept telling me over and over again he won't. I gave in because what was I supposed to do, I wasn't the one with the ability to buy the dog or not. Anyway, he arrived. Every single thing I said was going to happen, has happened. They did no training whatsoever and all he can do is sit. Me and my sister tried to train him but failed since he developed behavioral issues due to the environment. He is a very anxious dog and resource guards *everything*. He will go out of his way to pick up something to protect at all times and will bite if it's taken away but usually it needs to be removed because it's dangerous (e.g. plastic that he will eventually eat of not removed). I literally offered to pay for training classes with him as a puppy before this but my parents said they were gonna train him themselves (even tho before we got him they said they wanted him to go to puppy classes?) and then proceeded to do nothing. They would get frustrated at him when he wouldn't listen right away so they would change their training techniques rapidly and confuse him. At one point, whenever he did something wrong (picked up something he wasn't allowed, barked "too much", etc) my mum would like jab at him with her hands and even hit him on his snout (it was gentle but still obviously wrong) to the point he would get scared of people's hands for a while. Me and my sister told her sm times to stop and her response was to deny even hitting him at all as if we didn't just literally watch her do it. They also started banging pots and pans in his face to scare him when his resource guarding first started. Again me and my sister said that will make it worse, they denied this and then it made it worse so now he will bite if you even go near him while he has something. Again, I offered to pay for a behaviourist to work with him and they said no. They said they would fix it and again did fuck all except make it worse. The cats regularly try to fight him, my brother hates him and has a meltdown and wrecks the house every time the dog barks which only makes him bark more because he's distressed and then my mum yells at him for it. My brother tries to throw shit at him too and will stare at him to trigger him into barking (idk, it's part of his disability where he repeats things that have a bad outcome over and over, even if he hurts himself falling over he will try to replicate it) just so he can meltdown again. They won't get rid of the dog and my nan likes him and she has stage 4 cancer so even though my mum hates the dog there's no way she will let him be taken bc of nan. They also can't groom him at all bc he gets scared and bites. They took him to a groomer once after me and my sister begged for months and he was fine. But they said the way they shaved him was ugly and are again refusing to take him. I have told them he's gonna get severely matted and told them about dogs that needed limbs amputated or even died from lack of grooming and they don't care because he's not at that point yet. He always has random shit stuck in his fur and nobody can get it out. They don't walk him and I can't because I cannot handle him. I looked into reporting them in order to get him taken away but I can't because nothing bad enough has happened yet so they wouldn't do anything. I don't wanna make a report before I'm sure something will be done and I know nothing will yet. Even with child protective services, they won't do anything until it's too late so I know for a fact they won't do shit when it's about a dog. My mum has been called by CPS like 3 times because of complaints of my brothers noise and even one time because a woman had noticed he is allowed to play in filth naked in the backyard and eats shit off the floor. They didn't bother to visit once, my mum told them it's because he's autistic and they said ok and left. So they won't give a fuck that my dog is being made to live in shit conditions if nobody cared about my human, disabled brother.


There's other things that make them shit people like being judgemental towards everyone, accusing numerous women of lying about rape for no reason, saying racist shit, etc but there's no point getting into that because it's not really unique to them, just general shitty behaviour.


I can't really just up and leave either because I can't live independently. I can cook somewhat and I can clean and dress myself but I am entirely dependent on my mum when it comes to communicating with people. I can't work rn because of it and I have a work coach but they haven't really discussed much with me and idk what to ask for because idk what help they could even provide and also, like I said, I struggle to communicate with them.
Even if I could leave, I don't think I would be able to do that to my sister. I'm the only one here she really talks to and I dread to think what would happen to her if I wasn't here. Plus my nan's got stage 4 cancer and a bad heart, if I left randomly I think she would actually have a heart attack. And I don't wanna kill her.


I resent my mum so much for all of this shit. My nan too but more so my mum because she's the one who chose to have 3 kids and put us all in this situation. And she's the one who's responsible for our safety and security and she's never made any of us feel secure. But there's not much I can do, I'll never confront her because any time I've tried to do so about anything, she denies doing anything wrong or will literally just say she doesn't wanna talk about it.

I think I would be significantly less likely to kms if I was born into a better family. Or even a more traditionally fucked up family. Our circumstances are so random and unique I can't find a single person who can suggest what to do or who can relate to me.

Even generations back, we were already fucked up (extreme and unusual abuse leading to lots of deaths and hostility) so I just don't see it ever stopping unless I take myself out completely
I really don't know how to make this more understandable to people. That's the main reason I'm gonna kill myself, i really think it's impossible for me to be fully understood because there's so much context that I literally can't explain, it's all so confusing and I've never met anybody who's not been disturbed and has actually understood what I feel/think/believe based on my life experiences. I also don't understand other people because of autism, trauma and isolation during childhood and teenage years making it too hard, it's a very lonely feeling and kinda makes me feel like I'm insane. Even now, reading what I just wrote, I have absolutely no idea if it makes sense to other people

 

[bugs_for_brains]

Yeah my dog is already being yelled at again for barking. I want to smash my head through a fucking window
he's got medical tape or some shit stuck to his paw too. Trying to help him but he doesn't let me touch it for long enough and he bites if you go to him with scissors

 

[Holu]

Jesus fucking christ. Reading all of that was heart wrenching. I'm so sorry you have had to experience any of this. I genuinely feel nothing but disgust and repulsiveness, not just for your mom and your grandmother, but for the world itself. This is beyond a clusterfuck holy hell.

First off, good on you for finding and reading the documents, and honestly I'm surprised your mother and grandmother kept them in your house as opposed to a bank or even if a home safe. For something they clearly didn't want you to know they did a shit job at hiding it.

Second, while I can't imagine what sort of existential crisis this information is having on you, I want to commend you for continuing to see your family(even as dysfunctional as it is) as family. Even if you are viewing them through vastly different lenses, the connection you share with your sister is beyond blood, and I sincerely hope that nothing changes between the two of you.

I also cannot help but see how horrific this generational curse/trauma of infidelity is amongst your family. Given your mothers circumstances, I cannot believe she herself decided to have children. I don't know if your family is religious, but your birth would have been a very justifiable and reasonable abortion, especially given the history of mental illness that genetically runs in your family, the fact your mother was literally on cocaine, and the fact that you were born without your birth father and your actual father was torn from you(least I'm assuming based on what I read). Im not sure if you have contact with either, but both would be good individuals to have a chat with, if for any reason than to get well needed explanations.

I'm not sure if you have addressed your family about this yet(aside from sister), but it might be best to. I can 1000% understand not wanting to, but there are so many answers you need that it's best to pursue them, even if you intend to ctb.

As for your guilt on whether or not to feel grateful, I just want to reiterate but your 10000000% justified in any anger or hatred you feel towards your mother and grandmother. While I can understand withholding the information because of one's worries about how their child will digest it, it seems your mother clearly stuck to this fear and withheld it far longer than they should of. And while it at least seems like your mother cares for you, that doesn't excuse her from the extreme missteps she made, especially when it comes to raising you and your siblings.

As for your grandmother, it's not my place to say this, but I sincerely hope a brick lands on her head and puts her out for good. I cannot imagine how utterly horribible at caretaking you could be to fuck up not only your neices life but her childs life on top of that. I'm not your father, nor do I have enough info to say what his choice in the matter would have been, but since it seems like he was still in connection with your mother, and had that drunken outburst over his possession of you, it seems like your grandmother made the deliberately evil decision of denying you a father figure. Yes your mother plays a tremendous role in this, but from everything you have said about your grandmother Jesus Christ I can't help but believe she's actually evil.

Once more, and I know it's meaningless, but I am so sorry for everything you have gone through. You didn't deserve any of this, and the fact that it is as bad as it is makes me extremely upset with this world.

Lastly, despite your autism, your emotional intelligence, both for yourself and others is off the charts incredible. You sound like a deeply caring, empathetic, and kind soul and I cannot help but hate the world for hurting you in such ways.

 

[bugs_for_brains]

Thanks for responding, it really means a lot to see someone else acknowledge that whats going on isn't normal at all since I have no one to really talk to abt it, I wasn't sure if im supposed to feel the way i do about it.

It's lucky I found the documents when I did, they were rearranging a ton of stuff and I guess forgot they left them in an easily accessible area. Literally the next day they were gone (I have a suspicion they're in my nan's room but I kept my dads statement so idc to find the rest again anyway)

And yeah even if me and my sister aren't as closely related as we thought, our relationship is still the same if not stronger since we only really have each other

I think all my mum's children were accidents that she just convinced herself she wanted tbh. Even my sister was born super soon after mum met her dad and my parents have hinted that my mum was coerced into having sex with him again after he returned (he left for a few years when me and my sister were young before returning briefly) which resulted in my brother. She isn't even religious, my nan just thinks abortion is murder despite being unable to explain why and I guess that line of thinking passed down to my mum so she just decided to keep us. Obviously that's just my own assumption though.

I'm pretty hesitant to message my birth father because of how long it's been and because he's got his own family now, I just don't know what any of us would really gain. Same with my "other" dad (lol) since he was abusive towards my entire family but tbh knowing what I know now and also knowing that he had a messed up family himself and was addicted to heroin, I don't know if he can be entirely blamed. Still dont want to talk to him tho even though I hope he's doing better.

About confronting my family, I'm not sure if im gonna be able to make myself do so but I have considered it. However, it would only be mum I confront and would wait for my nan to die first bc stress like that is likely to kill her at this point. Not got anyone else I can speak to besides potentially my bio grandmother but idk if I'd be able to find her because she's been cut out of our lives for several years and I honestly don't even know if she's still alive. But I could definitely try and confront my mother eventually if I can get myself to stop being such a pussy lol. Most likely though she'd just refuse to speak or try and convince me she did nothing wrong. Still worth a shot I guess

And yeah my nan is definitely quite majorly fucked in the head but at least I can understand why bc her past is genuinely the most insane thing I've ever heard and it started when she was a baby and just kept going into adulthood. Still, she shouldn't have taken on a child in that position obviously. I'm also pretty pissed at her for thinking that she had the authority to decide whether or not my dad gets to see me and messing with him until he had an outburst and then proceeding to use that as reason why he shouldn't be allowed to see me even though if it weren't for her, he wouldn't have needed to behave that way to begin with.

Thanks again so much for taking the time to not only read this insanely lengthy and probably confusing post but to actually respond. And I'm happy I come across as emotionally intelligent and empathetic, it's something I always try my best to show when I write or talk to people bc one of my biggest worries every time I complain about anything involving other people is coming off as if I don't care about them/their feelings in any capacity because I don't think I've ever felt that way about anyone who's upset me

 

[Holu]

Thanks for responding, it really means a lot to see someone else acknowledge that whats going on isn't normal at all since I have no one to really talk to abt it, I wasn't sure if im supposed to feel the way i do about it.

Its not a problem, i like responding, especially since i know it makes people like you feel just a little less shitty in this awful world.

And yeah even if me and my sister aren't as closely related as we thought, our relationship is still the same if not stronger since we only really have each other

Good, it's important to keep it this way, especially since it seems like she's the only true family(at least in what family is suppose to be) that you have.

I think all my mum's children were accidents that she just convinced herself she wanted tbh. Even my sister was born super soon after mum met her dad and my parents have hinted that my mum was coerced into having sex with him again after he returned (he left for a few years when me and my sister were young before returning briefly) which resulted in my brother. She isn't even religious, my nan just thinks abortion is murder despite being unable to explain why and I guess that line of thinking passed down to my mum so she just decided to keep us. Obviously that's just my own assumption though.

Obviously I can't speak for your siblings, but at least your intent on breaking your family's cycle of traumatized kids having kids, even if it's through death. Its a foresight I truly wish your mother or grandmother had, and if anything it at least means your smarter, both emotionally and cognitively than your ancestors.

I'm pretty hesitant to message my birth father because of how long it's been and because he's got his own family now, I just don't know what any of us would really gain. Same with my "other" dad (lol) since he was abusive towards my entire family but tbh knowing what I know now and also knowing that he had a messed up family himself and was addicted to heroin, I don't know if he can be entirely blamed. Still dont want to talk to him tho even though I hope he's doing better.

About confronting my family, I'm not sure if im gonna be able to make myself do so but I have considered it. However, it would only be mum I confront and would wait for my nan to die first bc stress like that is likely to kill her at this point. Not got anyone else I can speak to besides potentially my bio grandmother but idk if I'd be able to find her because she's been cut out of our lives for several years and I honestly don't even know if she's still alive. But I could definitely try and confront my mother eventually if I can get myself to stop being such a pussy lol. Most likely though she'd just refuse to speak or try and convince me she did nothing wrong. Still worth a shot I guess

Given what you said, and some of the newer info in your response to me, I'll say that I misspoke when it comes to addressing your family. In a way, you telling your sister appears to have done what I intended when I meant speak to your family, since from what your saying it seems like it would be fruitless in providing information or emotional support. I do agree with you that eventually your mom is someone you should talk to, since I think it would provide information, but if you don't think emotionally it's going to help and could possibly harm you further, especially with your grandmother being your grandmother, then your probably correct in thinking it's best to wait.

As for your mom not addressing it when the time comes, do what you can to make it clear that it's very important to you and give her space initially to think about it then push for answers. Its obviously going to be a shocking moment when she realizes you know, so it's best to let her digest that first to prevent her from acting in immediate defense mode(assuming she does shut down or respond with hostility).

And yeah my nan is definitely quite majorly fucked in the head but at least I can understand why bc her past is genuinely the most insane thing I've ever heard and it started when she was a baby and just kept going into adulthood. Still, she shouldn't have taken on a child in that position obviously. I'm also pretty pissed at her for thinking that she had the authority to decide whether or not my dad gets to see me and messing with him until he had an outburst and then proceeding to use that as reason why he shouldn't be allowed to see me even though if it weren't for her, he wouldn't have needed to behave that way to begin with.

When it comes to innocents, especially children, there is no justification for harming them, be it intentional or not. There is understanding, and sometimes forgiveness, but never justification, and so she is at fault regardless of whatever past trauma she experienced. Be it for good reasons or not, never let yourself fall into the loop of sympathizing with your abuser. Understand and forgive, but don't allow yourself to excuse their actions.

Thanks again so much for taking the time to not only read this insanely lengthy and probably confusing post but to actually respond.

Bruhhhh you no need to thank me, it was my pleasure to both read and respond. You matter, your story matters, and you deserve to feel like you matter. No thanks are needed.

And I'm happy I come across as emotionally intelligent and empathetic, it's something I always try my best to show when I write or talk to people bc one of my biggest worries every time I complain about anything involving other people is coming off as if I don't care about them/their feelings in any capacity because I don't think I've ever felt that way about anyone who's upset me

Again, you are very emotionally intelligent, and worrying about how you come across just further proves that lmao. It's something that can be especially hard for people with ASD(autism) so it's interesting to see someone with such keen emotional awareness while still having ASD. It's a good strength to have, and makes it all the more disheartening to see someone like you go through all you have suffered.

I do hope that your next days are kinder and more gentle and as always I'm and everyone else is here if you need to get thoughts and emotions off your chest. You're very strong for all you have endured, and I hope someway somehow the world realizes that and gives you a break.

 

[pain6batch9]

This story made me profoundly sad. Nothing I write here will be of much help probably. Except maybe to suggest you keep writing. You come across as a really strong person, and I hope that you are able to further transform your life in a way that is lasting and meaningful. I would agree with the statement that reading the documents was important, not to be regretted in any way. I would say to think of it rather as a catalyst to the transformation.

They say you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. This is incorrect. You can choose your family. Forget about the dictionary definition of family as blood relatives. Family is the people you want in your life, the people you decide to surround yourself with, whether they be blood tied or some other person. This might not help at all.

I sincerely hope you overcome these very unfair obstacles and find your way to peace.

 

[bugs_for_brains]

This story made me profoundly sad. Nothing I write here will be of much help probably. Except maybe to suggest you keep writing. You come across as a really strong person, and I hope that you are able to further transform your life in a way that is lasting and meaningful. I would agree with the statement that reading the documents was important, not to be regretted in any way. I would say to think of it rather as a catalyst to the transformation.

They say you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. This is incorrect. You can choose your family. Forget about the dictionary definition of family as blood relatives. Family is the people you want in your life, the people you decide to surround yourself with, whether they be blood tied or some other person. This might not help at all.

I sincerely hope you overcome these very unfair obstacles and find your way to peace.

Thank you, just responding already helps me a lot by making me feel acknowledged. And yeah, I'll definitely keep writing. Been doing it since I was a kid both online and in journals, notes apps, etc. It always helps me think things through clearly and is just overall super helpful.

It'd be great if I could somehow improve my life whether short-term or long-term although I'm not sure how anymore. But I have an appointment with some therapy adjacent worker soon and might talk to him about it just to see what he says and if i can get some ideas.
Even though the documents did upset me, yeah I agree in the end that it was best I saw them. I mean like I said, I already felt like things didn't add up so at least now I know I wasn't just crazy and paranoid and I do think I've been somewhat more kind to myself since then which is obviously a positive thing.

I agree too with the concept of chosen family. It's comforting to think that even if you struggle to identify with your own blood, that doesn't like suddenly lock you out of having an established close circle of people or even just a single person who can fill similar roles with you. Thanks for the reminder, it also made me think about how even though it was shocking to find out me and my sister are only half-siblings, it doesn't really matter in terms of our relationship how closely related we are by blood and tbh even if it turned out we weren't related at all, we'd still be family.

Thanks for replying, I appreciate it a lot :]