Venting I just keep fucking up.

[beelzebul]

I hurt my best friend yesterday. I don't want to get into it, but I did something without thinking and crossed a boundary I should have known was there. But I wasn't fucking thinking.

We talked about it and I profusely apologized, but I have been trying so hard to make this friendship healthy and happy for her. A safe place where she won't have to worry about being hurt. And I just fucked it all up.

I just spiraled for hours and even though she told me she was okay (she wasn't), I was just STUCK on having hurt her.

And I wound up cutting. And I, again, without thinking, told her that I was cutting. I just fucking word vomit when this shit happens. My anxiety was so bad that I was borderline disassociating. The guilt was fucking eating me alive. And it's eating me alive today too.

She was devastated and mad and I just made her more upset. Like, of course. I should have known better than to tell her.

I was so consumed by guilt and regret that I made her hurt about me and my feelings.

After trying for so long to be a healthy person for her, I just destroyed everything.

This morning I apologized and explained I would try harder in the future. She gave me short replies. One word replies. I finally asked if she wanted me to give her space and she said yes. I said I'd be here whenever she wanted to talk again.

But I'm spiraling again. I'm mad at myself and I'm mad at her. I try so hard because she has left this friendship like 4 or 5 times in the past instead of talking to me when she had a problem. She swore she wouldn't do it again but that fear of abandonment is still fucking there. It's still fresh. Every time we argue I just wait for her name to disappear from my friends list. I just expect it at this point, but it never gets easier. She says we're (platonic) soul mates but the fear of being abandoned by her never fucking leaves me. I am terrified.

I'm mad at myself because I keep doing stupid shit. I'm 30 years old, why can't I fucking control my emotions??? Why did I tell her I hurt myself? Why did I cross that boundary yesterday??? Why can't I fucking THINK???

I don't want to do anything. I'm struggling not to hurt myself again. I'm just laying in bed and wishing I was dead. I'm sick and my heart is racing. I'm so fucking stupid. I want to die. I can't help but feel like I ruined everything. It's fucking over.

 

[beelzebul]

I'm shaking. I want to talk to her about how she's feeling but I said I'd give her space. I keep opening discord to see if she's blocked me yet. How am I supposed to cope with this insane anxiety

Nothing helps. I need help

 

[bankai]

Yes, it's better we don't take them for granted. most of us have at least those 1 or 2 long time decent friends. sometimes because of having known them so long we can get complacent and comfortable

we will end up crossing those boundaries you're talking about.

but that must never happen. life would be way more difficult without them.

apologise profusely, that's all you can do for now.

 

[fly]

Dear person,
that feeling when you want to reach out to someone, but the moment you have finally overcome your fears. You feel guilt of beeing an load to others, that you make them feel worse.
Friends felt it ,I felt it and probably you feel it.
But they wanna help you, they wanna listen, do everything they can to safe you and your beautiful life. Maybe talking to one friend, another friend or her directly, whilst explaining your emotions could change something in the way you feel and release some guilt. Its no guarantee but its wort trying.
Wish you peace and an life thats acceptable.
Josi

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

your only option to keep your sanity is to become a strong person, for yourself and for her. By becoming a strong person you'll give you, her and every other person in your life what they need most. This anguish you're feeling will never go if it's dependent on what other people choose to do, and her leaving and coming back is a recurrent thing, it's torture I know and it's likely to keep following this pattern unless you take a drastic turn yourself. I know "strong person" is a vague concept but ig I mean ultimately lowering your need for other people to make you feel good, in theory this is the best thing you can do but I myself can't even do it so theres that lol, yes that was all just theory, in reality your emotions seem so strong and turbulent that everything I just said probably sounds impossible, at least for now I'd say you should try distract yourself from her the best you can, through other people if you have any in your life, anything you think can distract you, sleep, even drugs might be a valid option. But messaging her so soon after you both agreed to have space will I imagine not improve the situation

I hope it works out with you two anyway

 

[StrawberryRed]

U should try and make new friends. Try joing Bumble bff or joining a local club. YMCA clubs/ community centres, book clubs, hiking clubs ect. For the sake of your relationship , u need to rely less heavily on her. I used to have this problem, ehre I would have insane guilt and stress so heavily about my friendships. Having more friendships and friendships of different types/ stages is a great way to start to heal this issue. So that when they are mad at you, you have other people to lean on and dont end up feeling alone and freaking out. I know how guild can drive you crazy, I would recommend deleting discord for now. Just a week so you can both have space. Its extremely unhealthy the way she abandons you and then come back. You need a break from her too if this on and off again is causing you so much anguish. Realize you have value outside of this relationship and realizing thats it ok to be alone is the only way u can become a better friend and prevent this from happening in the future!! I hope the best for you, you can get there!!