Venting I just feel incompatible with this world

[thelostautistic]

Moving through the world when you're autistic is so challenging. I guess I'm just fed up of how people have treated me simply for being different. I know the way my brain works isn't the problem but society will make you believe it is and it really hurts. I'm too opinionated, I say the wrong things, I speak at the wrong time, I'm too sensitive, the list goes on. Even though I've unmasked quite a bit over the last few years I still have to mask to a degree to be palatable and to maintain my relationships. I just hate living like this. My world has become so small because I'm afraid of being taken advantage of, bullied and misunderstood again. I don't think people realise how traumatising being autistic can be. There is a part of me that wants to live and I'm pushing on for that part but I just don't want to live as an autistic person. It's slowly killing me and I'm just gonna end up as another statistic. I'm truly sorry for the vent I'm just having a horrible time at the moment and have no one to talk to

 

[ellisdisappeared]

My world has become so small because I'm afraid of being taken advantage of, bullied and misunderstood again. I don't think people realise how traumatising being autistic can be.

I understand what you mean and I heavily relate to this. I'm unsure how the world manages to subject us to levels of discrimination solely for this reason. I feel somewhat grateful to say I've never experienced extreme forms of harassment or bullying but I remember seeing people around me get beat up for being autistic. It feels awful to say because even though I do know those people have done nothing wrong, something in me looks for a reason. I'm deeply traumatized by these experiences as well, I always think back on them and use them as lessons to prevent the same from happening to me. It makes me feel terrible. I always have to live my life and act like someone I don't want to be, I always feel like I'm going to get beat up if someone talks to me in strange tones or looks at me in ways that remind me of those experiences

It feels like there's no way to escape those memories or ever actually feel like myself. I hope you know you're not alone, and it truly sucks to live this way.

 

[Thefuture]

What do you mean by masking doesn't everyone do that? I'm uneducated on this matter What would not masking look like?

 

[itsgone2]

I'm too opinionated, I say the wrong things, I speak at the wrong time, I'm too sensitive, the list goes on. Even though I've unmasked quite a bit over the last few years I still have to mask to a degree to be palatable and to maintain my relationships.

Exactly. All of this. Why though? Why are we this way? I'm too old and worn down from this fight. I wish I knew what a normal life was

 

[thelostautistic]

What do you mean by masking doesn't everyone do that? I'm uneducated on this matter What would not masking look like?

Masking in this context would mean I try to hide my autistic traits and act like I'm not autistic. Throughout my life I've copied the humour and behaviours of people on tv to help me get through social situations, I've changed my likes and dislikes to fit in, followed trends I have no interest in. It's basically just one big act and it's very exhausting. Not masking would be me acting like my authentic autistic self. I'd stim more, communicate more directly, talk about my interests more. It doesn't seem like a big deal but unmasking has caused so many problems in my relationships and led to bullying so it feels unsafe.

Exactly. All of this. Why though? Why are we this way? I'm too old and worn down from this fight. I wish I knew what a normal life was

It's just the way we are. I wish we weren't seen as so problematic for being ourselves. I'm so jealous of people that aren't autistic.