Venting I just can't keep failing.

[ghost_storys]

I already feel like an outlier here, because everyone I've seen so far is in their twenties and in two weeks I'll be 42. 42 years and I have got, just, nothing.
That's not fair- I have a husband I love and we own a nice house. But it's a house HE bought.
I can't drive. I have no children. I have no friends, none of my relatives live nearby (except my in-laws). And I've failed every career I've ever tried.
I went to college to study animation, I have an MFA. But no one in L.A. hires outside their friend circle, and nobody wants to make new friends. I tried really hard- I was going to events, taking night classes, joining a guild, and it almost seemed like it was gonna work... then Covid happened, I got locked inside and lost all my progress. We couldn't afford to stay in L.A., so we left, dreams unfulfilled. I tried freelance, but couldn't find clients, at least not enough to make a sustainable income. Then everybody just started doing AI anyways and I lost all hope of drawing for a living.
I tried teaching pre-school. It was okay. Painfully underpaid for what I endured, but work. Then my dad died, and I tried to go to work anyways, but was too distracted, made a mistake, and got fired.
So I took a course in medical coding. A year of tuition and essentially B grades, I passed the class.... but you can't be a coder without passing the certification exam.... and I just can't. I've tried so many times, and it's an EXPENSIVE exam to take. I've tried tutors, but my scores never improve. I paid so much money, and I can't do this, either. My husband is getting fed up. He's the sole breadwinner while I fuck around and fail again and again. We're running out of savings. I know he loves me. But I also know that at this point, a funeral would be CHEAPER than trying again. He'd be sad for a year but then he could marry someone whose actually got her shit together. He's smart and handsome and works in medicine, he would be so much better off without me.
I made a list of 'final affairs' to settle a couple weeks back. It's a depressingly short list. Yesterday I checked two things off of it.
Sorry this got really long. I just have no one to talk to. I don't want to tell anyone because that's such a massive burden on them because like, what can THEY do?
Anyways. Thanks.

 

[Hollowman]

I'm 50 and I have almost nothing.

 

[ghost_storys]

It's almost amazing we made it this long lol. Like you just keep hoping it'll get better, it's GOTTA get better, and it never does.

 

[CloudChaser]

I am new here. Sorry to hear you don't enjoy your life.
Same here, no more energy to fight.
Have a house and no financial problems, but my life is empty.
So money doesn't always solve your metal state.
I hope you stay well and stronger then me.

Take care.

 

[Hollowman]

It's almost amazing we made it this long lol. Like you just keep hoping it'll get better, it's GOTTA get better, and it never does.

The only way I made it this long is because of my mom. I'm screwed when she dies. Planning to ctb the day she does, if I can make it that long.

 

[ghost_storys]

I remember what it was like to not have money and I know having it does improve quality of life, but doesn't fix it. You can still feel empty. I can afford groceries and bills now, but I still have no friends. No one to talk to. Nowhere to go. No purpose. Nothing to look forward to. I wake up crying every day. I'm already on anti-depressants... but they can't change who I am. I'm still lonely. I'm still a failure. A drain on society and a burden to my husband. Nothing can change that. I know because I've spent 20 years trying.
My sisters will be furious. Losing me so soon after Dad will be a hard blow. It's one of the last things that stays my hand. Just a little more time between two traumatic deaths. I remember how awful Dad's death was, and don't want to do that to them so soon.

 

[Hollowman]

My dad died a couple years ago I understand.

 

[StupidCat]

I remember what it was like to not have money and I know having it does improve quality of life, but doesn't fix it. You can still feel empty. I can afford groceries and bills now, but I still have no friends. No one to talk to. Nowhere to go. No purpose. Nothing to look forward to. I wake up crying every day. I'm already on anti-depressants... but they can't change who I am. I'm still lonely. I'm still a failure. A drain on society and a burden to my husband. Nothing can change that. I know because I've spent 20 years trying.
My sisters will be furious. Losing me so soon after Dad will be a hard blow. It's one of the last things that stays my hand. Just a little more time between two traumatic deaths. I remember how awful Dad's death was, and don't want to do that to them so soon.

Have they said that to you? They've told you you are a burden?
If that's not the case then why would you think that.

 

[butimstillsoblue]

Hi @ghost_storys I'm 45.

No family, no friends, don't own a home, feel like my entire life has been a waste.

 

[ghost_storys]

Of course he wouldn't say that out loud, that would be cruel. Would you tell someone you love that they're a burden?
I've been unemployed for ten years. Ten years. OBVIOUSLY I'm a burden. I know he loves me; he would have divorced me otherwise. I know he'll be sad when I die. But I also know he'll be fine without me. I've wasted so many of our resources trying and failing to make a career work. Not just a job, a career.
he's out of town for work right now, and I called him to say goodnight, and he just hung up on me. Of course he did.

 

[StupidCat]

Would you tell someone you love that they're a burden?

I did. But that doesn't mean I want them out of my life or that I would be fine without them.
I just wanted her to try at least. Keep working on it and don't give up.
And I'm talking about my sister here, so if it is your partner I believe (never had one) those feeling would be even stronger.
So don't beat yourself too much, keep trying.

 

[ghost_storys]

I've BEEN trying. I can't keep trying and never succeeding. There's no winning. I've tried art, I've tried teaching, I've tried coding, I've tried 50 other careers I didn't mention here, and I can't keep any of them. I'm in my 40s. I can't keep starting over. I hear the frustration in his voice when I tell him I failed another test. His constant reminders about how we're running out of money, like that's gonna help me pass the test any easier or faster. I'm just not fucking smart enough to do it, I'm a fucking loser and I can't DO it. I can't keep FAILING. I've tried so many things. I have no rally left. I have no friends, no job, no car, no money, and my only hobbies require other people to want to hang out with me which they don't, because people like me for three months then get sick of me and never talk to me again. He's the only thing I've got and he's SICK of me. I can't keep doing this to him and I can't live like this.

 

[hopeless302]

Maybe I'm overthinking, but reading between the lines, it feels like there's a possibility that you're being mistreated. Like, is your husband preventing you from driving and making friends etc.? Why did you specify that HE bought the house... Is he constantly reminding you that he "owns" everything despite you guys being married? Has he berated you or guilt tripped you for being unsuccessful in these career endeavors? I'm not demanding answers to any of these questions, but I just hope you think about what's happening and whether the nature of your relationship might be contributing to your pain. If I'm wrong just disregard all of this lol.

Anyway, regarding the career thing... man, medical coding is hard, at least based on the little I've researched about it. Also it seems quite dry, especially for someone transitioning to it from a creative industry. It could be that it's not something you particularly enjoy doing but given your husband's career in the medical field, it seemed like a good thing to try. So I'd spend some time considering if this is something you really want to do.

If not, some careers you can pivot into relatively quickly and cheaply might include:
1) Book keeper/accounting assistant - you can probably buy a course on Quickbooks from Udemy for a $10 and offer you services to some small business. Could even learn on Youtube.
2) Nursing assistant - I've heard it's not **too** expensive but there is a cost attached. Also being a CNA is not for everyone. Fairly easy to find a job as a CNA.
3) Pharmacy technician - I believe there is a certification process in some states but not all. That said, training is not horribly long or expensive and you can do it online.
4) Baby-sitting or daycare - I mean, as a former pre-school teacher, it shouldn't be too bad? But idk. Kids are awful. Parents are awful. Pay isn't great.
5) Care-giver - Not bad if you have the patience for it. Not driving might be an issue though, but you might be able to work around it.

Please don't feel like you're out of time or you're a failure or anything like that. It's fine to start over, no matter what age you are. Just because you tried a bunch of things and they didn't work out doesn't that the next thing you try won't work out too. Well, that's all I have for now. I do hope you find some relief for what you're going through (that doesn't involve you know what!!). Sending you good vibes, man.

 

[ghost_storys]

No no- I didn't mean to make it sound that way. He's not bad. If anything, he puts all the pressure on ME to try to do the socializing for us both because he's so introverted. But he wants us both to know more people. He just doesn't make an effort to do it, he's too shy, so I have to figure out how people in their 40s can make friends all by myself. But he doesn't try to prevent me from knowing people, and he constantly reminds me it's 'our' house, not 'his', I just... KNOW that it's not, not really, I contributed nothing. And the driving... I mean, we can only afford one car, and he needs it to go to work, while I stay at home and do fuck-all. I mean yeah he's guilted me for failing but like obviously, he's allowed to be frustrated too, I wouldn't tell him he's not allowed to be frustrated at my incompetence, it's been like 10 years he can only put up with so fucking much. Anybody would be fed up by that point.
It's true, I don't love medical coding, but what can I do? I loved art, and there's no money in that. I paid this much already for all the coding classes, I can't fail now, I need to succeed, I don't get any more do-overs, not at this age.
But thank you. I appreciate it.

 

[hopeless302]

I'm happy my assumptions were wrong then. But for whatever it's worth, you contribute a lot just by being there and being his partner. Some contributions don't have a monetary value attached to them.

 

[StupidCat]

I've BEEN trying.

Sorry if that sounded too rude. But just keep trying :^)
I'm honestly surprised you had the drive to do that many things in the first place. I got my mind in a variety of things but usually limited to arts and computers.
You gotta love the process, if you focus too much in the end goal (money) you'll give up before mastering the thing.

I loved art, and there's no money in that.

I love art and there's money on it if you are good enough. I know that because I've made commissions before and I still got some work to do (which I procrastinate a lot because I dislike getting paid for doing art lol).
Don't beat yourself too much, honestly.
Since he wants you to make more friends try doing that, going to meetups for stuff that interest both of you and introduced them to him later. That would help I think. I don't know how to make friends myself, though I befriended a 40yo lady in mmorpg a while back, she was kind.

 

[teeteringontheedge]

its honestly sort of aspiring that you even had the willpower and the drive to sit down and do all of that - i tried drawing, composing, coding and video editing myself but i always gave up before i got the basics down as i got discouraged by myself alonse... So reading that you went so far as to trying to make it into your job just shows the dedication and effort you put into it despite all the setbacks, which are rare qualities these days.

 

[ghost_storys]

That would be nice to hear if I hadn't put all that time and effort into pursuits that all ultimately failed. I tried for a long time to be an illustrator. It's all I ever wanted my whole life. But no one wants me, I'm not good enough. All that time, all that financial aid I still can't afford to pay back... and i couldn't do it. Or hotel work, or preschool, or medical coding. I can't do anything. I'm a failure.
I have no one to talk to. I fucked up a year ago and started showing a guy online pictures of my tits. For a minute I felt sexy. Then I realized I just felt used and filthy. I told him I don't want to do it anymore. Since then, every couple months, he DMs me with some comment about how he 'misses' me. Each time I feel more like a cheap whore.
I had a group I did RP with. They seemed to understand me. I really felt comfortable and trusted them. I felt like they were the only friends I had. But they don't like me really. I don't know. I was stupid to think anyone would. When you put so much of yourself into your character and then get told your character is repulsive, what do you do? My character felt like the best parts about me. But they don't like her either. Obviously no one would like me.

 

[textmewhenyourehome]

I don't use my account to comment much but something resonated with me about your post, and I want to start off by saying how sorry I am you've felt so trapped for so long in this diminishing market where making an income gets harder and harder. There's a few avenues to look at here.

I'll start by asking the obvious, have you explored manual jobs or "unskilled labour" in the meantime while you consider a reattempt on medical coding? There's so many things. I had a friend who had a LOT of difficulty finding any work, including manual labour, and I pointed him to transcription work online (although I'm not sure how that may now be impacted with AI). I know you said you want to pursue a career, not just a job, but every job can be a career if you do it long enough and progress far enough.

I would also provide some food for thought that, being a burden doesn't have to end with CTB. If you want it to end with CTB it can, but I would consider if another person's feelings being the reason you CTB gives you any level of agency on your own life. If you had a high paying job, or more friends, and he still saw you as a burden, would you still CTB? If the answer is yes then that may be a sign to explore that deeper and work on not putting agency, on what makes you want to CTB, entirely in someone else's hands. Hopefully that wasn't too convoluted to follow.

In any case, I'm wishing you the best, and I hope you know plenty of people would appreciate a partner who cares as much as you do. I've been the sole breadwinner in my relationship for a long time and my partner doesn't have friends / has student debts but everyday still feels like a movie and we make it work. I'm happy as long as he keeps trying, and as long as he cares as much as I do, which I can tell he does from the way he talks to me.

 

[bankai]

The job market is hard. I think it's going to get worse in the coming years because of AI. Creative fields are especially going to suck.

When your husband is off to work, who's taking care of the cooking and cleaning? If you are being a homemaker, well, you are contributing big time. It's not a joke. A lot of men and women are playing the role of a homemaker these days.

One more problem is the neurons in our brain get less adapted for learning as we age. This is a genuine problem. That is why it feels like learning and clearing exams are much harder in your 40's.

 

[usernamesarehard]

I am new here. Sorry to hear you don't enjoy your life.
Same here, no more energy to fight.
Have a house and no financial problems, but my life is empty.
So money doesn't always solve your metal state.
I hope you stay well and stronger then me.

Take care.

Yeah, this is absolutely true. I'm early 20s, have an easy, relatively high paying job ($31/hr) in a well known company (at least well known in this area). If I stay here I get a good pention when I leave and I've been taking money out of my check to go to my retirement fund, so I'll be really good. I live with my mom, so no rent and because of that I'm able to save up $500/wk (assuming no emergencies come up). I have almost $5k saved now and if all goes well I'll have almost $15k saved up by the end of the year.

Money doesn't take away the crippling loneliness. Money doesn't take away the pain of heart break. Money doesn't take away depression. Maybe if you're lucky all you need are meds and therapy, in which money would help there, but that doesn't work for everyone. Just because you accomplish everything society tells you you should to be worthy of living doesn't mean that you'll actually feel good.

I'm probably going to ctb. Maybe I won't if things change, but I don't think they will. The only reason I care about money now is because I want to leave something for my mom. I only need $1k maybe $2k max. I want to take a trip and spend my last month relaxing and isolating myself from everyone.