Venting I just can't eat much when wanting to CTB. Rant about food & family Plus tw: eating disorder stuff

[Livingvsdying25]

I mean I struggle to eat for other health reasons and rn its a combo of physical sickness & my anorexic eating disorder parts coming up.

Like I wanna eat and I even thought of eating like fruits for example but then well ig maybe it's also like poverty coming into play. I dunno what to eat and rn I can't figure out anything to buy that's "sustainable". I don't really want to eat either anyway. I've barely eaten this week. Tbh questioning starvation as a method but ehhh kno it's not that easy or painless.


My Dad doesnt get paid till Thursday and while before I was looking forward to him coming in general now. Idgaf and just want him to make me some food. So Thursday to come instead of Tuesday is better. Im not interested in bonding and neither is he anyway. Not interested in pretending anymore like I said. He like the other family members see me as a chore. So. Im just gonna get what I need from him and he can go back home.

It's such a joke too like he thinks bc I broke down recently that im this over exaggerating helpless broken incapable thing like yeah sureeee. Like I may be broken down but last I checked I've been able to survive this long. Being "helped" by them really lowers my already low self esteem. I honestly might just ask him for money and to forget coming. Make up some excuse bc it's not like he wants to see me anyway so. It'll save him money and time and he can just spend it with my brother who everyone loves & validates & thinks is better. Which honestly without passive aggression I mean it: good for him. Im glad he has support from them. I don't wish my experiences on anyone. I don't wish a lack of love or care on to anyone.


So yeah these are my late night thoughts and I might run it by my therapist and friend but I can kinda already guess their response of like agreeing with me but maybe asking me to fully consider if I don't wanna see my Dad kinda thing. I do but I don't feel like being loved barly. Being gossiped about. Like nah.

That family makes me want to CTB more and I already plan to go I don't want to feel pressured to do so.



Today is a training online for 5 hrs. I kinda feel a lil better/ not as sick but I have not eaten and I don't plan to so I dunno wtf ima do. I can only be engaged for so long and like am actually still sick but missed last week so feel like if I miss this week im fucked. Sooo ig I'll just communicate in email that I am sick but will attend for as long as I can? I have a cough now so im not sure how "better" I am.

Hmm maybe the eating disorder is getting kinda really bad. I don't want to eat anything even a smoothie is nahhhh.... :/ I don't kno what to do about it. I tried finding help and not much was there/ my doc wouldn't help me. Same thing with suicidality support.

But she told me on Thursday that nothing I/were doing is working and in the last 2 yrs things have just gotteh worse. Pushed a medication on me and threatened to end my care sooo yeah.. I thought she understood trauma and how healing isnt linear but nah. Just completely invalidated my progress and crushed my spirit all in 20 mins soo that's where that's at. Thnx doc. Plus she might have cold turkey taken me off my benzo im not 100% sure yet.


I feel like giving up on life. This peer support training will not be offered again so I wouldn't have the chance to be a facilitator so yeah less money and less doing what I like. Id rather not destroy my life before I CTB but it might just be going in that direction anyway. I never wanted to corner myself into CTB. I am starting to feel cornered tho so.



But still without a clear method??? mentioned to my therapist that with jumping I have a written list of bridges and have a mental or written list of bridges in the city I used to live in. That I went to em a few times. She seemed shocked? I dunno why but ig this communicates how serious I am/ have always been. Not like it matters but it does? To be taken seriously when feeling like this but not having welfare checks is really nice tbh but yeah. I got lists of bridges and im def considering it all. I dunno.


Too many variables in CTB but also with life. Im more along with/ closer to the dead than living rn so. Tis what it is. I just gotta figure smthin out. Night y'all or well good morning at this point.

 

[Water-Lily]

I can relate to you feeling conflicted about relying on your family for support. Based on what you've said about them, they are the reason why you are suffering today. The abuse and trauma they did to you is a huge part of why you are suffering. The feelings you have are valid, and people who don't get it likely haven't experienced abusive family dynamics

Is it possible to talk to your dad about creating a system where he can provide you things? Maybe he can cook you food now and then or support you by other means of survival until you get to a place where you can do it more on your own? Showing up and stating our needs is also a part of healing. Sometimes we might have to depend on people we don't want to for survival, but it doesn't have to be permanent (even if it hurts having to take their "help")

As for the mental health professionals, it disgusts me how they've been treating you. As someone who is actively working to become a social worker, it hurts me to know that there are people in the system who don't give a shit. Who use their power and authority to further harm traumatized individuals who have no hope left. I hope you are able to find a mental health professional who will give you the help you deserve. I hope you don't have to go down the path of suicide, as valid as that it feels to want to do so.