
Devils_candY
Afraid of life... scared to sleep...
- Oct 23, 2020
- 46
My family,
Once again im sitting in my room crying. I just can't help it anymore. It's gotten to the point that im crying ten plus times a day without care of who sees me anymore. It's getting harder and harder every day...
I was just talking to a trusted friend and I told her about how my depression has compounded upon itself year by year. First time I thought about ctb was at 12, by fifteen I was crying some nights, by 20 it was every night, by 25 I was cutting every time I cried trying to stop crying, 30 I was crying every time I wasn't high or drunk and sometimes when I was, now at 35 I cry almost constantly. I even avoid SS at times cause I know it'll make me cry even knowing I can find compassion and love amongst these welcoming pages.
Just today my psych called me and told me since I went back to SS she was going to have me hospitalized. I had to cry and beg her not too. Instead she told me if I don't want help then I can see somebody else and that she'll be recommending me elsewhere and taking me off my narcotic medications(xanax and ambien). That's the last time I'll entrust someone. Wouldn't you think, maybe, that if you're seeing a psych that they would try to help you? Like, hey I know you're in pain, what can I do... at least thats what I thought I paid her for. I've been seeing her twice a week for years. She's always been kind to me, so I thought hey maybe if I told her I was really really struggling that she would put in her two cents and then ask what she could do. I don't get people sometimes. Suicidal people are hard to "cure" and even harder to understand. We've almost always made up our minds, even when we don't want to accept it. It can be very very very hard for someone to relate to that. I accept that. It has been 28 long years since the first time I tried to ctb and it has been some long years coming to this point. I know for a fact ctb is what I want, and believe it or not, that really hurts. I've been talking to my family all day, letting them know how much I love them and telling then I hope they'll always remember me(I have a wonderful family that has come to trust that im only doing what is best for me and respects that). They only always give me the upmost respect and pure unadulterated love. I couldn't ask for more than that. I really just have no idea how much longer I can take this. It's fast coming to an end.
I tell you guys these things cause I know y'all will understand. Those of you who do, thank you. I couldn't ask for better people than the ones I find here on SS. If only the rest of the world knew that. I thank you, each and every one of you. Feel free to message me anyone anytime.
Thanks guys
Once again im sitting in my room crying. I just can't help it anymore. It's gotten to the point that im crying ten plus times a day without care of who sees me anymore. It's getting harder and harder every day...
I was just talking to a trusted friend and I told her about how my depression has compounded upon itself year by year. First time I thought about ctb was at 12, by fifteen I was crying some nights, by 20 it was every night, by 25 I was cutting every time I cried trying to stop crying, 30 I was crying every time I wasn't high or drunk and sometimes when I was, now at 35 I cry almost constantly. I even avoid SS at times cause I know it'll make me cry even knowing I can find compassion and love amongst these welcoming pages.
Just today my psych called me and told me since I went back to SS she was going to have me hospitalized. I had to cry and beg her not too. Instead she told me if I don't want help then I can see somebody else and that she'll be recommending me elsewhere and taking me off my narcotic medications(xanax and ambien). That's the last time I'll entrust someone. Wouldn't you think, maybe, that if you're seeing a psych that they would try to help you? Like, hey I know you're in pain, what can I do... at least thats what I thought I paid her for. I've been seeing her twice a week for years. She's always been kind to me, so I thought hey maybe if I told her I was really really struggling that she would put in her two cents and then ask what she could do. I don't get people sometimes. Suicidal people are hard to "cure" and even harder to understand. We've almost always made up our minds, even when we don't want to accept it. It can be very very very hard for someone to relate to that. I accept that. It has been 28 long years since the first time I tried to ctb and it has been some long years coming to this point. I know for a fact ctb is what I want, and believe it or not, that really hurts. I've been talking to my family all day, letting them know how much I love them and telling then I hope they'll always remember me(I have a wonderful family that has come to trust that im only doing what is best for me and respects that). They only always give me the upmost respect and pure unadulterated love. I couldn't ask for more than that. I really just have no idea how much longer I can take this. It's fast coming to an end.
I tell you guys these things cause I know y'all will understand. Those of you who do, thank you. I couldn't ask for better people than the ones I find here on SS. If only the rest of the world knew that. I thank you, each and every one of you. Feel free to message me anyone anytime.
Thanks guys