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Devils_candY

Devils_candY

Afraid of life... scared to sleep...
Oct 23, 2020
46
My family,

Once again im sitting in my room crying. I just can't help it anymore. It's gotten to the point that im crying ten plus times a day without care of who sees me anymore. It's getting harder and harder every day...

I was just talking to a trusted friend and I told her about how my depression has compounded upon itself year by year. First time I thought about ctb was at 12, by fifteen I was crying some nights, by 20 it was every night, by 25 I was cutting every time I cried trying to stop crying, 30 I was crying every time I wasn't high or drunk and sometimes when I was, now at 35 I cry almost constantly. I even avoid SS at times cause I know it'll make me cry even knowing I can find compassion and love amongst these welcoming pages.

Just today my psych called me and told me since I went back to SS she was going to have me hospitalized. I had to cry and beg her not too. Instead she told me if I don't want help then I can see somebody else and that she'll be recommending me elsewhere and taking me off my narcotic medications(xanax and ambien). That's the last time I'll entrust someone. Wouldn't you think, maybe, that if you're seeing a psych that they would try to help you? Like, hey I know you're in pain, what can I do... at least thats what I thought I paid her for. I've been seeing her twice a week for years. She's always been kind to me, so I thought hey maybe if I told her I was really really struggling that she would put in her two cents and then ask what she could do. I don't get people sometimes. Suicidal people are hard to "cure" and even harder to understand. We've almost always made up our minds, even when we don't want to accept it. It can be very very very hard for someone to relate to that. I accept that. It has been 28 long years since the first time I tried to ctb and it has been some long years coming to this point. I know for a fact ctb is what I want, and believe it or not, that really hurts. I've been talking to my family all day, letting them know how much I love them and telling then I hope they'll always remember me(I have a wonderful family that has come to trust that im only doing what is best for me and respects that). They only always give me the upmost respect and pure unadulterated love. I couldn't ask for more than that. I really just have no idea how much longer I can take this. It's fast coming to an end.

I tell you guys these things cause I know y'all will understand. Those of you who do, thank you. I couldn't ask for better people than the ones I find here on SS. If only the rest of the world knew that. I thank you, each and every one of you. Feel free to message me anyone anytime.

Thanks guys
 
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F

foxdie

Got my ticket
Aug 18, 2020
1,011
My family,

Once again im sitting in my room crying. I just can't help it anymore. It's gotten to the point that im crying ten plus times a day without care of who sees me anymore. It's getting harder and harder every day...

I was just talking to a trusted friend and I told her about how my depression has compounded upon itself year by year. First time I thought about ctb was at 12, by fifteen I was crying some nights, by 20 it was every night, by 25 I was cutting every time I cried trying to stop crying, 30 I was crying every time I wasn't high or drunk and sometimes when I was, now at 35 I cry almost constantly. I even avoid SS at times cause I know it'll make me cry even knowing I can find compassion and love amongst these welcoming pages.

Just today my psych called me and told me since I went back to SS she was going to have me hospitalized. I had to cry and beg her not too. Instead she told me if I don't want help then I can see somebody else and that she'll be recommending me elsewhere and taking me off my narcotic medications(xanax and ambien). That's the last time I'll entrust someone. Wouldn't you think, maybe, that if you're seeing a psych that they would try to help you? Like, hey I know you're in pain, what can I do... at least thats what I thought I paid her for. I've been seeing her twice a week for years. She's always been kind to me, so I thought hey maybe if I told her I was really really struggling that she would put in her two cents and then ask what she could do. I don't get people sometimes. Suicidal people are hard to "cure" and even harder to understand. We've almost always made up our minds, even when we don't want to accept it. It can be very very very hard for someone to relate to that. I accept that. It has been 28 long years since the first time I tried to ctb and it has been some long years coming to this point. I know for a fact ctb is what I want, and believe it or not, that really hurts. I've been talking to my family all day, letting them know how much I love them and telling then I hope they'll always remember me(I have a wonderful family that has come to trust that im only doing what is best for me and respects that). They only always give me the upmost respect and pure unadulterated love. I couldn't ask for more than that. I really just have no idea how much longer I can take this. It's fast coming to an end.

I tell you guys these things cause I know y'all will understand. Those of you who do, thank you. I couldn't ask for better people than the ones I find here on SS. If only the rest of the world knew that. I thank you, each and every one of you. Feel free to message me anyone anytime.

Thanks guys

Sorry for your long struggle with that pain friend. I totally relate. I cry a lot too. At least your fam understands. Sad your psych didn't ugh. Sending you some hugs :hug:
 
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Devils_candY

Devils_candY

Afraid of life... scared to sleep...
Oct 23, 2020
46
Sorry for your long struggle with that pain friend. I totally relate. I cry a lot too. At least your fam understands. Sad your psych didn't ugh. Sending you some hugs :hug:

Thank you @foxdie
 
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toseeyousmile

toseeyousmile

Member
Nov 23, 2020
80
everybody's going through a lot nobody's gonna blame you if you feel too overwhelmed by your struggles we understand, best of luck to you in the future, I hope your situation can improve :heart:
 
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Devils_candY

Devils_candY

Afraid of life... scared to sleep...
Oct 23, 2020
46
everybody's going through a lot nobody's gonna blame you if you feel too overwhelmed by your struggles we understand, best of luck to you in the future, I hope your situation can improve :heart:

Thank you. It's true that a lot of people carry burdens and accumulate piles of stress. I feel for every one of them. But I reciprocate the love some people, including you, have for others. Y'all mean the world to me.
 
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Silver

Silver

The 21st century is when everything changes
Aug 8, 2020
745
my psych called me and told me since I went back to SS she was going to have me hospitalized. I had to cry and beg her not too. Instead she told me if I don't want help then I can see somebody else
That's ridiculous. Visiting this website isn't a death sentence. People can and do recover. So many people are forced here because they look for help IRL and don't find it; but it's on this website they find compassion, understanding and acceptance. Just by seeing her you're showing you're seeking help and it's very rude of her to cause you stress like that.
 
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Devils_candY

Devils_candY

Afraid of life... scared to sleep...
Oct 23, 2020
46
That's ridiculous. Visiting this website isn't a death sentence. People can and do recover. So many people are forced here because they look for help IRL and don't find it; but it's on this website they find compassion, understanding and acceptance. Just by seeing her you're showing you're seeking help and it's very rude of her to cause you stress like that.

Just my point exactly. I've green seeing her since 2016 and she just drops me like im shit. Im really hurt over that and it just makes me want to ctb even more. We all go through a lot. That's no reason to dwell on anything. In fact if we mean well we will always try to find help...

Right now im reaching out for help so bad that im missing everything that's happening around me... I need hello tonight. I can't explain how completely tired, depressed I am tonight...

Thanks for the comment. You're words have helped me tonight.
 
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_Kaira_

_Kaira_

This Isn't Fine
Oct 2, 2020
826
I'm so sorry that you're going through this OP.

This is the exact reason why it's hard to trust or rely on the current healthcare systems in place.
You never know which ones will take the info you give them and use it against you...
They wonder why more often than not we start to avoid getting 'help' :\

Sending hugs :heart: :hug:
 
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L

liluglibih

Member
Jul 14, 2020
55
Why are you against going to the hospital? Have you been before? I'm not saying it will be good for everyone but it might benefit you.. tbh sometimes I feel like I should be hospitalized but then I hear people talk about how shit their experience is and it puts me off of even disclosing just how bad my mental state is to any doctor/mh professional
 
_Kaira_

_Kaira_

This Isn't Fine
Oct 2, 2020
826
tbh sometimes I feel like I should be hospitalized but then I hear people talk about how shit their experience is and it puts me off of even disclosing just how bad my mental state is to any doctor/mh professional

From my own experience, I've never been sent to one ward that was actually decent. Either it feels like a prison, or you are infantilized to the extreme. Sometimes both. I hate it. It sucks. I've been to many different ones, and they may look different but almost do the same things. People are different. I won't tell anyone they aren't allowed to go see it for themselves. But, personally, they only managed to make me feel worse and more insane.

And if people feel like they were helped. Well good, I'm glad. But I see more bad outcomes than good. A lot more.
 
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Devils_candY

Devils_candY

Afraid of life... scared to sleep...
Oct 23, 2020
46
Why are you against going to the hospital? Have you been before? I'm not saying it will be good for everyone but it might benefit you.. tbh sometimes I feel like I should be hospitalized but then I hear people talk about how shit their experience is and it puts me off of even disclosing just how bad my mental state is to any doctor/mh professional
@liluglibih

Thanks. Yes I've been hospitalized, many times. Most by my own admission. At first it felt like I was doiown the right thing. Figuring I was attempting to save my life. The truth was, i really was reaching out for help. I wanted to figure out why I was thinking what I was thinking, and figure out what i could do about it. In all honesty, i feel like even though the majority of staff in that place do care, they also do not have much of a clue about the suicidal mind. Their goal is to get you in, adjust some medication, watch you for a few days and almost forcefully push you out the door. The atmosphere in some places can be welcoming, other places less so. The thing I really really don't like is your forced to eat, forced to go to bed, and your left alone most of the time, with nothing to do. That kind of alone time to me is killerIand I just end up crying more in the hospital than I would out of it.

Now this is my experience and my opinion through only my experiences. If you feel like you should be hospitalized and would benefit from it, more power to you. Never judge something by others experiences alone. Some people may benefit from short or long term hospitalization. It's easy to get in to one, just go to the er and tell them the truth, they are always very kind and loving. My only advice is this, if you are hospitalized and are finding it to be of no use, just lie. They usually get you out as soon as they feel you're better.

I wish you nothing but luck. There may be a hope for some of us. Hopefully you're one of them. Life sucks, but sometimes we smile. Those moments could end up saving us. If not im still your friend through it all. Never forget that im here for you, no matter what. Keep your head up, stare at the stars knowing one day, you'll be amongst them. Anytime you need an ear im here, feel free to message me.
 
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