I feel guilty even being here because objectively my life isn't even THAT bad.
I've dealt with severe body dysmorphia, bullying and isolation but I feel like if I truly wanted to die I'd just go ahead and do it already.
I've lost my support worker at my highschool as she found an account I have online and realised I have a crush on her as well as the fact I inject oxytocin in the bathrooms,
so she then reported it. I'm likely to be given a different support worker but it's never going to be the same. I've been feeling dogshit for over a week now, I'm always suicidal but not to this degree.
The thought of slitting my throat with a razor, hanging myself, laying my head underneath a bus tyre before it drives off, jumping from a high place and killing myself in a car crash runs through my head
CONSTANTLY.
Anyways, I'm thinking.. Should I test myself tomorrow? Hang myself in the bathroom and if I'm unable to pull myself up and get out of it then at least that meant I didn't want to live enough.
If I do manage to save myself, although it'll be hard I'll have to accept the fact I don't want to die. Forcing me to actually dial in in my life, at the moment I literally do not care about my future at all,
the idea I can just kill myself is so soothing. I'm just sick of half assing life, I'm in this crippling state where I try do productive things but literally CAN'T my brain just plays visualisations of various ways I could go about killing myself. Like I said, I'm sick of half assing everything. I'd rather be dead than depressed during what are meant to be the best years of my life.
What are yall's thoughts on this?
I've dealt with severe body dysmorphia, bullying and isolation but I feel like if I truly wanted to die I'd just go ahead and do it already.
I've lost my support worker at my highschool as she found an account I have online and realised I have a crush on her as well as the fact I inject oxytocin in the bathrooms,
so she then reported it. I'm likely to be given a different support worker but it's never going to be the same. I've been feeling dogshit for over a week now, I'm always suicidal but not to this degree.
The thought of slitting my throat with a razor, hanging myself, laying my head underneath a bus tyre before it drives off, jumping from a high place and killing myself in a car crash runs through my head
CONSTANTLY.
Anyways, I'm thinking.. Should I test myself tomorrow? Hang myself in the bathroom and if I'm unable to pull myself up and get out of it then at least that meant I didn't want to live enough.
If I do manage to save myself, although it'll be hard I'll have to accept the fact I don't want to die. Forcing me to actually dial in in my life, at the moment I literally do not care about my future at all,
the idea I can just kill myself is so soothing. I'm just sick of half assing life, I'm in this crippling state where I try do productive things but literally CAN'T my brain just plays visualisations of various ways I could go about killing myself. Like I said, I'm sick of half assing everything. I'd rather be dead than depressed during what are meant to be the best years of my life.
What are yall's thoughts on this?
