I honestly don’t know what to do

[Cherrypea]

You can't go on like this Rosey, you have been massively traumatised and he isn't helping you or himself. You are doing an amazingly to keep it together for your children but walking a tightrope. Please try and talk to your therapist about it, is it possible you can both go and see someone together? I know it's often used to help people through break ups, which although seem impossible as our heads are so foggy and our lives tied together are possible.
Your eldest is the same age as my youngest, I wish we at least lived in the same country but I'm always here for you to vent and maybe offer advice if you'd like xxxx
And you have to try and understand of course you are worth loving without sex, look at everything you do for your children every day. That is his issue not understanding or accepting your trauma.
I also know that this is difficult to believe when you are at your lowest though. Sending lots of love xxx

 

[Ghost2211]

Your ex is being manipulative. You should not be his battery. This is not helpful for you OR him. You need to tell your therapist.

There is limits what can be said to a therapist. The issue isn't his depressive issues it's the suicidality, and that's the part I can't say since if you tell a therapist someone is having serious suicidal ideation they will report it. That would make things much worse.

I went through something similar but when he decided he wanted my bros gf he let me leave finally. I took the kids and told him shove the house up his hos arse... its such an awful predicament to be in. My ex used to cheat and it would distance me sexually. And he couldn't understand why. I put up with it for 7-8 years and finally he said I can go. Has he cheated more than once ?

It wasn't that he went out and had sex with her, at least he says he didn't.... He fell in love with a coworker. They would go out and have drink and spend hours after work with her instead of coming home. This went on for months, and he always said he was working late or out with friends. I bet he's lying about sex with her, but sex isn't the issue. I would have been ok with a sexually open relationship due to my issues if we discussed it. The issue was he fell in love with her and left me for her and lies about it. The started officially dating less than 2 weeks after we ended after 11 years.... he didn't even skip a beat.

You can't go on like this Rosey, you have been massively traumatised and he isn't helping you or himself. You are doing an amazingly to keep it together for your children but walking a tightrope. Please try and talk to your therapist about it, is it possible you can both go and see someone together? I know it's often used to help people through break ups, which although seem impossible as our heads are so foggy and our lives tied together are possible.
Your eldest is the same age as my youngest, I wish we at least lived in the same country but I'm always here for you to vent and maybe offer advice if you'd like xxxx
And you have to try and understand of course you are worth loving without sex, look at everything you do for your children every day. That is his issue not understanding or accepting your trauma.
I also know that this is difficult to believe when you are at your lowest though. Sending lots of love xxx

Im so broken from all this. I'm too ashamed to admit how much I let him still be sexual with me even after he left, even when he was with her. He told me he didn't love me anymore and only wanted sex, and I just had to hold on to some part of what I lost. My therapist said I was using sex as self harm and needed to stop for stability. I didn't know how to... I would get suicidal and impulsive when he went out with her, and left me to watch kids. I knew he was using me. I started using mj to stop myself from killing myself because I was losing emotional control of my situation. Now that she's gone I'm much more stable, but I still have bad days sometimes. Life is hopeless at this point. There is no way out of this, and I really don't think I'll ever be sexually ok. Rereading this makes me see how pathetic this all is.

 

[Smudgedlines]

It really isn't pathetic.
you've been through an emotional rollercoaster, hurt, used, hurt again, controlled. It's not pathetic and you are not pathetic. You're wounded.
I had an ex of 7 years and he had an affair. We were going through a rough patch. She was younger. He ghosted me after all that time and left me bereft, I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know about the affair then. after a month of ignoring me he came back. I was so pleased that I basically let him have sex with me, he would, hed promise he was getting sorted and then he'd disappear again.
He nearly killed me and if I'm honest he introduced me to the thought of taking my own life. When I finally disentangled myself from him I ended up with an alcoholic because my wounds were deep and he was caring and loving and I was not strong enough to fight off another predator basically.

I'm telling you this so you don't feel alone and like it's only you. We all fuck up. A lot.

 

[Ghost2211]

It really isn't pathetic.
you've been through an emotional rollercoaster, hurt, used, hurt again, controlled. It's not pathetic and you are not pathetic. You're wounded.
I had an ex of 7 years and he had an affair. We were going through a rough patch. She was younger. He ghosted me after all that time and left me bereft, I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know about the affair then. after a month of ignoring me he came back. I was so pleased that I basically let him have sex with me, he would, hed promise he was getting sorted and then he'd disappear again.
He nearly killed me and if I'm honest he introduced me to the thought of taking my own life. When I finally disentangled myself from him I ended up with an alcoholic because my wounds were deep and he was caring and loving and I was not strong enough to fight off another predator basically.

I'm telling you this so you don't feel alone and like it's only you. We all fuck up. A lot.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry to hear you were treated so poorly. I really don't understand how some people have the capacity to be so cruel. Thank you for empathizing

 

[Smudgedlines]

Thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry to hear you were treated so poorly. I really don't understand how some people have the capacity to be so cruel. Thank you for empathizing ❤

Have never really told anyone how bad he made me feel. I lost 2 stone, when I say I didn't hardly eat for 3 months I'm not exaggerating. Yet I have a high flying career, house, bills, my kids rely on me, no one would know how many times I've avoided driving headfirst into a tree. Only the thought of the kids has stopped me. Thank you for your thoughts too and empathy...not easy to offer when you're in the depths of despair yourself

 

[Ghost2211]

Have never really told anyone how bad he made me feel. I lost 2 stone, when I say I didn't hardly eat for 3 months I'm not exaggerating. Yet I have a high flying career, house, bills, my kids rely on me, no one would know how many times I've avoided driving headfirst into a tree. Only the thought of the kids has stopped me. Thank you for your thoughts too and empathy...not easy to offer when you're in the depths of despair yourself

It's good to hear you've found success, financial independence, and shown your children a strong role model. We can't change the past, but it sounds like you've done an amazing job creating a future. One day at a time I suppose.

 

[BipolarGuy]

I can't talk to my therapist about this because of mandate reporting, and I can't talk to anyone around me... My ex emotional well-being seems to be dependent on how physical or lovey I am. He will get progressively depressed and suicidal, and be less involved with the kids if I want complete physical distance. He has exhausted mental health options, and distraction and hobbies don't help. No, we can't live apart, and no maintaining boundaries doesn't work. I don't want to be his emotionally battery, and he basically crashes if I don't maintain some degree of closeness. I put a hard no on sex due to how obviously unhealthy this all is. I feel so hopeless. I don't force myself to he a battery, but it's scary and stressful since if he kills himself not only is there how that would effect me emotionally, but also what it would do to the children and the household.

Do you feel that he's manipulating you, or does being close to you just bring him joy as he feels loved?

 

[Ghost2211]

Do you feel that he's manipulating you, or does being close to you just bring him joy as he feels loved?

Both to be honest. I can imagine it sucks to NEED another person for one to feel happy, but that's unrealistic expectations, and to be honest if he needed me that critically he shouldn't have thrown me away for someone else. I wish I didn't have to care.

 

[BipolarGuy]

Both to be honest. I can imagine it sucks to NEED another person for one to feel happy, but that's unrealistic expectations, and to be honest if he needed me that critically he shouldn't have thrown me away for someone else. I wish I didn't have to care.

Don't let him emotionally blackmail you to stay with him.
Once a cheater....
Don't be a doormat.

 

[Ghost2211]

Don't let him emotionally blackmail you to stay with him.
Once a cheater....
Don't be a doormat.

Things are never that simple. If I had good health and no neurological issues things would be different.

 

[Cherrypea]

Neither of you are anywhere near happy though and I'm sure at some level you both understand you'd be better off apart and there must be some way to make breaking up work. This is why I wonder if seeing a therapist together might help. Maybe you could thrash out your issues with the therapist facilitating. I wish I could give you a hug, watch your kids for your, get stoned and talk to your parrot with you xxxx

 

[Ghost2211]

Neither of you are anywhere near happy though and I'm sure at some level you both understand you'd be better off apart and there must be some way to make breaking up work. This is why I wonder if seeing a therapist together might help. Maybe you could thrash out your issues with the therapist facilitating. I wish I could give you a hug, watch your kids for your, get stoned and talk to your parrot with you xxxx

It comes down to finances and quality of life for the kids. We can't afford 2 rents because I can't work, so he has to support a family of 5 on his own. We have tried couples therapy and they agree if circumstances allowed for it living apart would be ideal. He has tried living alone and said the lack of children activity and no obligation outside of work made him more depressed. He won't talk to me about any of this anyway. He likes to approach me crying before we even talk at times I'm agitated like when kids have been too much, and then if I react with even the slightest agitation he will say he was just trying to talk to me and obviously can't so why bother. He sets talking up for failure and blames me even if I try to say ok we were both upset about other things let's just take a breath and talk. He doesn't want to talk he just wants things his way. I just wish I could die and get away from this hell, but I can't.