I am 24 and I have wasted my life. I have spent my life taking school and university seriously it has amounted to nothing. I am unemployed virgin female with no future. I was always worrying about failing exams as a teeanger.
I wish I went to parties and did drugs as a teeanger instead of caring about passing exams or even caring about the future.
I wish i failed my exams and never went to university .
I have wasted my entire life.
I hope that what I'm about to say doesn't serve to trivialise the way you're feeling. Your feelings are totally valid. I say it with the best of intentions:
Firstly, Dani Dyer is certainly an outlier. The reality for most people is nowhere near as glamorous. And even Glamour doesn't necessarily buy happiness.
As a 30 year old with nerve damage who can barely do fuck all anymore- drive, play the drums (my two biggest passions)- Hell I can barely fucking SLEEP anymore, like an 80 year old man- let me just say that it is HEALTH that makes life worthwhile, above all else!
No trip compares to waking up free of pain. None whatsoever. I mean I haven't tried all drugs but I've done a fair few.
It's so funny. I was the dude that partied and did drugs as a teenager, and wish I hadn't; my brain is fucked from all the pot I smoked, and half of my friends have terrible anxiety/mental health problems from their drug use. Some are still addicted in their late 20's/early 30's.
I was a pretty sharp dude beforehand. Now the sheer inability to process and memorise information terrifies me, and I feel doomed.
I've literally just finished talking to a friend who's 30 and is constantly thinking of suicide as he got so hooked on benzos in his early 20's that he now lives in a constant state of dread, like a never-ending nightmare... He can't work (not just isn't currently employed), lost his relationship due to being batshit crazy, and has barely any social life, but not by choice. The man can barely even SLEEP when he wants to...!
Don't get me wrong he's still a great guy, but not exactly the situation anyone would want to be in.
He told me just today that if he won millions of dollars he wouldn't give a shit as his mental health is so messed up from the drugs.
So many of my mates ended up in similarly shitty situations; the dude who did mushrooms to the point of psychosis and never really recovered. The friend who smoked so much weed she suffered marijuana induced psychosis and was rambling at me about how her dad is Donald Trump and her Mum is Princess Diana. She used to study computer science- not anymore.
I had one friend for whom the "walls didn't stop breathing for years" due to getting too into mushrooms.
Another smoking so much weed and did so much MDMA that he neglected his personal care, kept rolling his ankle multiple times, and had to have surgery on his leg. He sent me a pic of him crying in a wheelchair recently...
One of my best friends became a depressed recluse. He quit all drugs and a year and a half later he's never been the same.
Chasing the dragon has very real and utterly devastating consequences beyond which some people realise.
Whether you use drugs to enjoy yourself or to bury your problems, they don't care why you used them. They don't discriminate. They ruin people's lives, often irreversibly.
It's easily to idealise this drug using and partying lifestyle, without considering what the reality actually looks like. The reality is that you can't get away with doing drugs for any decent stretch of time without damage. Then what are you lamenting- a few dozen trips?
And everyone is different. Some people lose their minds after a single trip, although I think it's comparatively rare. Imagine that, doing acid once then spending the rest of your life in a mental hospital as you never stop tripping. Fuck.
Some people take bad trips and die! My own brother had a seizure from some bad acid, although thankfully he seemed to recover OK.
Stupid shit happens at parties. One of my mates had his teeth smashed in for looking the wrong way at someone. There's a dark side.
Trading your powers of mental faculty and sometimes even your sanity for some nights you'll probably barely remember really isn't that great of a trade off.
There's a saying that we always want what we don't have. Believe me, all the drug crazed partying is over hyped.
But if you still feel like doing that sort of thing then go for it! NOW is the time, as your brain will have just finished developing, and you're still plenty young enough.
But if you do it, for the love of god, do so in moderation. And also GET YOUR SHIT PROPERLY TESTED, no matter how "trustworthy" the source.
Go to one of those testing stations and get it done. Don't gamble with mystery substances- that's how people have nightmare trips, damage themselves or possibly even die.
And if you're gonna do it, do it with a good crowd. Not dodgy people. Although you'll often find that the more intimately a given crowd is connected with drugs- particularly harder ones- the worse the crowd is. Tends to go hand in hand.
As for the sex thing, again it's kinda over rated. I mean sex is great and all, but really it only constitutes a comparatively small portion of a person's life. Yet society fixates on it like it's the be all or end all.
I was a virgin till 24, and thought of myself as a complete fuckup. In retrospect I would've got laid way sooner if I stopped beating myself up and calling myself a loser all the time. But of course I didn't learn and went right back to doing it again even after I got laid, which cost me my relationship with a girl I really liked.
You could have been the loose girl who got raped, unintentionally impregnated, or a sexually transmitted disease. It happens more than you think.
If we're going to imagine alternate ways things could have gone, we might as well assume they would've absolutely gone to shit.
I mean don't let that stop you from getting out there if you want to. But what ya really gotta do is learn to GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY! You're capable.
Think you've wasted your life? THEN STOP WASTING IT. Cos it ain't coming back! Every moment is sooo precious.
Transform yourself NOW. Do things differently. Flick that switch and become who it is you want to be. Have those experiences you want to have as much as possible.
It's those who are open to change who tend to do the best in this life, I've noticed.
And as much as I adore this forum and so many of the people on here, be wary of how much time you spend here, ok? It's easier to slump down and accept your loser "fate".
Nothing that you've mentioned in your comment is unfixable. Get out there now! Do it for those of us who can't.
Anyway I hope what I said was helpful. It was probably too long to bother reading hahaha.
In any case, I hope you find happiness. Feel free to message me if it helps at all.
