Help I have started preparations for SN ctb

[ringo99]

Just waiting for my mom's surgery to be done. There's also a good chance that I'll be fired from my job next year. I'll finally be free to ctb. Already bought my SN since it's becoming more and more difficult to obtain here.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Just waiting for my mom's surgery to be done. There's also a good chance that I'll be fired from my job next year. I'll finally be free to ctb. Already bought my SN since it's becoming more and more difficult to obtain here.

I may get more since I opened mine three times even if it was rather brief although the 3rd time was to measure out 25g of sn just to see what it would look like. It was 500g of sn so ive still got plenty left over.

 

[tiredone]

Just wrote draft letters to my kids and ex. Will have to work on them i think, but at least have something ready if i cant pull myself to write more. Not much but at least something. Need to put them on paper tho, and that might be painful to do.

 

[Chronicoverwhelm]

Something crossed my mind and need to ask SaSu hive mind - I have SN from IC, still in date and sealed.
Did anyone had any problems with IC SN if it comes to purity?
I wont be able to test it until the date, hrnce my question.

I've got the exact same questions, I also have SN from IC still in the package, from last year.

 

[Catastrofe]

Something crossed my mind and need to ask SaSu hive mind - I have SN from IC, still in date and sealed.
Did anyone had any problems with IC SN if it comes to purity?
I wont be able to test it until the date, hrnce my question.

Unfortunately I have not much informations about it ... not that I heard about.
The good news is that if there will be any SN doesn't seem to give permanent damages. So, in case, you will still be able to live a regular life, or maybe try again. I understand it is not your goal, but it is at least one problem less :)

 

[tiredone]

8 days. Feel like shit. Cant sleep. Tired and no motivation to do anything. I want to be gone now, not wait. But cannot.
Feel tearful af. I hate crying. I still should do some things today, but it means leaving the house and walking in pain, when my ex would noy be here, and i dont know if i can handle that today. Half day yesterday spent lying in bed and trying to sleep. Feel like same today is coming. I feel horrible not being to do anything but its like i have no will to carry on. Just have to push, but it hurts even more. Why cant we die when we want to?

 

[Orbitc]

You are such a good person because you love your children. My father abandoned me and he didn't need me. I hope that your children will someday understand how much you loved them and appreciate it. Good luck

 

[tiredone]

Wrote the letters and instructions and printed them out. Dont know if i should leave my ex contact number on note to police. I struggle what to write to my kids - that i love them, its not their fault, they could not do anything to prevent this. I cried writing these. Im not sure what put in them more. I wrote to my ex that i still love her and cant imagine living without her. Even after all that, i still love her and try to hold to last smal ray of hope - but that is just something i keep telling myself. I am really down and under now and still have to live like nothing is going to happen for over a week.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Wrote the letters and instructions and printed them out. Dont know if i should leave my ex contact number on note to police. I struggle what to write to my kids - that i love them, its not their fault, they could not do anything to prevent this. I cried writing these. Im not sure what put in them more. I wrote to my ex that i still love her and cant imagine living without her. Even after all that, i still love her and try to hold to last smal ray of hope - but that is just something i keep telling myself. I am really down and under now and still have to live like nothing is going to happen for over a week.

I wish you all the best for this, it's really tough to go through this.

 

[tiredone]

7 days left. Less than 168 hours.
Every day is worse and more painful. I feel entirely out of place. Nothing makes sense anymore. Dont see a point in anything. Cant motivate myself to do anything. I started to think about leaving the house already, without a word. Whole night was thinking about taking stat dose. It just hurts so much i want it to end. Cant sleep properly. Cant focus on anything while she is acting the best of her life, while trying to cut me subtelty away from time with little one. This is so painful to watch. I was thinking of packing and going different town and ctb there. I just dont have courage to do that.

 

[LilaBlues]

Please remember also that a suicide in the family will impact your kids. You will kind of set an example. I don't know if it is okay to say that, I am new and not familiar with all the rules. But it is just one thing to keep in mind. Especially for the little one, if her mum is that unstable, you might be her anchor, too. And when that anchor is gone... How will she feel?

I just hope you find some form of peace - whatever you decide. I really do wish you all the best.

 

[Catastrofe]

Something crossed my mind and need to ask SaSu hive mind - I have SN from IC, still in date and sealed.
Did anyone had any problems with IC SN if it comes to purity?
I wont be able to test it until the date, hrnce my question.

I see my reply has't been posted. I do not know of anyone having issues with SN, expecially from IC that seems to be a very reliable source. But you should rather look for other infos too.
A good news is that SN doesn't seem to leave permanent damages, so in case of a failure you won"t be left somehow injured.

 

[tiredone]

Please remember also that a suicide in the family will impact your kids. You will kind of set an example. I don't know if it is okay to say that, I am new and not familiar with all the rules. But it is just one thing to keep in mind. Especially for the little one, if her mum is that unstable, you might be her anchor, too. And when that anchor is gone... How will she feel?

I just hope you find some form of peace - whatever you decide. I really do wish you all the best.

I do know that.
I am not her anchor. We all are. But i will be slowly cut off from them, by my ex. She says she will not do that, but she said many things over past few months that later turned out to be...different to her words.
how little one will feel is my biggest fear. But i cannot help it. Are you trying to tell me i should carry on living for my kid, while she will be slowly cut off from me, watch her from afar, while suffering every day, just not to die?
I have been trying for years, and i survived for them despite being in edge many times. They kept me alive. I cannot live without my kids and my ex. My love for them did not change. And i cant take this suffering any more. I want to be gone every second i am here. Even when i am with little one. It breaks my heart so much, that i want to end it asap. My thoughts today are flying everywhere, trying to find solution how to do it earlier. Its that bad. And there is only 1 person that can help it...and she wont. I think that even if i would tell her how i feel, she would either not belive, called attention seeking, or get me locked. I dont think i can take any of these. If i could find a ctb partner within next few days i would probably go with them.

 

[ThisUnrest]

Im so sorry for your heartaches and your losses. It all sounds very lonely and upsetting. I really wish she would change her mind. Wishing you comfort and peace.

 

[tiredone]

Im so sorry for your heartaches and your losses. It all sounds very lonely and upsetting. I really wish she would change her mind. Wishing you comfort and peace.

Thank you.

 

[KillerIsMe]

We are still living together in same house. Older one does not want to do much with me. She cannot wait till we split and they move out. I try to give her them last moments.
With little one is different story. It breaks my heart. She loves me deeply and she took it bad when we told her on friday. She does not want to talk about it, but i told her that she is only one that maybe can change her mum mind. I doubt it, but i am trying to cling to anything not to have to ctb. Without little one close i will loose it at some point. I am not able to focus on anything except loosing her soon.

Do not use the little one against her mom. It's important for you to understand that in this moment, you were the abuser. I was that little girl (boy) and it's part of the reason I want it over. The little one should not be made to think that she is responsible in any way for what is happening, especially since she is taking it so hard. This is the definition of the cycle of abuse.

I understand that it hurts but that's no way to go about this. Do not do her any more harm, and please don't end yourself because that will be doing a whole new world of harm to her. You can still try and be present in her life, though obviously there will be obstacles. You can still start over and do better.

 

[tiredone]

Do not use the little one against her mom. It's important for you to understand that in this moment, you were the abuser. I was that little girl (boy) and it's part of the reason I want it over. The little one should not be made to think that she is responsible in any way for what is happening, especially since she is taking it so hard. This is the definition of the cycle of abuse.

I understand that it hurts but that's no way to go about this. Do not do her any more harm, and please don't end yourself because that will be doing a whole new world of harm to her. You can still try and be present in her life, though obviously there will be obstacles. You can still start over and do better.

Right. You are branding me on the principle you were abused. Let me make it clear : i never abused anyone. Distorted reality perception of my ex, caused a lot of problems that children did not understand. I always tried to hide she was drinking and making arguments drunk. She cannot accept her own mistakes in many cases, and i had to take hit or blame. I am still paying off her gambling debts, that made her bankrupt because of her impulsive spending and hding it from me for months. I tried to hide it all from kids, so they have good mum. It was twisted and turned against me. I never shouted or annoyed my kids when drunk just for my fun and a 'joke'. Should i carry on or would you like to take some time and read through, or just ask question first? Because exactly as in my situation nobody asked how it looked liked from the other end.

 

[KillerIsMe]

Right. You are branding me on the principle you were abused. Let me make it clear : i never abused anyone. Distorted reality perception of my ex, caused a lot of problems that children did not understand. I always tried to hide she was drinking and making arguments drunk. She cannot accept her own mistakes in many cases, and i had to take hit or blame. I am still paying off her gambling debts, that made her bankrupt because of her impulsive spending and hding it from me for months. I tried to hide it all from kids, so they have good mum. It was twisted and turned against me. I never shouted or annoyed my kids when drunk just for my fun and a 'joke'. Should i carry on or would you like to take some time and read through, or just ask question first? Because exactly as in my situation nobody asked how it looked liked from the other end.

I have no doubt that it's a complicated situation and she is at fault too, but the way you are handling this is extremely immature and harmful to the kids. The fact that you have this mindset that you're going to kill yourself if this doesn't go your way, and then exposing your daughter to any of that, and putting any of that power into her hands, is abuse. You just don't see it because you're the one doing it.

It's quite simply not about whether you are being heard, whether anybody asked about your side of the story. This is an entitled mindset. Life isn't fair, sorry. You have a daughter to think about. And you complain about the older daughter not wanting anything to do with you, without acknowledging the trauma she's been through?

You haven't told her you're going to kill yourself, but she certainly has realized probably long ago that her behavior has a lot of power of daddy's emotions. In fact, if she does something wrong then the stability of the family is threatened.

Do you want to keep denying that you're hurting your daughter or do you want to stop hurting your daughter? You're acting like a teenager right now. A grown man posting on here to get attention for some sort of suicide ultimatum is just pathetic. You're no doubt hurting, but in the process you are abusing your family. Abuse comes from hurt.

We are all just hearing one half of the story, everyone.

 

[tiredone]

I have no doubt that it's a complicated situation and she is at fault too, but the way you are handling this is extremely immature and harmful to the kids. The fact that you have this mindset that you're going to kill yourself if this doesn't go your way, and then exposing your daughter to any of that, and putting any of that power into her hands, is abuse. You just don't see it because you're the one doing it.

It's quite simply not about whether you are being heard, whether anybody asked about your side of the story. This is an entitled mindset. Life isn't fair, sorry. You have a daughter to think about. And you complain about the older daughter not wanting anything to do with you, without acknowledging the trauma she's been through?

You haven't told her you're going to kill yourself, but she certainly has realized probably long ago that her behavior has a lot of power of daddy's emotions. In fact, if she does something wrong then the stability of the family is threatened.

Do you want to keep denying that you're hurting your daughter or do you want to stop hurting your daughter? You're acting like a teenager right now. A grown man posting on here to get attention for some sort of suicide ultimatum is just pathetic. You're no doubt hurting, but in the process you are abusing your family. Abuse comes from hurt.

We are all just hearing one half of the story, everyone.

If what you are saying is true, then more than ever i need to remove myself from here. I never wanted to hurt anyone, especially my family. And if that is what happened, then they will have chance for better life without me around.
I know life is not fair.
One of reasons i am tired of this world.
Even when you try hardest and want only good for others, it turns out that is not how it was received.
I am not even trying to defend myself anymore. I just need peace. We all will die in the end. I just cant take the constant pain anymore.

 

[KillerIsMe]

If what you are saying is true, then more than ever i need to remove myself from here. I never wanted to hurt anyone, especially my family. And if that is what happened, then they will have chance for better life without me around.
I know life is not fair.
One of reasons i am tired of this world.
Even when you try hardest and want only good for others, it turns out that is not how it was received.
I am not even trying to defend myself anymore. I just need peace. We all will die in the end. I just cant take the constant pain anymore.

If what you are saying is true, then more than ever i need to remove myself from here. I never wanted to hurt anyone, especially my family. And if that is what happened, then they will have chance for better life without me around.
I know life is not fair.
One of reasons i am tired of this world.
Even when you try hardest and want only good for others, it turns out that is not how it was received.
I am not even trying to defend myself anymore. I just need peace. We all will die in the end. I just cant take the constant pain anymore.

Don't, but no one here can stop you. You still have a daughter who loves you. Make it about her.

 

[Meditation guide]

I do know that.
I am not her anchor. We all are. But i will be slowly cut off from them, by my ex. She says she will not do that, but she said many things over past few months that later turned out to be...different to her words.
how little one will feel is my biggest fear. But i cannot help it. Are you trying to tell me i should carry on living for my kid, while she will be slowly cut off from me, watch her from afar, while suffering every day, just not to die?
I have been trying for years, and i survived for them despite being in edge many times. They kept me alive. I cannot live without my kids and my ex. My love for them did not change. And i cant take this suffering any more. I want to be gone every second i am here. Even when i am with little one. It breaks my heart so much, that i want to end it asap. My thoughts today are flying everywhere, trying to find solution how to do it earlier. Its that bad. And there is only 1 person that can help it...and she wont. I think that even if i would tell her how i feel, she would either not belive, called attention seeking, or get me locked. I dont think i can take any of these. If i could find a ctb partner within next few days i would probably go with them.

I feel for you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I want to preach about being so emotionally dependent on someone else, how bad it is, but I won't and it would not help you. I just hope you somehow find some peace from this situation you are in.

 

[undecided]

I'm genuinely moved by your 'story'. I hope something happens that can give you a glimmer of hope before you go ahead with your plan. But if that doesn't happen, I wish you well on whatever journey you choose to take.

 

[tiredone]

6 days.
I am struggling to be here.
dont have motivation to do anything.
being pushed away more daily.
i want to free them of me already.

 

[Meditation guide]

6 days.
I am struggling to be here.
dont have motivation to do anything.
being pushed away more daily.
i want to free them of me already.

I wish you could turn that around and free You from Them. And no one, not you or them, has to die to do that.

 

[tiredone]

I wish you could turn that around and free You from Them. And no one, not you or them, has to die to do that.

I wish it was true.
But i will not be free from them.
As without them, i dont want to be.

 

[Lys_C15H25N3O_d3]

you are narrating exactly the struggle me and countless others have been. found help here "with dealing with the longest and frightening weeks". My "deadline" still stands, but i know in about 3 days sobriety will kick me in the face and "hopelessness" would ensue. I'm not saying "a miracle can't happen" . These 4 weeks have been longer and more distressing than the last 4 years. But an unexplainable turn of events can

Although we "feel like in deathrow". The only ones who sentence us, ahn, are ourselveses and thats what drives insane isnt it? it's impressive how after unspeakable anguish some of us are able to question that.


what is frigthening is that the "test" almost prompted me to do something reallly stupid...




Please don't take me wrong with that "pro-lifer" label or whatever. Just though it would be damn easy after "i was ready" - wrong.


One thing for i am convinced is that here is no place for sadist fcks who get turned on human suffering and neither a "spiritual-self-mutiilation-torture" display . We tried, we tried everything even after NOTHING more was left. And counsciousness comes to "torture" and make us rethink everything over and over. The "comfort" of, having the "emergency exit" as a last resort (of all last resorts) makes this "wait" border the lines of "superstition" / "reason"


I admire you honesty and transparence. tbf thats the 1st time in years and attempts i'm concerned too. (not say "scared", which would be accurate)





wish i had the wisdom or way of with words some here have. peace.

 

[tiredone]

you are narrating exactly the struggle me and countless others have been. found help here "with dealing with the longest and frightening weeks". My "deadline" still stands, but i know in about 3 days sobriety will kick me in the face and "hopelessness" would ensue. I'm not saying "a miracle can't happen" . These 4 weeks have been longer and more distressing than the last 4 years. But an unexplainable turn of events can

Although we "feel like in deathrow". The only ones who sentence us, ahn, are ourselveses and thats what drives insane isnt it? it's impressive how after unspeakable anguish some of us are able to question that.


what is frigthening is that the "test" almost prompted me to do something reallly stupid...




Please don't take me wrong with that "pro-lifer" label or whatever. Just though it would be damn easy after "i was ready" - wrong.


One thing for i am convinced is that here is no place for sadist fcks who get turned on human suffering and neither a "spiritual-self-mutiilation-torture" display . We tried, we tried everything even after NOTHING more was left. And counsciousness comes to "torture" and make us rethink everything over and over. The "comfort" of, having the "emergency exit" as a last resort (of all last resorts) makes this "wait" border the lines of "superstition" / "reason"


I admire you honesty and transparence. tbf thats the 1st time in years and attempts i'm concerned too. (not say "scared", which would be accurate)





wish i had the wisdom or way of with words some here have. peace.

Thank you.
I am lacking words myself.
It is not as easy as some might think.
The struggle and pain are real, as much as our mind and body makes it.
I wish for it to end, before it becomes bearable no more, as then I fear what comes next.

 

[Lys_C15H25N3O_d3]

"The struggle and pain are real, as much as our mind and body makes it."

It is. the body even "starts mimicking what we imagine it is like, or similar experiences... "like cold sweat, light-headedness, dizziness, problem is.. doing on impulse there's a high chance of failing how come this be THAT difficult? (after all, we're talking about premeditating our departure, and it takes hours days, different mood states. so of course it couldn't be easy. I don't we don't want this. not this,


forgive me i am lacking words and staring at the damn clock and the smokes piling up on the ashtray.


I miss people i personally know, they went without even displaying a hint, leaving no letter nothing. and those around up to this day speculate "he was too high on this or that , his life was X Y Z." in fact no one will ever know... we still can write a list and go over and over and there's always going to be "something" I confess now maybe its not even 60% "about the reasons i openly declared open season on myself." if in the last counting hours there's "this trying to find more things to hold on to, than we have lost forever" - and then "maybe we can only lose forever if ahn,... " ( I believe you understand what this confusing sequence of heartbreaking-mindt-twisting-second-guessing is


We fear what comes next because we either have no idea of what it is (if there is) or because "there simply "wont be next" here for us"


i'm crossing the fingers hoping you overcome because of your particular story, because there's still someone worth all this hell, someone who isn't at fault. and it won't be fair to her, to grow up in a fckp up world with people saying whatever it suits them since you wouldn't be no longer here to ... sorry i feel i'm being TOO intrusive . going though all this nightmare you didn't leave your affections you didn't drop or ran away with "another family" (like many humans.. unfortunately do and start vicious cycles) i think you're decent and and hope the best solution... i understand how futile of me. "trying to preach what i haven't even been through" .


I apologize and hope for a decisive solution one that doesnt involve more pain and remorse. for us all.

 

[tiredone]

5 days
Want it to be over.
Cant sleep. Cant eat
Have to pretend i am ok.
I...dont know what to write.
I imagine the cup every day.
thete is that split second when you wake up and not fully remember what situation you are in. Then it hits straight away.
I want to howl, but i cannot.
I want my heart to stop...

 

[tiredone]

I managed to order meto. Should have it tomorrow hopefully.
That should ensure better results.
Should i try it when it arrives to see how it works or just wait till the 48h starts?
I managed to order meto. Should have it tomorrow hopefully.
That should ensure better results.
Should i try it when it arrives to see how it works or just wait till the 48h starts?