I have PSSD. Should I commit suicide?

[Powderedmonster]

Hey everyone. I want your honest opinions- I'm honestly not looking for any particular answer, but to know what to do. I genuinely don't know whether or not I should stay alive and the decision is really hard to make. I'm 20 y/o, took SSRIs when I was 16-17 for 16 months for social anxiety, had a pretty good life besides experiencing some (mainly social) anxiety prior to taking the pills. While on zoloft, I felt extremely depersonalized, emotionally numb, apathetic, and irritable 24/7. I decided to come off the pills in August 2016 and then about 2 months later crashed into the worst anxiety and emotional suffering I could ever even imagine let alone describe. Basically: it was internal torture, extreme restless agony, I simply could not exist in that pain. I blame it 100% on zoloft withdrawal, since I had never felt even nearly that bad before taking that. To top it off, I developed PSSD (post-SSRI sexual dysfunction) after coming off zoloft, basically meaning I can't feel attraction to anyone of the opposite sex or anyone at all, my genitals are numb, my emotions and lust for life are gone, and sexual activity feels as exciting as watching grass grow. Now, I also have post-SSRI anhedonia too, and the more numb my genitals are, the more numb I am to worldly pleasures- beautiful music, friends, movies, rollercoasters, you name it. SSRIs caused probably permanent anhedonia and sexual dysfunction for me. It's been 31 months since I came off the pills.

Now, this all seems really bad, and I really wanted to end my life and have contemplated it for a long time. But I'm only 20, and I'm almost certain that in about 4-8 years, a cure will be developed for this condition by the name of CT38, which would upregulate 5-ht1a, which is probably the receptor that caused this whole problem. (All PSSD sufferers who don't believe this will cure us, just don't say anything, I'm not interested.) Also, I believe that stem cell therapy might be able to reverse this brain damage, but that is a long ways away before it becomes affordable. Again, probably 4-8 years.

So I'm wondering. I've already lost 4 years of my life due to this shit. 4 years of my youth that I'm never getting back. Do I wait another 4-8 years and waste more of my youth, or should I wait and get cured in 4-8 years, with 8-12 years of my life wasted, and life the rest of my life?

This is my main problem, and this anhedonia is unbearable. It's really hard to live in this state. I'm genuinely wondering what you would do. I'm leaning toward ending my life now before I waste more of my youth. Please don't try to be heroes, I only want your honest opinions.


TLDR: I'm 20 and took SSRIs and developed PSSD and anhedonia that will probably be gone in 4-8 years if I wait, but I don't want to lose my youth. What do I do?

Thanks.

 

[JadedGray]

Sorry to hear what you're going through. This is why I believe people shouldn't take anti-depressants/anti-psychotics/mood stabilizers before 25 years old (unless as a last resort after all other options have been exhausted), until the mind is fully developed without any chemical interference. Unfortunately, many of us are here because of big pharma drugs. My biggest regret in life was starting them when I was nine, it only made everything a million times worse.

As far as the decision to commit suicide, only you can make that decision. Though some will probably say that you should wait since you're still so young and your life and health could improve. For some, life (and health) just get worse and there's no point in waiting (speaking from personal experience). You might lose your youth but you'll still have plenty of time to have an enjoyable life and make good memories later on. If you're in doubt maybe you should give it more time.

 

[Escaper Boy]

Obviously, only you can decide what's best for yourself. Losing youth is painful, no doubt. I'm 27 years old, and I lost my youth from depression and bad choices, pretty much ruining my future from here forward.

Is it really true that waiting 4-8 years is the only way to fix your issue? What if there are other alternative treatments/solution out there that you simply aren't awared of? I had accident few years ago that broke my collarbone. My right arm was pretty much disabled as a result. The doctor said the only way to fix it is by using (expensive) surgery. I didn't have my surgery (no money). My broken bone was 100% cured in 1 month with alternative/woo woo/unscientific/spiritual healing practice located in my town. Yes, magic/woo woo stuff was involved here.

I didn't need to pay expensive surgery money because the healer only accept donation. My point is, I think it's a wise choice to keep your option open. Perhaps, there are alternative cure "just around the corner".

 

[Umbra]

if you want

 

[EddieAllenPoe]

I don't think anybody can answer that for you. If I simply thought to kill myself and followed through with it every time I felt depressed or experienced low sex drive I would already be dead. When I was 22 I was bombarded with a whole slew of psychiatric medications that reduced my quality of life. I was severely suicidal and was involuntarily committed to a psych ward several times. I don't think I ever had a time where I had NO sex drive, but taking all the shit I used to take severely reduced it. In my case, I can't say I've actually regretted living through it though. Somehow in the midst of all my problems I met a woman who would later become my wife. We spent several years together and I got to go many places and spend time with family that made me happy to be alive. I eventually divorced the woman and then stumbled on a career that lifted me up a little bit out of poverty. I got to visit several places I never been before. (I had sex a few times. Not a lot but... I'm glad I didn't miss out on that). All throughout those years I've had more time to reflect on the meaning of life... What my role is in it... I've spent many hours alone learning about God or philosophy. Even though I don't think this describes the happier moments of my life, I don't regret having had these moments.

Life isn't a constant joy ride for most people. But I have to say I've run into enough things that have made it worth it for me up to this far. I'm almost 40. The really good moments were rare and almost like winning the lottery but I think they really were worth it after having suffered some really low points in my life. Can I tell you it will be worth it? No. But I think it's possible you could be missing out on stuff that may help you realize it was worth it.

I'm not sure what it's like experiencing what you're describing in terms of sexual dysfunction. I honestly didn't obsess over it and it concerns me how this problem seems to be defining your whole life. Do you know there are a lot of people who suffer from depression and pretty much don't have sex? There's a lot of people out there who somehow seem to continue living despite it. What do you think their secret is? A really good book I recommend to you is "Man's Search For Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. It's really not going to "solve" your problems. But it's an interesting read. It was written by a man who was imprisoned in a Nazi holocaust camp. He had everything taken from him. He had no joy in his life. He said he was still somehow able to find meaning and somehow it was worth it to him. I wonder what his secret was and what he meant. If you ever get a chance, check it out...

Also, I'm not a doctor, but have you ever had your testosterone levels checked? Sexual function is a complicated phenomenon and I have trouble believing an SSRI has the sort of power to do the level of damage you're describing. It honestly sounds like a hypochondriac fad. There are other factors that are way more probable and low testosterone is one of them.

 

[Powderedmonster]

I don't think anybody can answer that for you. If I simply thought to kill myself and followed through with it every time I felt depressed or experienced low sex drive I would already be dead. When I was 22 I was bombarded with a whole slew of psychiatric medications that reduced my quality of life. I was severely suicidal and was involuntarily committed to a psych ward several times. I don't think I ever had a time where I had NO sex drive, but taking all the shit I used to take severely reduced it. In my case, I can't say I've actually regretted living through it though. Somehow in the midst of all my problems I met a woman who would later become my wife. We spent several years together and I got to go many places and spend time with family that made me happy to be alive. I eventually divorced the woman and then stumbled on a career that lifted me up a little bit out of poverty. I got to visit several places I never been before. (I had sex a few times. Not a lot but... I'm glad I didn't miss out on that). All throughout those years I've had more time to reflect on the meaning of life... What my role is in it... I've spent many hours alone learning about God or philosophy. Even though I don't think this describes the happier moments of my life, I don't regret having had these moments.

Life isn't a constant joy ride for most people. But I have to say I've run into enough things that have made it worth it for me up to this far. I'm almost 40. The really good moments were rare and almost like winning the lottery but I think they really were worth it after having suffered some really low points in my life. Can I tell you it will be worth it? No. But I think it's possible you could be missing out on stuff that may help you realize it was worth it.

I'm not sure what it's like experiencing what you're describing in terms of sexual dysfunction. I honestly didn't obsess over it and it concerns me how this problem seems to be defining your whole life. Do you know there are a lot of people who suffer from depression and pretty much don't have sex? There's a lot of people out there who somehow seem to continue living despite it. What do you think their secret is? A really good book I recommend to you is "Man's Search For Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. It's really not going to "solve" your problems. But it's an interesting read. It was written by a man who was imprisoned in a Nazi holocaust camp. He had everything taken from him. He had no joy in his life. He said he was still somehow able to find meaning and somehow it was worth it to him. I wonder what his secret was and what he meant. If you ever get a chance, check it out...

Also, I'm not a doctor, but have you ever had your testosterone levels checked? Sexual function is a complicated phenomenon and I have trouble believing an SSRI has the sort of power to do the level of damage you're describing. It honestly sounds like a hypochondriac fad. There are other factors that are way more probable and low testosterone is one of them.

Yeah I've gotten everything tested and my hormones are normal. I went to see Dr Goldstein in San Diego sexual medicine for pssd (he recognizes the condition), and tested me and my tests were extremely abnormal, as was every other PSSD sufferer's he's had. He offered addyi which didn't work and ropinirole which stopped working in weeks. I've taken all kinds of herbal remedies. This is no hypochondrianism dude. I didn't ask to be challenged here, I was asking for input.

 

[EddieAllenPoe]

Well you got your input. You seem to already know all your answers. You should be good to go.

 

[Powderedmonster]

Well you got your input. You seem to already know all your answers. You should be good to go.

I did appreciate the first part of your answer so thanks.

 

[spanishguy22]

Obviously, only you can decide what's best for yourself. Losing youth is painful, no doubt. I'm 27 years old, and I lost my youth from depression and bad choices, pretty much ruining my future from here forward.

Is it really true that waiting 4-8 years is the only way to fix your issue? What if there are other alternative treatments/solution out there that you simply aren't awared of? I had accident few years ago that broke my collarbone. My right arm was pretty much disabled as a result. The doctor said the only way to fix it is by using (expensive) surgery. I didn't have my surgery (no money). My broken bone was 100% cured in 1 month with alternative/woo woo/unscientific/spiritual healing practice located in my town. Yes, magic/woo woo stuff was involved here.

I didn't need to pay expensive surgery money because the healer only accept donation. My point is, I think it's a wise choice to keep your option open. Perhaps, there are alternative cure "just around the corner".

wow that's interesting but tbh a lot of doctors are so incompetent you might have got one of them

Hope you get better OP. There's a forum of guys woth your problem. Some actually recover when they find what works.

 

[Dead_Inside]

It might be worth the wait. You can kill your self anytime.... and 24-28 would still be nice and young if a cure was found. I suffer from PTSD (not exactly what you are going through, I know) so I know some of the BS that people will tell you. That things will get better and you can work on getting more out of life.... it's been 10 years with PTSD - I was fairly non functional at the start.... I got mostly ok. But- there are HUGE gaps in my life. Big obvious ones. It's not going to complete go away with out some level of physical neurological modification. But hey, I did give it 10 years- I am just too damaged. Hope you find your cure.

 

[Shamana]

Hey everyone. I want your honest opinions- I'm honestly not looking for any particular answer, but to know what to do. I genuinely don't know whether or not I should stay alive and the decision is really hard to make. I'm 20 y/o, took SSRIs when I was 16-17 for 16 months for social anxiety, had a pretty good life besides experiencing some (mainly social) anxiety prior to taking the pills. While on zoloft, I felt extremely depersonalized, emotionally numb, apathetic, and irritable 24/7. I decided to come off the pills in August 2016 and then about 2 months later crashed into the worst anxiety and emotional suffering I could ever even imagine let alone describe. Basically: it was internal torture, extreme restless agony, I simply could not exist in that pain. I blame it 100% on zoloft withdrawal, since I had never felt even nearly that bad before taking that. To top it off, I developed PSSD (post-SSRI sexual dysfunction) after coming off zoloft, basically meaning I can't feel attraction to anyone of the opposite sex or anyone at all, my genitals are numb, my emotions and lust for life are gone, and sexual activity feels as exciting as watching grass grow. Now, I also have post-SSRI anhedonia too, and the more numb my genitals are, the more numb I am to worldly pleasures- beautiful music, friends, movies, rollercoasters, you name it. SSRIs caused probably permanent anhedonia and sexual dysfunction for me. It's been 31 months since I came off the pills.

Now, this all seems really bad, and I really wanted to end my life and have contemplated it for a long time. But I'm only 20, and I'm almost certain that in about 4-8 years, a cure will be developed for this condition by the name of CT38, which would upregulate 5-ht1a, which is probably the receptor that caused this whole problem. (All PSSD sufferers who don't believe this will cure us, just don't say anything, I'm not interested.) Also, I believe that stem cell therapy might be able to reverse this brain damage, but that is a long ways away before it becomes affordable. Again, probably 4-8 years.

So I'm wondering. I've already lost 4 years of my life due to this shit. 4 years of my youth that I'm never getting back. Do I wait another 4-8 years and waste more of my youth, or should I wait and get cured in 4-8 years, with 8-12 years of my life wasted, and life the rest of my life?

This is my main problem, and this anhedonia is unbearable. It's really hard to live in this state. I'm genuinely wondering what you would do. I'm leaning toward ending my life now before I waste more of my youth. Please don't try to be heroes, I only want your honest opinions.


TLDR: I'm 20 and took SSRIs and developed PSSD and anhedonia that will probably be gone in 4-8 years if I wait, but I don't want to lose my youth. What do I do?

Thanks.

I would stay and fit and healthy as possible and be patient. There are still other ways of experiencing some pleasure and joy until a solution comes along.

 

[Steve]

I have PSSD, which made me come to this forum. I suffer from severe genital anaesthesia and tingling, which plagued me 24/7 non-stop. But it began to improve over 2 years, from no sensation to 30% sensation and the tingling stopped. I haven't heard of CT38 nor have I gone to Dr Goldstein. Maybe I should go to him for a neurological work up.

 

[jrums]

It's the reason I'm killing myself. Especially the neurological symptoms. Although having no libido, and numb, shrunken genitals is reason enough to end it. Plus the insomnia and everything else. It's pure torture.
I don't believe a cure is coming anytime soon if ever. We are a small group of people with a strange genetic response to a medication that millions take and never get permanent damage from. Very few doctors know or care. Healy, Goldstein, Melcangi, etc. being the exceptions. But even they can't offer any help. Sorry dude. It's up to you how much you can endure.

 

[CURSED again]

I empathize totally - PSSD and SSRI side effects are horrible - check out psychology today regarding european version of FDA - i'm also a victim of all this crap (and feel suicidal) - yet alot of people don't believe all the damage is possible like post #5 on this thread ( the last paragraph).

Post-SSRI Sexual Dysfunction Recognized as Medical Condition

European regulators recognize a medical condition. Will their U.S. counterparts?

www.psychologytoday.com

 

[LittleJem]

I have PSSD, which made me come to this forum. I suffer from severe genital anaesthesia and tingling, which plagued me 24/7 non-stop. But it began to improve over 2 years, from no sensation to 30% sensation and the tingling stopped. I haven't heard of CT38 nor have I gone to Dr Goldstein. Maybe I should go to him for a neurological work up.

I heard of Dr Goldstein through the PSSD Facebook group. He has helped some people.

@Powderedmonster I've definitely heard of PSSD and it sounds hellish. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I would say nevertheless that if you can wait, then do. I am 42 and have suffered over 20 years with chronic depression. When I have had glimpses of happiness, it gives me hope that given the right treatment, there might be a happier phase of my life in future, and that is also my wish for you.

I would also look at Ayahuasca and Ibogaine. I saw at least one anecdote of one PSSD victim (I choose that word deliberately) who found relief that way.

It sounds like you are already on PSSD forums too, so you know you are not alone.

We are here for you no matter what your decision.

 

[Pardoe84]

Dear jrums and the others, this post is from 2019. I don't know if you are still here. Did your PSSD get better in the meantime?

 

[phersper]

Also very interested in knowing if you still with us today

 

[Pardoe84]

I found out jrums has passed away already:

Antidepressant Risks - Stolen Lives: Jordan

Jordan killed himself after suffering genital numbness

www.antidepressantrisks.org

 

[LittleJem]

RIP JRums.

And my post above I was 42 and now nearly 46. I have suffered four more years.

 

[N0FWayIneedtogo]

I cant relate to jrums, i have all the symptoms he stated genital numbness, intractable insomnia, severe anhedonia, suicidal ideation, loss of taste, cognitive issues, walking zombie also bed ridden and forced eating, this condition its the worst, a manmade illness due those pills, its a hell were cbt is inebitable, i got my sn ready but currently planing to travel to colombia where legal euthanasia its preformed.