I have nothing to prove

[fishperson]

So I have been using this forum for a few days , and I noticed a pattern , most people are filled with self hatred/ regret...
But i never found people in a similar situation than me , I dont hate myself hell I adore myself u could even argue i have quite the ego.
I don't have any regrets either I believe everything that happened to me is simply a consequence to how everything was panned out to be.
The way I view life , is that I simply think everyone gets a random set of variables , them ending up with a good life or not was never rly something they had control over.
Personally i feel like i got a very mismatched hand , the elements simply dont fit together , and I made peace with it.
My issue here is , i view life like some sort of video game , if u have a rly horrible build u either create another character ( which is not possible irl) or simply not play the game cause it's not interesting enough.
Life for me was never interesting specially with my set of variables , and I just need out..
wonder if someone out there shares my mindset

 

[Untoten_]

So I have been using this forum for a few days , and I noticed a pattern , most people are filled with self hatred/ regret...
But i never found people in a similar situation than me , I dont hate myself hell I adore myself u could even argue i have quite the ego.
I don't have any regrets either I believe everything that happened to me is simply a consequence to how everything was panned out to be.
The way I view life , is that I simply think everyone gets a random set of variables , them ending up with a good life or not was never rly something they had control over.
Personally i feel like i got a very mismatched hand , the elements simply dont fit together , and I made peace with it.
My issue here is , i view life like some sort of video game , if u have a rly horrible build u either create another character ( which is not possible irl) or simply not play the game cause it's not interesting enough.
Life for me was never interesting specially with my set of variables , and I just need out..
wonder if someone out there shares my mindset

I'm with you on this, I don't hate myself, I hate the variables I got. I wouldn't say I have an ego, but life certainly sucks, the only part I hate about myself is my stupid autism. It's ruined so much and made the LOML walk away since I couldn't handle an emotion.

It's why this year I'm ready to ctb, this time there'll be nobody around the save me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm fairly similar. I don't have much hatred for myself. I have one or two regrets although- I'm not a big one for regret either. I think we make the best choice we feel able to in that moment. I'm kind of resentful towards my 'bad luck' I suppose you would call it. Mostly towards the start of my life. I also think that what followed was an attempt to compensate. That it wasn't maybe the best path although- there were many worse ones I could have taken.

For me, it's more of a lethargy with life now. Of all the unavoidable chores and upkeep that go into maintaining it. I don't hate everything about life but then, it simply doesn't feel worth the effort for me and I'm tired of the expectation to keep going. I suppose the late great David Bowie sums it up in the lyric: 'Life wasn't worth the balance.'

 

[lpdsvm]

After finding a method, I don't hate myself much. Every time I think about it, I remind myself why hate? If things go too bad there is a free visa for me to exit.

 

[fishperson]

I'm fairly similar. I don't have much hatred for myself. I have one or two regrets although- I'm not a big one for regret either. I think we make the best choice we feel able to in that moment. I'm kind of resentful towards my 'bad luck' I suppose you would call it. Mostly towards the start of my life. I also think that what followed was an attempt to compensate. That it wasn't maybe the best path although- there were many worse ones I could have taken.

For me, it's more of a lethargy with life now. Of all the unavoidable chores and upkeep that go into maintaining it. I don't hate everything about life but then, it simply doesn't feel worth the effort for me and I'm tired of the expectation to keep going. I suppose the late great David Bowie sums it up in the lyric: 'Life wasn't worth the balance.'

absolutely , it just doesn't feel worth the trouble

After finding a method, I don't hate myself much. Every time I think about it, I remind myself why hate? If things go too bad there is a free visa for me to exit.

life starts to feel so peaceful when u simply stop caring

 

[violetforever]

i do like myself and it is mostly everyone and everything else about my life that bothers me. that's why i'm content when i'm alone.

 

[Blackthorne]

So I have been using this forum for a few days , and I noticed a pattern , most people are filled with self hatred/ regret...
But i never found people in a similar situation than me , I dont hate myself hell I adore myself u could even argue i have quite the ego.
I don't have any regrets either I believe everything that happened to me is simply a consequence to how everything was panned out to be.
The way I view life , is that I simply think everyone gets a random set of variables , them ending up with a good life or not was never rly something they had control over.
Personally i feel like i got a very mismatched hand , the elements simply dont fit together , and I made peace with it.
My issue here is , i view life like some sort of video game , if u have a rly horrible build u either create another character ( which is not possible irl) or simply not play the game cause it's not interesting enough.
Life for me was never interesting specially with my set of variables , and I just need out..
wonder if someone out there shares my mindset

I agree. The reason why I'm here and want out isn't personal failing or self-hatred or anything like that: I have a cardiac illness which is severe enough to seriously impact my quality of life and exposes me to irreversible damage later on. Why should I blame myself for being dealt a bad hand of cards? Your metaphor is more modern but it's essentially the same: some things simply cannot be changed. The only choice we have then is whether to forfeit the game or not.

The only thing I could have changed is my alcohol use (a risk factor for my illness) but I simply didn't know it could lead to such an outcome, I never saw it as problematic given the infrequency and limits I set myself and there are other medical factors at play over which I certainly did not have any control.

I like your rational, almost clinically detached point of view. Life is indeed a game of chance. Like a wise man once said: 'Life consists of a whole lot of shitty lotteries and you will win some of those lotteries'. Some 'win' far more than others, lead a miserable life as a consequence and sometimes kill themselves to escape said miserable life. The idea that happiness, succes, wealth, health etcetera are attainable for all is simply ludicrous.

 

[fishperson]

i do like myself and it is mostly everyone and everything else about my life that bothers me. that's why i'm content when i'm alone.

samee , in different environment I think I would have thrived , i cant tell tho if i would still be suicidal or not since a lot of variables change

I agree. The reason why I'm here and want out isn't personal failing or self-hatred or anything like that: I have a cardiac illness which is severe enough to seriously impact my quality of life and exposes me to irreversible damage later on. Why should I blame myself for being dealt a bad hand of cards? Your metaphor is more modern but it's essentially the same: some things simply cannot be changed. The only choice we have then is whether to forfeit the game or not.

The only thing I could have changed is my alcohol use (a risk factor for my illness) but I simply didn't know it could lead to such an outcome, I never saw it as problematic given the infrequency and limits I set myself and there are other medical factors at play over which I certainly did not have any control.

I like your rational, almost clinically detached point of view. Life is indeed a game of chance. Like a wise man once said: 'Life consists of a whole lot of shitty lotteries and you will win some of those lotteries'. Some 'win' far more than others, lead a miserable life as a consequence and sometimes kill themselves to escape said miserable life. The idea that happiness, succes, wealth, health etcetera are attainable for all is simply ludicrous.

thank you for this comment , it makes me feel understood !

 

[Blackthorne]

samee , in different environment I think I would have thrived , i cant tell tho if i would still be suicidal or not since a lot of variables change

thank you for this comment , it makes me feel understood !

You're very welcome. I only gave my honest opinion. Glad it meant something to you.