Venting I have no where to go where I'd be happy

[Synfrome]

I'm crying as I write this, I'm just so fucking done. I woke up to a message from the friend I was talking about in my last post essentially saying she was glad I wasn't going to hang out with our friends whilst she did because her attachment issues surrounding me would trigger her depressive tendencies. I'm not wanted even when I'm also struggling, good to know, noted. To be honest I completely understand it I'm just in an awful place right now so I'm super sensitive to stuff like that.

I don't want to be at uni anymore but also I know I'd hate being at home too. It's the choice between being overworked or having no work at all, which slowly drives me insane. My granddad was ringing me while I wrote that last paragraph and I had to let it ring because he doesn't deserve to hear me sobbing at 11:45 in the morning. I wish I could just live with my grandparents forever like I did when I was 17 and 18, they're the most loving and kind people on Earth. Even though they don't fully understand and struggle with my transition I can tell they're doing their best to use my chosen name and pronouns which I'm eternally grateful for. I love my mum as much and if not more but I can't rest in that house knowing that my horrible stepdad lives there too. He verbally abuses her, never does anything around the house, constantly causes arguments with everyone around him and can't be bothered to get a job because of the shitload of inheritance he's sitting on so my mum has to work even harder than she should. Although no one in my family will admit it he tried to kill her once in a drunken rage. I was in the ambulance with her when she was lying on a stretcher unconscious and bleeding from the head. I remember waking up to screams that night when I was 9. Police arrested him and he was in a cell for 3 days and had the balls to complain about the conditions whilst he left my mum with injuries that still affect her to this day. If anyone on this Earth deserves horrible things it's him. I felt awful leaving her alone in that house with that man but I couldn't take it anymore. I miss my pet bird. He's really old and I'm scared he'll pass away while I'm at uni so I won't even get a chance to say goodbye. Although my aunt is an angel I always wished my uncle never moved out to live with her so me and my mum could've just lived with him forever. That's the only time I felt like I was part of a normal family, my uncle is the dad I never had.

I'm just so fucking miserable all the time. I wish I didn't have to live in a world where I'm constantly pushed beyond my limits just to achieve the minimum of what everyone else is able to achieve, hell I wish my disabilities didn't give me these limits in the first place. I could never shake the feeling after leaving the hyper toxic environment of my grammar school that I could've been so much more had I not been auDHD. I wish I could live in a world where me, my grandparents, my mum and uncle all live in a big house together and I get to spend time with my friends and do my hobbies and I'm protected from all the horrible people who've come into my life just to hurt me. If I could disappear into that world I would.

 

[lost in the lilies]

It really sucks when even your home, the one place where in theory you should feel safe and comfortable, also becomes a hostile environment that chokes the life out of you. I'm really sorry you and your mother have had to go through these things, your step father sounds like a real piece of shit and you and your mother deserve better. Unfortunately we don't always get what we truly deserve in life. I'm not really sure what I could say except that I can relate to what you're going through and I know how overwhelming it is, nobody should have to live without having at least one place where they can just *be* without needing to have their guard up. I really hope you're able to find a moment of peace and quiet :( and maybe it doesn't mean much but I'm proud of you for having dealt with these things for as long as you have, it takes strength

 

[Synfrome]

It really sucks when even your home, the one place where in theory you should feel safe and comfortable, also becomes a hostile environment that chokes the life out of you. I'm really sorry you and your mother have had to go through these things, your step father sounds like a real piece of shit and you and your mother deserve better. Unfortunately we don't always get what we truly deserve in life. I'm not really sure what I could say except that I can relate to what you're going through and I know how overwhelming it is, nobody should have to live without having at least one place where they can just *be* without needing to have their guard up. I really hope you're able to find a moment of peace and quiet :( and maybe it doesn't mean much but I'm proud of you for having dealt with these things for as long as you have, it takes strength

Thank you for taking the time to write those kind words, at a time where I feel isolated from a lot of other people this means a lot to me. I'm sorry that you can relate to what I said, we both deserve to have homes where we can relax and feel at peace. I especially appreciate you saying you're proud of me for getting through all this, I don't hear that very often. Obviously I'm not privy to your situation but considering you're on this forum I'm proud of you too for having to fight against your daily struggles.