I have no one I can comfortably vent about this to.

[beelzebul]

I have two friends and they hate each other. They both hurt each other when they tried dating. Friend 1 cheated after feeling neglected and friend 2 had a reasonable reaction to it. Ultimately, words were exchanged and now friend 2 literally detests friend 1. F1 has had breakdown after breakdown due to the guilt and has tried numerous times to apologize. F1 doesn't expect forgiveness, but wanted to try to get closure for both of them (up until recently, F1 still had respect for F2 and wanted the best for them). F2 was not receptive to any kind of communication and doubled down on their absolute hatred of F1.

I couldn't bring myself to throw away nearly 15 years of friendship with F1 and it caused trouble between me and F2. F2 would say horrible things about F1 to me, like saying F1 should get raped, be killed, etc. I have fought with both of them over this. I've scolded the fuck out of F1 for cheating and saying hurtful things to F2, and I have told F2 that their hatred isn't healthy or rational anymore (but they are valid in not forgiving and feeling wronged).

It ended up in F2 unfriending me for a few years. They couldn't get over me being friends and hanging out with F1 after everything. I was accepting and understanding and wished them well. Aside from them saying "fuck you", we ended on a pretty okay note (it doesn't sound like it, but we did).

Years later, F1 had unmedicated behavioral disorders and said some hurtful things to me out of no where and blocked me. This lead to me attempting suicide last year. I left some cryptic messages on Facebook, so F2 reached out to me and we started talking again. I made it clear to them that I still love F1 and don't have any negative feelings towards them, so if that bothered F2, I would understand. They decided it wasn't a big enough issue for them.

F1 came back into my life months later. They were extremely apologetic and explained their disorders to me and how it influenced their decisions in blocking me and saying those things to me. I love them too much not to forgive them, so we are talking again. It's like we never had a falling out at all.

I told F2 right away. I wanted them to know that I was friends with F1 again, so they could make whatever decision they needed to. They decided that, while disappointed in me, it wasn't a deal breaker.

The issue I'm having now is that F2 will frequently bring up F1 and shit talk them. They have this idea of exactly what F1 is like and it is just not accurate at all. F2 thinks F1 is a life ruining, blood sucking, chronic liar and cheater. F1 isn't like that at all. I don't argue with F2 when they do this, I just ignore the subject and move on.

Sometimes it gets to be too much though. F2's hatred is so soul-crushingly extreme that I'm struggling to sympathize anymore. I have been cheated on numerous times, so I know how horrible it is. But this is insane to me. It has been YEARS since they even spoke to each other, but F2 acts like it was yesterday. F2 acts like F1 is still cheating on them, still being mean to them, still the person they were in the past. It's just not reality anymore. F2 is living in a fantasy world and F1 is the big bad villain. I'm tired of it. It's unhealthy and it's bringing me down too.

Somehow that isn't the absolute worst part. The worst part is that F2 has now shown that they will bring up my friendship with F1 to hurt me when we argue. It's happened once (today), but it left a shitty taste in my mouth. They admitted that the only reason they brought F1 up in our argument (unrelated to F1 at all) was because they knew it would fuck with me. It made me sick that they think it's okay to hold my friendship with F1 (who is totally changed) over me.

And I can't say anything about it, because F2 is SO volatile and in their head about F1 that anything I say will be read as me defending F1's past and as an attack on F2.

I am so fucking tired of F2's hatred. F1 cheated. It's terrible and they shouldn't have done it, but the reaction is disproportionate to the crime. They were together for a very short time and with hindsight, F2 has even said they didn't really have much in common. I get that F2 feels wronged and hurt, but it's so overwhelmingly blown out of proportion. And I'm fucking tired of hearing about it. I just want to scream at F2 to grow up and get over it, but I wouldn't be a good friend if I did that. F2 is valid in feeling hurt, so saying something like that is wrong, right???

I don't know what to do. I feel sick. I almost relapsed cutting today because of F2's pettiness. I kind of tried talking to this to F1, because I was desperate for anyone to vent to, but now I'm realizing that wasn't the right move. F1 had a visceral reaction to learning that F2 calls F1 something I didn't know was problematic for them and started to have what sounded like a panic attack or breakdown.

I had to step away from F1 at that point, because I was too overwhelmed. I wanted to vent about my feelings, but it turned into me having to be there for them instead (and admittedly, it was my fault it happened that way.) I just wanted to be comforted, not... having to comfort them. I didn't even get a chance to explain how fucked up I feel right now, or that I fought the urge to relapse, before F1 started all-capsing their feelings at me.

I'm just so tired of this. I want F2 to move the fuck on, but it's never gonna happen. I'm so tired I literally just want to cut and die lol

 

[SMmetalhead36]

I'm sorry you had to endure this, based off what I read, it's sounds like you distanced yourself from them but one is still refusing to let go?

 

[beelzebul]

I'm sorry you had to endure this, based off what I read, it's sounds like you distanced yourself from them but one is still refusing to let go?

I'm good friends with both, sorry if that wasn't clear. One of them is probably the person I am closest to in this world.

But they don't talk to each other and haven't for years. F2 has intense hatred for F1 and can't let go of what happened. And to be honest, I'm not expecting F2 to forgive F1 for cheating or anything. But I think it's unreasonable for F2 to still be acting this way after so long. They aren't even in each others lives anymore, but F2 acts like F1 is actively trying to ruin F2's life. I'm sick of it.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

I'm good friends with both, sorry if that wasn't clear. One of them is probably the person I am closest to in this world.

But they don't talk to each other and haven't for years. F2 has intense hatred for F1 and can't let go of what happened. And to be honest, I'm not expecting F2 to forgive F1 for cheating or anything. But I think it's unreasonable for F2 to still be acting this way after so long. They aren't even in each others lives anymore, but F2 acts like F1 is actively trying to ruin F2's life. I'm sick of it.

Got it, I read it wrong my apologies. So you feel like it's putting you in the middle?

 

[beelzebul]

Got it, I read it wrong my apologies. So you feel like it's putting you in the middle?

I guess so. F2 will bring up F1 at random times just to disparage them or say something bad about them, even knowing that it bothers me. I can't talk to them about it because F2 will think I'm defending F1's past actions. I'm literally stuck. It's extremely draining.

 

[set0553]

I was in a similar situation once, without going into detail.. hate to say it, I had to ditch both, for my own mental health,. Being in the middle of it all, you end up being the punching bag, and being hurt the most..

 

[SMmetalhead36]

I guess so. F2 will bring up F1 at random times just to disparage them or some something bad about them, even knowing that it bothers me. I can't talk to them about it because F2 will think I'm defending F1's past actions. I'm literally stuck. It's extremely draining.

I understand, that is very exhausting indeed especially if you have no one to vent to.

 

[beelzebul]

I was in a similar situation once, without going into detail.. hate to say it, I had to ditch both, for my own mental health,. Being in the middle of it all, you end up being the punching bag, and being hurt the most..

To be completely honest, I'm not strong enough to do that. I love them both. I just want F2 to not talk to me about F1. F1 is usually pretty good about being mindful of my feelings and I can tell them when they make me feel badly or whatever without worrying about how they'll take it. If I have to unfriend either of them, it'll be F2, but I don't want to do that either. We have been through a lot and have a lot of fun together when they don't bring up F1.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

Have you voiced to friend 2 about not bringing up friend 1 in conversations?

 

[beelzebul]

Have you voiced to friend 2 about not bringing up friend 1 in conversations?

Definitely. I've also made it clear that it makes me uncomfortable when F2 shit talks F1. I don't think F2 cares or they are just so blinded by their hatred that it comes across like they don't care.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

Ok. Sounds like friend 2 doesn't respect you that much either. If they did they'd honor that.

 

[beelzebul]

Ok. Sounds like friend 2 doesn't respect you that much either. If they did they'd honor that.

I mean, yeah I guess. I do definitely think F2 resents me for being friends with F1 and jumps at the opportunity to use it against me. It just doesn't have the effect I think they think it does.

My theory is that they bring up F1 to make me feel bad for being F1's friend, but it just makes me feel exhausted with F2 being unwilling to work on himself or move on from his hurt. I literally do not feel bad for being F1's friend. F2 would never forgive me if I said this to them, though.

Logically I understand F2 is bad for me sometimes, but I'm just not willing to break off our friendship.

 

[whywere]

I, in a way dislike saying this a lot but it does bring relevance to this and also, I agree 100% with @set0553 that after all this time, for your sake now and IN THE FUTURE, is to say goodbye to both of them.

Now this is for YOUR mental AND physical health. Also, going by past experience, if they want to have you as a friend or good friend, they may see what AND how it is affecting you and want to BE your friend, instead of using you as a whipping post.

Back in 1983, at my summer job in college, I ran into basically the same situation, and I gave up and told both to grow up, figure it out without dragging me through THEIR mud and after that I would be around if they wanted to be friends, if not I understood. Get this! They stopped squabbling, grew up and ready for this? they got MARRIED! NOW the bad piece of news is that they did not invite me to their wedding or anything after that, and I was hurt for a bit, BUT I would have killed myself if I would have stayed between the two of them as they fought before they grew up.

Looking back at it, have not thought of this for a long time, I would have done it all over again. I worked with one of them and for 8 hours a day listening to bitching and complaining was TOO MUCH for me. I would leave work so wound up and it had affected me greatly.

Lots of caring and loving thoughts to you, my good friend and I have you in my heart and mind, as we are ALL in this TOGETHER always.

Walter

 

[Linda]

I have two friends and they hate each other. They both hurt each other when they tried dating. Friend 1 cheated after feeling neglected and friend 2 had a reasonable reaction to it. Ultimately, words were exchanged and now friend 2 literally detests friend 1. F1 has had breakdown after breakdown due to the guilt and has tried numerous times to apologize. F1 doesn't expect forgiveness, but wanted to try to get closure for both of them (up until recently, F1 still had respect for F2 and wanted the best for them). F2 was not receptive to any kind of communication and doubled down on their absolute hatred of F1.

I couldn't bring myself to throw away nearly 15 years of friendship with F1 and it caused trouble between me and F2. F2 would say horrible things about F1 to me, like saying F1 should get raped, be killed, etc. I have fought with both of them over this. I've scolded the fuck out of F1 for cheating and saying hurtful things to F2, and I have told F2 that their hatred isn't healthy or rational anymore (but they are valid in not forgiving and feeling wronged).

It ended up in F2 unfriending me for a few years. They couldn't get over me being friends and hanging out with F1 after everything. I was accepting and understanding and wished them well. Aside from them saying "fuck you", we ended on a pretty okay note (it doesn't sound like it, but we did).

Years later, F1 had unmedicated behavioral disorders and said some hurtful things to me out of no where and blocked me. This lead to me attempting suicide last year. I left some cryptic messages on Facebook, so F2 reached out to me and we started talking again. I made it clear to them that I still love F1 and don't have any negative feelings towards them, so if that bothered F2, I would understand. They decided it wasn't a big enough issue for them.

F1 came back into my life months later. They were extremely apologetic and explained their disorders to me and how it influenced their decisions in blocking me and saying those things to me. I love them too much not to forgive them, so we are talking again. It's like we never had a falling out at all.

I told F2 right away. I wanted them to know that I was friends with F1 again, so they could make whatever decision they needed to. They decided that, while disappointed in me, it wasn't a deal breaker.

The issue I'm having now is that F2 will frequently bring up F1 and shit talk them. They have this idea of exactly what F1 is like and it is just not accurate at all. F2 thinks F1 is a life ruining, blood sucking, chronic liar and cheater. F1 isn't like that at all. I don't argue with F2 when they do this, I just ignore the subject and move on.

Sometimes it gets to be too much though. F2's hatred is so soul-crushingly extreme that I'm struggling to sympathize anymore. I have been cheated on numerous times, so I know how horrible it is. But this is insane to me. It has been YEARS since they even spoke to each other, but F2 acts like it was yesterday. F2 acts like F1 is still cheating on them, still being mean to them, still the person they were in the past. It's just not reality anymore. F2 is living in a fantasy world and F1 is the big bad villain. I'm tired of it. It's unhealthy and it's bringing me down too.

Somehow that isn't the absolute worst part. The worst part is that F2 has now shown that they will bring up my friendship with F1 to hurt me when we argue. It's happened once (today), but it left a shitty taste in my mouth. They admitted that the only reason they brought F1 up in our argument (unrelated to F1 at all) was because they knew it would fuck with me. It made me sick that they think it's okay to hold my friendship with F1 (who is totally changed) over me.

And I can't say anything about it, because F2 is SO volatile and in their head about F1 that anything I say will be read as me defending F1's past and as an attack on F2.

I am so fucking tired of F2's hatred. F1 cheated. It's terrible and they shouldn't have done it, but the reaction is disproportionate to the crime. They were together for a very short time and with hindsight, F2 has even said they didn't really have much in common. I get that F2 feels wronged and hurt, but it's so overwhelmingly blown out of proportion. And I'm fucking tired of hearing about it. I just want to scream at F2 to grow up and get over it, but I wouldn't be a good friend if I did that. F2 is valid in feeling hurt, so saying something like that is wrong, right???

I don't know what to do. I feel sick. I almost relapsed cutting today because of F2's pettiness. I kind of tried talking to this to F1, because I was desperate for anyone to vent to, but now I'm realizing that wasn't the right move. F1 had a visceral reaction to learning that F2 calls F1 something I didn't know was problematic for them and started to have what sounded like a panic attack or breakdown.

I had to step away from F1 at that point, because I was too overwhelmed. I wanted to vent about my feelings, but it turned into me having to be there for them instead (and admittedly, it was my fault it happened that way.) I just wanted to be comforted, not... having to comfort them. I didn't even get a chance to explain how fucked up I feel right now, or that I fought the urge to relapse, before F1 started all-capsing their feelings at me.

I'm just so tired of this. I want F2 to move the fuck on, but it's never gonna happen. I'm so tired I literally just want to cut and die lol

One way to deal with this might be to tell F1 that you never want to hear them mention F2 (and you won't mention F2 when talking to them, even though you remain friends wth F2). And give F2 the corresponding message.

 

[beelzebul]

One way to deal with this might be to tell F1 that you never want to hear them mention F2 (and you won't mention F2 when talking to them, even though you remain friends wth F2). And give F2 the corresponding message.

Fortunately, F1 doesn't mentioned F2 to me. They have completely moved on with their life. They're married and live their own life. F2 is the one who is stuck on F1 and brings F1 up at random times.

I have told F2 to stop, but like I said earlier, I think they are so blinded by hate that they don't care. Or maybe they don't realize how often they bring F1 up or simply have forgotten how it makes me feel? I think the real reason is because F2 wants to remind me how bad F1 hurt them, so I'll feel bad for being friends with F1 again. The thing is... I don't feel bad for being friends with F1. F1 has completely changed. I can see changes and I can see them working on themselves all the time.

I know the logical thing is to unfriend F2, but they were there for me in my darkest moment. It wouldn't feel right ditching them.

 

[tsumihoroboshi]

i have been in the same situation as you, well. a similar one. 2 friends trying to drag me into their personal beef that ended in catastrophe. one friend was also there for me in my darkest hour, but i had to let them go. they were turning me into a person i didn't wanna be and ended up hurting the other friend in the process. to this day, they both still hate me for "wronging" them.

even though someone was there for you, you really have to think if the turmoil they put you through is worth that moment. they refuse to listen to you at all. people like that, that are so stuck in the past over someone that they simply refuse to move on are just gonna make you drown with them.

it will hurt, but you have to do what's right for you. for your sanity and peace of mind.