I have never chosen to be that obsessed about suicide

[noname223]

I am so obsessed by suicidality and extreme worrying. I am worrying almost with no break. If one problem is solved I am ruminating about the next one. This is so horrible. I just wish I could reach peace. No more extreme daily sorrows. I just don't know what to do. The situation is so hopeless. There are so many dangers, everything will fall apart in the future. This is all a house of cards. I am so scared what is coming next. Life can be so torturous and it is always so cynical. The joke is always on me. I am pretty convinced there is no solution for me. There is like really really tiny hope to find a solution for my problems. But the other catastrophic outcomes are so much more likely. I am feeling physically sick when I think about all of this. I am stil fighting this fight. But I see I am always the butt of the joke.

I am not sure I try to escape from this or that pain but by doing that I fuck up other parts of my life. I am so desperate. I feel once again guilty for using this forum. They treat us like demons in this place. We would be purely evil. I don't want to be called evil. I try to act morally right. I just need this place to vent and to talk about my suicidality. My friends are annoyed by it because I am always repeating myself. I have every day A LOT of suicidal thoughts (many hours). Way too much in order to cope with it in a healthy manner. Everyday I am telling myself I know it will end with my suicide. There is no way to escape it. I try to cling to the remaining tiny hope. And it helps sometimes. But damn I just don't know what to do. I feel like I need this place. I don't know how I managed my suicidality without talking about it in this place. It is such a long tim ago I joined. I always returned when I tried to quit. And always during the time I quitted I felt horrible. Way more desperate than during the time when I talked about my suffering. I just feel so lonely without this website. There are so many experiences you only know when you are (severely) suicidal.
My therapists or the people from my self-help often don't get it either.

Thinking so much about suicide is so absurd. You imagine your own death so often and still these are only thoughts. It is so unreal that you are in this situation. You ask yourself what have I done wrong so that this shit happened. I can perfectly analyze the situation. I can say which behaviors triggered my traumatas but I cannot really win against my illness. My illness determines my own life fully. I am just very ill on a high level. I have so many problems and mental issues. I am always glad when I make it through the day. But the future will contain A LOT of pain. It is so absurd but the worst is yet to come. And damn it is true there is no real rock bottom. And this shit scares the fuck out of me. There is always a worse to a situation.. With my luck there will happen horrible and nightmarish stuff like in the past.

 

[Sea Turtle]

I relate to this deeply. No matter what gets resolved, there's always the next time to worry about. And that (not so little sometimes) voice in the back of the mind pushing for CTB.

You aren't evil, we aren't evil, they demonize us because they don't understand. This is a safe place to vent, to cope, to talk, to be understood. According to them, we don't deserve that. It's true that people do not understand until they have experienced it. They'll throw (thanks I'm cured!) shit like therapy or hotlines at us, but they're useless for many people. Tell the truth to others, enjoy the $40,000 hospital bill that makes us more suicidal. This forum is one of the only places that is different.

Welcome back to the forum, but I'm so sorry it is on these terms. I hope you're able to find that hope in having people here who understand.

 

[Rational man]

Its.easy to say that living in the current moment is the best place to be because yesterday and tomorrow is like living in hell. You cant change the past and tomorrow is uncertain. ive done my fair share of endlessly worrying and it achieves nothing but awful anxiety. Be KIND to YOU.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. I can imagine that what you are going through must be unbearable. This life scares me as well, I just want to escape from it all, I want to peacefully pass away. Having dread for the future is awful, the only thing that gives me relief is the thought that it will all end someday. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[nowayout*]

I am so obsessed by suicidality and extreme worrying. I am worrying almost with no break. If one problem is solved I am ruminating about the next one. This is so horrible. I just wish I could reach peace. No more extreme daily sorrows. I just don't know what to do. The situation is so hopeless. There are so many dangers, everything will fall apart in the future. This is all a house of cards. I am so scared what is coming next. Life can be so torturous and it is always so cynical. The joke is always on me. I am pretty convinced there is no solution for me. There is like really really tiny hope to find a solution for my problems. But the other catastrophic outcomes are so much more likely. I am feeling physically sick when I think about all of this. I am stil fighting this fight. But I see I am always the butt of the joke.

I am not sure I try to escape from this or that pain but by doing that I fuck up other parts of my life. I am so desperate. I feel once again guilty for using this forum. They treat us like demons in this place. We would be purely evil. I don't want to be called evil. I try to act morally right. I just need this place to vent and to talk about my suicidality. My friends are annoyed by it because I am always repeating myself. I have every day A LOT of suicidal thoughts (many hours). Way too much in order to cope with it in a healthy manner. Everyday I am telling myself I know it will end with my suicide. There is no way to escape it. I try to cling to the remaining tiny hope. And it helps sometimes. But damn I just don't know what to do. I feel like I need this place. I don't know how I managed my suicidality without talking about it in this place. It is such a long tim ago I joined. I always returned when I tried to quit. And always during the time I quitted I felt horrible. Way more desperate than during the time when I talked about my suffering. I just feel so lonely without this website. There are so many experiences you only know when you are (severely) suicidal.
My therapists or the people from my self-help often don't get it either.

Thinking so much about suicide is so absurd. You imagine your own death so often and still these are only thoughts. It is so unreal that you are in this situation. You ask yourself what have I done wrong so that this shit happened. I can perfectly analyze the situation. I can say which behaviors triggered my traumatas but I cannot really win against my illness. My illness determines my own life fully. I am just very ill on a high level. I have so many problems and mental issues. I am always glad when I make it through the day. But the future will contain A LOT of pain. It is so absurd but the worst is yet to come. And damn it is true there is no real rock bottom. And this shit scares the fuck out of me. There is always a worse to a situation.. With my luck there will happen horrible and nightmarish stuff like in the past.

I felt.this whole post I feel like this everyday.

 

[summertimestars4]

i can relate, i have been a huge worrier from the time i was a young child and it's awful living in a sea of endless worries. it continues for me to this day, always anticipating and worrying about the next thing to crash on my head, and even if it doesn't happen or i solve that problem i'm worried about the next problem. i have had my share of catastrophic nightmares coming true, so maybe that's where mine has stemmed from, always expecting the worst. i just wish life wasn't so hard and i could find peace. i hope you find peace from the worry, too.

 

[ameliacecelia]

Are you on any medications? Some may cause a preoccupation with suicidal ideation. If not, it sounds like you may have an anxiety disorder (if you want to avoid benzos, beta blockers like propronalol can help block some of the physical effects of anxiety) or possibly OCD. It sounds more like you have an uncontrollable preoccupation with suicide rather than a desire to die. I hope you get some treatment and are able to get some relief.

 

[FindingPeace8]

Weirdly enough, I'm worrying less lately. I've been a chronic worrier my whole life (for good reason). But lately something seems to have finally shifted. Instead of worrying I've become obsessed over SI and the thought of finally accepting having a choice makes me feel better in that aspect.