FireFox
Enlightened
- Apr 8, 2020
- 1,744
I am 26 and plan to kill myself at 30 because I do not want to see another decade anymore. All my life I have struggled to fit in. I was born in the UK and grew up in the UK but having parents from a different culture and spending my teens travelling back and forth to my parents home country gave me a sense of being an outsider in my own family. I hated spending forced family gatherings aboard as a teen because it was pure hell spending time with relatives even those my own age having nothing in common with in addition my relatives being terrible people doesn't help either. It was so clear growing up that my older relatives looked down upon me for not speaking the home language( never interested), not enjoying the foods and then of course gossiping and laughing about how "crazy" I am. One relative who I trusted with my secrets ended up gossiping about me with the entire family and that is how I was seen as freak of the family who needed to see some witch doctor to be "fixed" meanwhile the male abusers of the family don't even get this kind of harassment to see witch doctors. Witch doctors in Africa are not medical professionals and the methods they use are known to mess up people completely I have seen it happen to people. At school I was regularly builled for being the werid crazy girl and I fought back against the people bullying me. At university I lost my close friends in my law class when i told them I was suicidal and final year of university was quite lonely as a result as they stopped talking to me at university and avoided me.
Growing up I always felt unwanted and unloved by my relatives because they all knew my mum was struggling as a single mother when she had me and NONE of them cared even the wealthy ones didnt care but these relatives still the demand the "right" to see me and ask for money from relatives living in western countries. As a teen learning my biological father was living in a nearby neighbourhood with his new family he left us for I always questioned what was it about that family which better than ours? As a result of my father's abandonment I feel am not good enough for any man's love and that I am something broken and unlovable. I struggled to fit in throughout my life. I seethe world differently to most people. Lockdown made me want to see more of the world and not be stuck at home but no one around me shares that outlook. I ask people my age that I grew up with and whenever I ask about what they are doing the same answer is work and go to church on Sunday. I go out to places all by myself it is hurts how I have no man by side to share it with.
All my life I have known male rejection while everyone else got to find to love. For me seeing people I grew up with getting married has further worsened my depression as it is a reminder of my failure to get it right. I am scared of turning 30 and single which is why I want to die. My 20s have been a mess. Being suicidal since 21,spending 20s in lockdown, dealing with awful relatives, string of heartbreaks, getting fired at 25 and struggling to be a real functional mature adult has finally made me realise I don't belong here in this world and life is not for me. It never was. I finally can't cope anymore. I really wanted to live, be happy, be loved by a man and at peace but it was clear I was born in the wrong world. If life was for me I wouldn't have all these problems and feelings that I have. Some of us are not made for me living but i am one of those people.
Growing up I always felt unwanted and unloved by my relatives because they all knew my mum was struggling as a single mother when she had me and NONE of them cared even the wealthy ones didnt care but these relatives still the demand the "right" to see me and ask for money from relatives living in western countries. As a teen learning my biological father was living in a nearby neighbourhood with his new family he left us for I always questioned what was it about that family which better than ours? As a result of my father's abandonment I feel am not good enough for any man's love and that I am something broken and unlovable. I struggled to fit in throughout my life. I seethe world differently to most people. Lockdown made me want to see more of the world and not be stuck at home but no one around me shares that outlook. I ask people my age that I grew up with and whenever I ask about what they are doing the same answer is work and go to church on Sunday. I go out to places all by myself it is hurts how I have no man by side to share it with.
All my life I have known male rejection while everyone else got to find to love. For me seeing people I grew up with getting married has further worsened my depression as it is a reminder of my failure to get it right. I am scared of turning 30 and single which is why I want to die. My 20s have been a mess. Being suicidal since 21,spending 20s in lockdown, dealing with awful relatives, string of heartbreaks, getting fired at 25 and struggling to be a real functional mature adult has finally made me realise I don't belong here in this world and life is not for me. It never was. I finally can't cope anymore. I really wanted to live, be happy, be loved by a man and at peace but it was clear I was born in the wrong world. If life was for me I wouldn't have all these problems and feelings that I have. Some of us are not made for me living but i am one of those people.
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