I want to die so bad. I know every suicidal cringe teen says this but it is true, there is nothing to live for in my life. I am fat, I am ugly, I am friendless, my family is either dead or hates me, my pets are dying soon, school is unbelievably hard, any partnership I can find is based on sex, and my job is shit. In fact it's even worse because I am in my dream profession, and I still hate it.
I feel like to CTB I need to do a few things first. I would really like my parents to die first as I know my mother would hate me even more, and it would probably make my dad die if I committed suicide while he is sick right now. I would also like to be at my goal weight. A good way to CTB would be to starve myself to death. The final issue would be the families and finishing my school. While I hate school and I hate my job, I have a bunch of dead people's families who I still need to help. I would hate to toss all of this extra work onto my colleagues. I also want to see one of my colleagues get fired.
I guess another family issue would be my sister, I only like my sister and she is too young to take care of herself. I also don't want to die old, I'm 19 now if I wait for her to be old enough and wait for my dad to die I would be at least 23.
My boyfriend and my life with him is another thing to consider. All in all he is perfect, I love him so much, at the same time I just cannot trust him. He lies all of the time and I just can't stand it yk? He lies about how I look, how he doesn't mind that I hate myself, how he will always be there for me.
I think the solution to all of these problems is to die in a way where I am unidentifiable. I would love that. Completely rotted, green, flesh sloughing away from the bone, maggots festering inside of me, becoming inhuman. Lying alone in a cooling facility at the medical examiners, ready to be sent to a funeral home far away. Eventually buried in a government funded grave, unmarked, and forgotten.
I fantasize about this most often on the drives to my future home. Sitting passenger side in a makeshift hearse (they're called coaches now, but it's still just a dodge grand carivan with a sticker on the side). I watch the cars pass us in annoyance, I get blinded by the flashing purple lights, I reside as we pass the thousands of trees. It is not a special drive, everyone is always disrespectful, and our passenger is hitting the trunk. Eventually at grave side it is always the Lord's Prayer, or some stupid thing about how 'we were the last ones to say goodbye to you' it's always dumb. It makes you feel better about essentially aiding in forgetting about this person. For every person who I've buried, embalmed, or cremated and you have had no family and were government property I want to scream your name. I remember your tattoos. I remember how your wrinkles folded. I remember your name. It's sad I'll take them with me.
This is kinda just a vent but yea, thank you if you read this.
I feel like to CTB I need to do a few things first. I would really like my parents to die first as I know my mother would hate me even more, and it would probably make my dad die if I committed suicide while he is sick right now. I would also like to be at my goal weight. A good way to CTB would be to starve myself to death. The final issue would be the families and finishing my school. While I hate school and I hate my job, I have a bunch of dead people's families who I still need to help. I would hate to toss all of this extra work onto my colleagues. I also want to see one of my colleagues get fired.
I guess another family issue would be my sister, I only like my sister and she is too young to take care of herself. I also don't want to die old, I'm 19 now if I wait for her to be old enough and wait for my dad to die I would be at least 23.
My boyfriend and my life with him is another thing to consider. All in all he is perfect, I love him so much, at the same time I just cannot trust him. He lies all of the time and I just can't stand it yk? He lies about how I look, how he doesn't mind that I hate myself, how he will always be there for me.
I think the solution to all of these problems is to die in a way where I am unidentifiable. I would love that. Completely rotted, green, flesh sloughing away from the bone, maggots festering inside of me, becoming inhuman. Lying alone in a cooling facility at the medical examiners, ready to be sent to a funeral home far away. Eventually buried in a government funded grave, unmarked, and forgotten.
I fantasize about this most often on the drives to my future home. Sitting passenger side in a makeshift hearse (they're called coaches now, but it's still just a dodge grand carivan with a sticker on the side). I watch the cars pass us in annoyance, I get blinded by the flashing purple lights, I reside as we pass the thousands of trees. It is not a special drive, everyone is always disrespectful, and our passenger is hitting the trunk. Eventually at grave side it is always the Lord's Prayer, or some stupid thing about how 'we were the last ones to say goodbye to you' it's always dumb. It makes you feel better about essentially aiding in forgetting about this person. For every person who I've buried, embalmed, or cremated and you have had no family and were government property I want to scream your name. I remember your tattoos. I remember how your wrinkles folded. I remember your name. It's sad I'll take them with me.
This is kinda just a vent but yea, thank you if you read this.
