LonelyStarrySky
they/them, menhera
- Oct 27, 2023
- 78
Honestly I don't know if I am willing to endure this anymore, this winter specifically has just been the living hell for me, not like the rest of my life was any better in comparison but still.... I have been getting more and more mentally unstable by the day, I am just becoming really incapable of performing daily tasks anymore, everything really hurts every day. I am just really emotionally unstable and just a sad person who can't really have normal life and I guess that is something that I have realised years ago but now I am just being proven right by how everything turned out, and it was even worse than I could have ever expected.
I have determined that no future awaits me, nothing worth for me to live for, that realisation is more certain by the day, and nothing has really changed apart from an occassional glimer of hope I had that died out once I realised its just out of my reach and nothing I do will ever achieve that life I so craved. I guess those are just delusions in my mind making me think that I have something to live for when I reality I don't.
I regret not taking my shot this winter but that was just because I met this person who I really believed in and got attached to and turns out this person was also going to break my heart in maybe the worst way they could. I seriosly have no idea how relationships work, I have stopped talking to normies in hopes people like me would relate to me more and in turn like me more and I thought I could get closer to somebody and have friends and also date somebody which is important to me.
But people don't want somebody who actually cares about them and gives them attention and is loyal. I genuenly lost any empathy I had for anyone and I won't be nice anymore. I just asked to be given attention to and actually be cared for and I am just really insecure and always feel like I am being abandoned, like I wasn't asking for much and I am always giving so much to others and just being there for others when they need emotional support but when I need to talk to somebody everyone is always busy with something. Like I am tired of being a fucking doormat and letting everyone walk all over me and use me for their own benefit and then promtly dispose of me once they are done using me.
So fucking tired, I was considering buying myself a dagger to carry around me while I am going outside just because I was getting so paranoid and just always feel on edge whenever I need to be outside with people. I just can't trust anybody anymore.
As such my future seems meaningless and I just have no will to continue this life anymore. I don't want to suffer and if I am just predisposed to being the one who is always left out of any social interaction no matter how much I try then I just guess I will be ending my meaingless suffering that I never asked for. I don't have any capacity in any other spheres of this life either, and at this point I am too tired to even try anything. I will try to enter university but its just becoming tiring as well to me my plan is if I don't get into any univeristy this year I will just end it all once and for all. I hope once I enter I will be granted 2-3 years to rethink my life during which I am expecting to suffer and will be driven even more crazy and self-destructive than I already am because that is the nature of my life.
At least I plan on visiting a psychologist once when I am there but I doubt that it will just work since they will just 'fix' my problem by prescribing me pills or something like that. Do I really want to be one of those sad slobs on meds dragging along my entire life never truly fullfilled or anything. Happiness is the exception in this world rather than the norm. It really feels sad to be dependened on those things tbh. So instead of living like this I will just end my suffering so I don't have to experience that existance.
Instead I will take this time to live for one last time and have my unhappy and unfullfilling life while I still can idk what I am doing at this point and live until I am ready to end it for sure. This is the best case scenario I end up living 3 more years which is hardly possible in my current state of mind. I might end up doing it the next winter or the next one after that. But I just am really desperate to find love that I am just going to get even more heartbroken by people and that sucks. At least I have my method in my bag now, its hanging I think its pretty solid but I can get my hands on another method just as a backup method if things get hard.
I have determined that no future awaits me, nothing worth for me to live for, that realisation is more certain by the day, and nothing has really changed apart from an occassional glimer of hope I had that died out once I realised its just out of my reach and nothing I do will ever achieve that life I so craved. I guess those are just delusions in my mind making me think that I have something to live for when I reality I don't.
I regret not taking my shot this winter but that was just because I met this person who I really believed in and got attached to and turns out this person was also going to break my heart in maybe the worst way they could. I seriosly have no idea how relationships work, I have stopped talking to normies in hopes people like me would relate to me more and in turn like me more and I thought I could get closer to somebody and have friends and also date somebody which is important to me.
But people don't want somebody who actually cares about them and gives them attention and is loyal. I genuenly lost any empathy I had for anyone and I won't be nice anymore. I just asked to be given attention to and actually be cared for and I am just really insecure and always feel like I am being abandoned, like I wasn't asking for much and I am always giving so much to others and just being there for others when they need emotional support but when I need to talk to somebody everyone is always busy with something. Like I am tired of being a fucking doormat and letting everyone walk all over me and use me for their own benefit and then promtly dispose of me once they are done using me.
So fucking tired, I was considering buying myself a dagger to carry around me while I am going outside just because I was getting so paranoid and just always feel on edge whenever I need to be outside with people. I just can't trust anybody anymore.
As such my future seems meaningless and I just have no will to continue this life anymore. I don't want to suffer and if I am just predisposed to being the one who is always left out of any social interaction no matter how much I try then I just guess I will be ending my meaingless suffering that I never asked for. I don't have any capacity in any other spheres of this life either, and at this point I am too tired to even try anything. I will try to enter university but its just becoming tiring as well to me my plan is if I don't get into any univeristy this year I will just end it all once and for all. I hope once I enter I will be granted 2-3 years to rethink my life during which I am expecting to suffer and will be driven even more crazy and self-destructive than I already am because that is the nature of my life.
At least I plan on visiting a psychologist once when I am there but I doubt that it will just work since they will just 'fix' my problem by prescribing me pills or something like that. Do I really want to be one of those sad slobs on meds dragging along my entire life never truly fullfilled or anything. Happiness is the exception in this world rather than the norm. It really feels sad to be dependened on those things tbh. So instead of living like this I will just end my suffering so I don't have to experience that existance.
Instead I will take this time to live for one last time and have my unhappy and unfullfilling life while I still can idk what I am doing at this point and live until I am ready to end it for sure. This is the best case scenario I end up living 3 more years which is hardly possible in my current state of mind. I might end up doing it the next winter or the next one after that. But I just am really desperate to find love that I am just going to get even more heartbroken by people and that sucks. At least I have my method in my bag now, its hanging I think its pretty solid but I can get my hands on another method just as a backup method if things get hard.
