I have genuinely tried to survive and live, yet I hate it

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

This listless, painful, drudging, prison sentence of an existence has got to end. I am trying my best to keep up the charade and I don't want to anymore.

My brain feels like it's melting due to CFS. I have to keep up the illusion that I am dedicated to my studies, but I am progressively becoming slower and more malaised when it comes to my cognitive abilities. I am just not up to par with these healthy teenagers and others in their early twenties who are practically invincible and at their peak physically and mentally.

I fucking hate it. Nobody understands. They think I am being dramatic, lazy, unmotivated, or attention seeking whenever I tell them that my conditions have made my mind less sharp. As I've mentioned before, I've taken practically every medication that one can try and nothing has helped, even extremely potent stimulants. My body, my brain, my limbs and even my very soul feel like dead weight.

Yesterday I was trying to get some university coursework done and I got stuck on the same question for over an hour because I am constantly in a haze. I would keep trying to read articles and texts and it would all be a blur in my mind, I kept getting confused and made an erroneous miscalculation because I am just too sick to be doing this, yet no one accepts it. I have already had to give up my dreams of being a scientist and now I must bear the burden of bodily decay.

This happens all the time. My efforts only serve to frustrate me at this point, due to my disabled body. I don't want to live like this. I hate it. But I am forced to endure this suffering to experience a life that isn't beautiful, fulfilling, or peaceful in the slightest. No one thinks I try to hold out, only accusations of mental illness and weakness get thrown my way. They can't read my mind and see that I am thinking about ctb every single goddamn day due to the intense pain I am crippled with for the rest of my life.

My partner is forcing me to interact with the medical system again, although it will be under my own terms. Why is he pushing this? He genuinely thinks there is a solution when it's obvious that's wistful thinking considering my level of decline. I know for a fact that none of those doctors can help me and that they are likely going to gaslight and hurt me again. Why should I live just to have the "privledge" of partaking in this piss take of an exchange?

I wish that people could fathom how much agony I am in, or be able to see it from this perspective. Picture a doll. The stringy tufts of hair ensconsing the cloth scalp begin to unfurl, one by one. You can easily fix this deformity with a bit of yarn. Suddenly, one of doll's limbs has popped out of socket.

No problem, with a couple little twists and a pop, you've put the problem to rest for awhile, until wear and tear eventually sends the doll's extremities flying off again. At first, these are minor annoyances that you can live with, it is no bother to fix a loose arm every once in awhile.

Then, as time passes, the damages only accumulate. The doll's eyes have lost their shine and need a new coat of paint. The acrylic has been tarnished. Another limb has fallen off, and this time, a finger has broken alongside it. You can keep trying to repair the doll, desperately attempting to piece it back together bit by bit, but there comes a point where it can no longer be salvaged. I believe this happens to people too, when we are forced to tolerate a multitude of health problems and disabilities that erroneously wear us down.

I do try to hold on, but I've been kicked to the edge of the cliffside by my broken body, unable to find any more stable ground to cling to. There are only pebbles that cascade down the altitude. I am like the doll, too broken to be fixed. I am beyond repair.

So do not ask to try and mend me any further, for I know it is my time to be discarded like any other toy that has gotten its use. I tried to keep going, and there is no hope left on the horizon for which I could trudge to.

 

[WornOutLife]

I tried to keep going, and there is no hope left on the horizon for which I could trudge to.

I know you've tried, dear. You've certainly done your best to struggle with this weird thing called "life" on this blue rock.
Sometimes, fighting is exhausting and we end up with no energy left.

Send you lots of good vibes, hugs and peace!

 

[FuneralCry]

I feel the same way. I am 20 and have been burdened with chronic health issues which just make me want to end it. I have been depressed my whole life and this has made it worse. I desire to escape never ending suffering.
I hope you find peace.

 

[lostundead]

I know all too well what youre talking about. Losing your intelligence/cognitive abilities is by far the most gruesome and scary part of the "CFS-experience". I'm 21 years old and have had this illness for less than 2 years and I can hardly read more than 10 pages a day. Tommorow will be my last attempt at trying to get a doctor to listen, if he doesnt, his name is going in my death no- *ahem* I meant suicide note.

I appreciated your posts alot over these past months. Best of luck and a peacful journy to you, and everyone else reading this.

 

[Breakout92]

I sometimes read your posts and wonder if i also have been suffering from CFS, just undiagnosed. I can relate too well.

 

[GarageKarate07]

This listless, painful, drudging, prison sentence of an existence has got to end. I am trying my best to keep up the charade and I don't want to anymore.

My brain feels like it's melting due to CFS. I have to keep up the illusion that I am dedicated to my studies, but I am progressively becoming slower and more malaised when it comes to my cognitive abilities. I am just not up to par with these healthy teenagers and others in their early twenties who are practically invincible and at their peak physically and mentally.

I fucking hate it. Nobody understands. They think I am being dramatic, lazy, unmotivated, or attention seeking whenever I tell them that my conditions have made my mind less sharp. As I've mentioned before, I've taken practically every medication that one can try and nothing has helped, even extremely potent stimulants. My body, my brain, my limbs and even my very soul feel like dead weight.

Yesterday I was trying to get some university coursework done and I got stuck on the same question for over an hour because I am constantly in a haze. I would keep trying to read articles and texts and it would all be a blur in my mind, I kept getting confused and made an erroneous miscalculation because I am just too sick to be doing this, yet no one accepts it. I have already had to give up my dreams of being a scientist and now I must bear the burden of bodily decay.

This happens all the time. My efforts only serve to frustrate me at this point, due to my disabled body. I don't want to live like this. I hate it. But I am forced to endure this suffering to experience a life that isn't beautiful, fulfilling, or peaceful in the slightest. No one thinks I try to hold out, only accusations of mental illness and weakness get thrown my way. They can't read my mind and see that I am thinking about ctb every single goddamn day due to the intense pain I am crippled with for the rest of my life.

My partner is forcing me to interact with the medical system again, although it will be under my own terms. Why is he pushing this? He genuinely thinks there is a solution when it's obvious that's wistful thinking considering my level of decline. I know for a fact that none of those doctors can help me and that they are likely going to gaslight and hurt me again. Why should I live just to have the "privledge" of partaking in this piss take of an exchange?

I wish that people could fathom how much agony I am in, or be able to see it from this perspective. Picture a doll. The stringy tufts of hair ensconsing the cloth scalp begin to unfurl, one by one. You can easily fix this deformity with a bit of yarn. Suddenly, one of doll's limbs has popped out of socket.

No problem, with a couple little twists and a pop, you've put the problem to rest for awhile, until wear and tear eventually sends the doll's extremities flying off again. At first, these are minor annoyances that you can live with, it is no bother to fix a loose arm every once in awhile.

Then, as time passes, the damages only accumulate. The doll's eyes have lost their shine and need a new coat of paint. The acrylic has been tarnished. Another limb has fallen off, and this time, a finger has broken alongside it. You can keep trying to repair the doll, desperately attempting to piece it back together bit by bit, but there comes a point where it can no longer be salvaged. I believe this happens to people too, when we are forced to tolerate a multitude of health problems and disabilities that erroneously wear us down.

I do try to hold on, but I've been kicked to the edge of the cliffside by my broken body, unable to find any more stable ground to cling to. There are only pebbles that cascade down the altitude. I am like the doll, too broken to be fixed. I am beyond repair.

So do not ask to try and mend me any further, for I know it is my time to be discarded like any other toy that has gotten its use. I tried to keep going, and there is no hope left on the horizon for which I could trudge to.

Are you still here? Your icon is on. Cfs is chronic fatigue? What Are your conditions besides brain fog, lack of mental sharpness? I have a severe brain fog and I cant make rational desicions any more. This is why im asking.

 

[LastFlowers]

I definitely relate to the doll concept, a little too literally. My physical self was in poor form to begin with, and has since been hacked and riddled with new and fluke issues, all combining with stress and lack of sleep to cause expedited deterioration that a person (especially one my age) should not have to experience. The mental distress is but a symptom.
I know, like you, when too much damage has been done and enough is enough.
Time itself has also been lost and so many opportunities are now gone forever, for me to have hope now would be pure delusion. The only hope I allow is such for a successful suicide, and even that is middling.

I have researched my predicaments until my eyes have bled, I have had my feet stuck in the same place while my mind has spun out of control trying to figure out how to get this flesh prison moving and its issues resolved. It's no use, things continue to get worse while I witness other's lives get better and better.
I have been treated as 'less than' most of my life and now I have to have the "better thans' rub it in my face on top of it...and still complain about their bullshit while people like me rot in a standstill.
I can't even pretend to hide my woes or put on much of an act, because a lot of my issues are visible and I have been neglected and treated poorly because of that- to the point of having to retreat into isolation and stray away from the path that would have led to my dreams..far too many stones being thrown and obstacles a suffering person simply cannot manage.

In my experience, it seems even things right in front of someone's face can be dismissed and trivialized, so to have an "invisible" illness can't be much better in that regard. I'm sorry for that.
Though I do envy your continuation of your studies, something I took pride in myself when I was younger, but was unable to complete what I consider even the basic level of education, in order to move on to higher learning and a career, etc.
I guess it doesn't mean much when you can't function during the process of learning, I know that all too well..but I do sometimes wish I didn't have quite so many things stolen and starved of me, if only my situation would have allowed for a little wiggle room, but alas, it did not.

My existence basically consists of a nightmarish domino effect where something shitty leads to something even shittier and so on and so forth.
Lots of damage and trauma built up over time, with no good or respite to dilute it. This sounds like what's happening to you, you can't keep addressing and attempting to fix things when they're always going wrong and piling up on eachother, it's like you are suffocating beneath the burden and the people around you want you to take your breaths from a straw and call yourself cured. But at the end of the day, there is no life without quality of life and those who haven't been through another person's specific circumstances, cannot possibly understand no matter how hard they try..and the thing is, most people don't even do that much (try).

You are obviously far from a mindless idiot, so those relative to you should really take your persevering intelligence into consideration before recklessly attributing your situation to false causes. You know yourself and the outlook, an individual can usually determine their own odds in this world when they are still logical, rational, and a realist about what tortures them.
Pain does tend to have its own logic, but sometimes it's the correct one, and the only one we are allowed to comprehend, while others look at us like we are insane because they just can't grasp what has not yet touched them (and probably never will). I wish I had some helpful advice but getting through to others is something I have failed at, again and again, over the past decade, and certainly not for a lack of trying. At this point, there is no point, and I'm just done. Exhausted.

 

[ScaredToLive]

Sounds like you've tried way harder than me and that's to very much admired in really tough circumstances. You should be proud of yourself for that

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

They think I am being dramatic, lazy, unmotivated, or attention seeking whenever I tell them that my conditions have made my mind less sharp

No one thinks I try to hold out, only accusations of mental illness and weakness get thrown my way.

Nothing is more frustrating than having your feelings invalidated, then getting a plethora of platitudes shoved down your throat. Here, we are very hush-hush about mental illness and despite efforts to increase mental health awareness, I believe there are still some who think depression is not a real disease. Given our culture of 'faking it till you make it', I have often been told not to think of myself as a 'sick person'. Yes, even if I (a) have a chronic condition that flares up at the most inconvenient of times and (b) tend to be socially awkward around my more extroverted peers. Needless to say, this traps me in a vicious cycle of doubt and guilt where you 'feel bad about feeling bad'. God forbid anyone asking me about my (nonexistent) long-term plans.

@KuriGohan&Kamehameha Your doll analogy is spot on. Reminds me of our old car which we pulled the plug on and laid to rest at a scrapyard, after countless attempts to 'resuscitate' it, component by component. When I had my worst flare-ups, I was taken on a 'doctor-shopping' tour of alternative treatments for arthritis but nevertheless, being turned into a human pincushion did little to relieve my aching, swollen joints.

I have come to a point where, whenever the slightest difficulty arises, offing myself comes to mind as the No. 1 solution. As @ScaredToLive has mentioned, you have been through more than I have and I admire you greatly. From the other side of the world, I send you my best wishes and whatever path you choose, I wish you peace.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Are you still here? Your icon is on. Cfs is chronic fatigue? What Are your conditions besides brain fog, lack of mental sharpness? I have a severe brain fog and I cant make rational desicions any more. This is why im asking.

Sorry, I had fallen asleep last night and left my browser open, I'm dumb sometimes.

I guess the main thing for me is the never ending fatigue and the neurological symptoms that accompany it. The tiredness never goes away, no matter how much I sleep. Usually if it has lasted more than 6 months you've had a viral trigger (such as EPV, flu, and other diseases) and tests have come back negative for everything else it's a pretty strong sign you've got CFS.

One of the defining symptoms of CFS though is post exercise malaise/feeling really exhausted after any sort of exertion. This is why exercise regimines and physiotherapy are typically damaging for people with CFS, we just don't have the capacity to do these things without further injuring ourselves. Post exercise malaise sets it apart from pretty much every other illness with similar, non specific symptoms.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk more about this, I'm happy to help <3

 

[GarageKarate07]

Sorry, I had fallen asleep last night and left my browser open, I'm dumb sometimes.

I guess the main thing for me is the never ending fatigue and the neurological symptoms that accompany it. The tiredness never goes away, no matter how much I sleep. Usually if it has lasted more than 6 months you've had a viral trigger (such as EPV, flu, and other diseases) and tests have come back negative for everything else it's a pretty strong sign you've got CFS.

One of the defining symptoms of CFS though is post exercise malaise/feeling really exhausted after any sort of exertion. This is why exercise regimines and physiotherapy are typically damaging for people with CFS, we just don't have the capacity to do these things without further injuring ourselves. Post exercise malaise sets it apart from pretty much every other illness with similar, non specific symptoms.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk more about this, I'm happy to help <3

Ok. I was mostly just curious and for you/us sometimes its just really good to share and get it off our chests.