I have everything I need to ctb with sn, but now I'm stalling. Will it ever feel like the "right time"?

[anon789]

I have the works - sn, meto, propranolol, benzos, notes to family drafted, and a scheduled email to police drafted (so they can be the ones to find my body and not my roommates). I even have all these supplies in a box and organized in labelled bags and a direction sheet to follow hour by hour for the day I'm going to ctb (fasting timing, when to take each med, amounts, etc). All this to say, I have this shit planned to a t.

What I thought was the hard part (sourcing) is over and now I'm left with actually doing it. But every time I set a date, I find something that needs to be done (assignments, errands, work, etc) and then I postpone it. It's like I'm procrastinating. Logically I shouldn't care about these things but I do. And I keep on living.

It's like I have a crush on death and I'm writing its name all over my notebook like a flirty teenage girl, but I just won't make the move. I think I'm scared to make the wrong decision, but then again, death is so alluring because I can't regret it once I'm gone.

So I wanted to ask from your guys' perspective, is procrastinating my death really a will to live? If not, why the fuck else am gathering all this shit and preparing? Will there ever feel like there is a right time?

 

[willitpass]

If you are stalling it's not time. Very rarely is there such a pressing matter that you have no choice but to CTB by a certain date. If you mind is making excuses to not die then it's not time to die. Your mind is telling you to stay alive right now. The option for death will always be there while you are alive. The option to live when you are already dead will not.

 

[SadTitan]

I have the works - sn, meto, propranolol, benzos, notes to family drafted, and a scheduled email to police drafted (so they can be the ones to find my body and not my roommates). I even have all these supplies in a box and organized in labelled bags and a direction sheet to follow hour by hour for the day I'm going to ctb (fasting timing, when to take each med, amounts, etc). All this to say, I have this shit planned to a t.

What I thought was the hard part (sourcing) is over and now I'm left with actually doing it. But every time I set a date, I find something that needs to be done (assignments, errands, work, etc) and then I postpone it. It's like I'm procrastinating. Logically I shouldn't care about these things but I do. And I keep on living.

It's like I have a crush on death and I'm writing its name all over my notebook like a flirty teenage girl, but I just won't make the move. I think I'm scared to make the wrong decision, but then again, death is so alluring because I can't regret it once I'm gone.

So I wanted to ask from your guys' perspective, is procrastinating my death really a will to live? If not, why the fuck else am gathering all this shit and preparing? Will there ever feel like there is a right time?

Would you mind sharing your instructions? I'd like to take inspiration. All I know is fasting, antiemetics, and acid regulators. If there's more I should take into account please let me know.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Truthfully If you're waiting for the "right feeling" it may never come. There will always be something to postpone for. This is assuming you don't actually have any doubts that it's the right thing to do. That's why I'm trying to treat it in a clinical manner, as just some unpleasant task that needs to be seen to.

 

[uzuf86]

You don't have to rush it. You need a reason as strong as titanium to commit ctb. It is your life after all.Try to see if you can still fix things in your life and move forward. Try to see if there is still a path to happiness. It can look completely new but at the same time be a good reason why you should not ctb

 

[thewalkingdread]

is procrastinating my death really a will to live?

Not necessarily.

For instance: On a mental, logical, level I know that I don't want to keep living and that nothing makes any sense to me. Continuing living is just point blank pointless.

But on an emotional level things aren't that... easily determined and clear cut. Emotions and feelings aren't as easy to control and it's hard to make them work with the logical part of our minds.

One may feel relieved at the thought that he will be free from all the torment and suffering once he dies. But, at the same time, one might also feel devastated about losing a fond, cherished, memory with it... Therefore, an internal conflict arises. And, with it, paralysis, procrastinating, reluctance, etc.

So... In my opinion, the hardest thing to do is to let go of absolutely EVERYTHING. The hardest thing to do is to break free from all the inherent, complex, multitude of internal emotional forces working against one committing one's final act.

We all know that this will be the last time there will be a spotlight shinning upon the stage... And that the impending darkness is frightening. It's just really hard to accept It.

 

[sukiduki]

i think when you are truly ready for it, you'll know. but it's still likely gonna be scary. idk, hoping you find your peace one way or another :)

 

[Csmith8827]

It's just really hard to accept It.

Bingo. Death is the big unknown. We may disappear forever. I've had SN in the past but I never got the chance to use it. Covid broke out and I had moved to Vegas chasing money via clinical research trials. I had to throw mine away to be able to get on the plane home because they don't allow poisons onboard and security screens for them. I was supposed to go to a campsite in Los Angeles, California eventually and do it under the stars listening to a playlist. You just gotta get in the right mindset and have your mind made up. Whether the driving force is emotional, situational, etc...try and have a propeller to slingshot you through it if that makes sense. You only have to hang on for 30minutes, if that, and then you're gone. Like I had the perfect song and motive/reason...it just didn't work out the way I wanted due to covid and now I'm kinda trapped. If that hadn't of happened I may have been able to ctb. I understand your fear but at the same time...be brave and push through it if that's what you really want. Good luck.

 

[UKscotty]

Be gentle on yourself, it's not stalling.

Remember that despite how some frame it up, suicide is literally the last resort. Until you are ready there is no rush.

Too many people set themselves deadlines and times to CTB. In practice 99% of people can't even commit to starting a diet next week, let alone killing themselves.

 

[J&L383]

Take a deep breath and pause. If it was easy and simple and clear, well, none of us would be here. Death is finite (setting aside any kind of afterlife), living has possibilities. But death will ultimately come for all of us. Do I want to go out on my terms or let fate decide? I personally like holding the keys and the power, but when and why and how, those are all difficult decisions and unfortunately tough decisions have never been my strong point. .

 

[Unsure and alone]

It's okay if it is a will to live.
Either way you choose.
it sounds like you need more time to be sure of your choice.

 

[inutil]

sn, meto, propranolol, benzos

There will never be the right time, your mind will always want to keep you alive, there will always be something to resolve.
There will always be that fear that freezes you.
Do you intend to do it with propranolol?

Would you mind sharing your instructions? I'd like to take inspiration. All I know is fasting, antiemetics, and acid regulators. If there's more I should take into account please let me know.

I researched a lot about propranolol and came up with this plan, 6 boxes with 30 tablets of 80 mg of propranolol which would be 14.4 grams,
Metoclopramide 10 mg every 7-8 hours, starting at least 36 hours before the cocktail.
I also have two boxes of diazepam and a box of flunitrazepam, I intend to prepare with the ae, at the end of the preparation I would take propranolol and some flunitrazepam tablets, from the sources I researched it would take between 6 and 8 hours to take effect, but That wouldn't be a problem for me, I have plenty of time.
Any suggestion? It should work, right?

 

[homesoon.]

I have the works - sn, meto, propranolol, benzos, notes to family drafted, and a scheduled email to police drafted (so they can be the ones to find my body and not my roommates). I even have all these supplies in a box and organized in labelled bags and a direction sheet to follow hour by hour for the day I'm going to ctb (fasting timing, when to take each med, amounts, etc). All this to say, I have this shit planned to a t.

What I thought was the hard part (sourcing) is over and now I'm left with actually doing it. But every time I set a date, I find something that needs to be done (assignments, errands, work, etc) and then I postpone it. It's like I'm procrastinating. Logically I shouldn't care about these things but I do. And I keep on living.

It's like I have a crush on death and I'm writing its name all over my notebook like a flirty teenage girl, but I just won't make the move. I think I'm scared to make the wrong decision, but then again, death is so alluring because I can't regret it once I'm gone.

So I wanted to ask from your guys' perspective, is procrastinating my death really a will to live? If not, why the fuck else am gathering all this shit and preparing? Will there ever feel like there is a right time?

I'm going through the same thing. I wrote letters that I plan on rewriting, changed my life insurance policy, and so on. I have a lock box ready to go, just need a few more things (meto, benzo, would like a beta blocker to help with fast heart rate because I'm already an medically-diagnosed-anxiety-riddled person). It brings me comfort to know it's there, but it's difficult not to also have the fear and guilt of actually using it.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

It's like I have a crush on death and I'm writing its name all over my notebook like a flirty teenage girl, but I just won't make the move. I think I'm scared to make the wrong decision, but then again, death is so alluring because I can't regret it once I'm gone.

So I wanted to ask from your guys' perspective, is procrastinating my death really a will to live? If not, why the fuck else am gathering all this shit and preparing? Will there ever feel like there is a right time?

I'm in a very similar situation. Everything was ready, I even had that coveted feeling of "readiness," but still couldn't go through with it. I don't think it's because I have a will to live or because I didn't actually want to die. I think it was just the biological organism that I live in screaming at me "NO DON'T DO IT!" and I couldn't get past that.

To be honest I don't think that voice will ever go away, no matter the circumstances, no matter how ready I am. I think I just have to get to a point where I'm willing to ignore it. It might take a couple false starts I think, but I'm getting there.

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

For some it might never feel like the right time, and yet it is the right or best thing to do regardless (e.g. terminal illness). Best wishes.

 

[AliceTheGoon]

I'm in the same boat, got all the stuff together and didn't do it. I realized at some point that with regard to fasting the best time to do it would be first thing in the morning. And what would happen is I'd go to bed and as morning approached I'd be buried in anxiety. I'd have fitful dreams and wake up in a panic. Then I'd find some reason to not do it and eat breakfast. Then reschedule. Repeat. Finally I said fuck it, I'm not going to plan it. It will happen when it happens or it won't happen.

And I have guns so really I have no excuse for fussing around with the fasting and SN planning, when it's time I should just eat a bullet and be done with it.

Meanwhile my degenerative condition has continued relentlessly and I'm frailer and weaker by the day. Every day I'm alive is another day without closure for people in my life who don't understand what happened to me.

 

[hdahsa]

I echo all of the sentiments mentioned above by the others. There are many reasons which stop you from taking the final step.

I can say this because I am in the same condition. I have everything ready. I can ctb today if I decide to - I have a place where I will not be disturbed for at least 10 hours. But I am not able to take the final step. So I think that maybe I am hoping for something to click to make my life bearable again or I am waiting for that one thing which will push me over the edge.

Don't worry - take comfort in the thought that if nothing works out and if it comes to that time, you are ready with the stuff necessary. When the time comes, I know that I will not hesitate.

 

[inutil]

I've been at this for 10 months, I've gone through these phases, there will always be the desire to live, as soon as the stores open I'll buy the medicines I'm missing, I'll fool myself by saying that it's just to make me sleep and it won't kill myself, the idea of taking something and sleeping pleases me.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

I have the works - sn, meto, propranolol, benzos, notes to family drafted, and a scheduled email to police drafted (so they can be the ones to find my body and not my roommates). I even have all these supplies in a box and organized in labelled bags and a direction sheet to follow hour by hour for the day I'm going to ctb (fasting timing, when to take each med, amounts, etc). All this to say, I have this shit planned to a t.

What I thought was the hard part (sourcing) is over and now I'm left with actually doing it. But every time I set a date, I find something that needs to be done (assignments, errands, work, etc) and then I postpone it. It's like I'm procrastinating. Logically I shouldn't care about these things but I do. And I keep on living.

It's like I have a crush on death and I'm writing its name all over my notebook like a flirty teenage girl, but I just won't make the move. I think I'm scared to make the wrong decision, but then again, death is so alluring because I can't regret it once I'm gone.

So I wanted to ask from your guys' perspective, is procrastinating my death really a will to live? If not, why the fuck else am gathering all this shit and preparing? Will there ever feel like there is a right time?

I think only you can know why. Our survival instinct is incredibly strong. It's just in our dna. We're meant to survive and live on. A lot of suicides are impulsive but I dont have the statistics. You may never be ready... People have put the gun in their mouths and never pulled. Also the fact that you have the supplies to die in your back pocket so to speak is hugely comforting and takes the pressure off. It's lost it's urgency since you now have the supplies and you can control now. Your SI surely has taken a breath. Like you know if it got so bad in the morning you have a literal escape. Doesnt mean you still don't feel like shit every second of the day or wish you were gone. It's all about choices and the psychology, circumstances, and luck behind them. You wanted something (death or to be out of pain) that was out of reach, so you got the supplies, now you have the means to get that something. Sometimes when something is less attainable it has more appeal, but loses it's luster (like a guy) when they show interest in you. Also depression and SI can lessen it's grip, or tighten, or take a backseat to things that have deadlines as we've trained ourselves for these deadlines. They also just ease when we get a little distracted whatever and then time passes by and so did your ctb date. (This can happen for the rest of your life.) Then something may happen that seems a little more appealing than dying at the current moment and perpetuates Newton's law of motion. Then you may start to see something figuratively shiny, and want that more in the moment than to ctb, cause the bus will be there. So you turn to the shiny thing. Maybe find another shiny thing. And things slowly but surely lead you astray. It's not something to be ashamed of, even if you are procrastinating, whether it's secretly knowing or subconscious. Good luck.