I have come to terms with painful methods

[itsoverforme303]

Sorry for the wall of text.

Earlier I was trying to hold back my death, looking for a quick and easy method, lying to myself that maybe things will get better. They won't. I am tired of fighting. In fact, I am not fighting mental illness anymore, I am getting the crap beaten out of me by depression. I no longer want to suffer. That's why I have come to terms with a painful death. 90 seconds. Maybe 2 minutes. Maybe 5? The pain may be unbearable for that duration, but it would at least stop, right? As opposed to suffering endlessly, trying to crawl my way back up and getting kicked down every day. My only fear is surviving my attempt. I am not scared to die anymore. I am scared of living on with even less agency. Even if the pain makes me piss and shit my pants in the last moments, I'd rather have that. It's not like I live with any dignity anyway. I can't die with dignity. But at least I can die on my terms.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hi, first of all that's no a wall of text, I've done way worse here, so don't worry

Sorry that you are getting your shit kicked by depression. People don't give credit to just how bad and long that pain has to be in order to make you not scared to die anymore. Even worse if you are even considering painful methods. That's a threshold born out of immense suffering so I feel you there. I really wish you weren't in that position or that you'd get up eventually and kicked her shit back, or that she'd go weaker, there's my hopes to that for every person dealing with depression, but I also get the sheer exhaustion of it all. So again, I'm sorry. Somber note but what's making you consider painful methods instead of less painful ones though? If that's ok me asking

 

[itsoverforme303]

what's making you consider painful methods instead of less painful ones though?

Desperation. I can't continue anymore. I would rather get it over with than hope for a slightly less painful method. It's all nothingness after that anyway. What's a few minutes of intense pain? Better than whatever I have suffered and will suffer over a long time. It's not like I WANT a painful death, but if necessary, I won't hesitate. Just trying to make sure it's something I won't survive.

 

[getoutgirl]

MmMmm okay. I get the desperation and thought process don't take me wrong. I just wished you could be spared that intense pain at least, there are painless methods not too hard really. You've probably look through them and have your reasons so I won't say more. Again sorry you are there <3

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of it all, I also just wish to be free from all the suffering, it's just so cruel and dreadful to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway, I wish you the best, I hope you find peace.