Discussion I have come to a decision and I'm going to figure out how to end my life.

[Livingvsdying25]

Basically the title. After just kinda unintentionally dumping my real feelings to my friend. I have realized that I can't do this anymore.

It was nice to experience real friendship and care but I cannot take it anymore.

I have made my decision and I am going to figure out a way that I can execute my death.

I am determined and sure. So, I deleted the app where I talk to my friends. I have turned off text notifications. I have cancelled all appointments this week.

I am aiming for sometime in April the latest.

I will sustain myself with boring/not very stimulatong videos on YouTube and just keep myself together until I end it/while I figure it out.

My methods rn are either drugs or non suspension hanging.

I cannot continue to engage with life and others while doing this. I just can't anymore.


Being alone is painful but necessary so.


Telling my friends my plan will just lead to attempts of them trying to help and I can't handle it anymore.

Im ok with death and I'm not ok with life or living or trying to change my life.

I want to give up and it's pass time.

I will not cave and reach out to anyone. I will do this.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Im sooo... pathetic honestly. I'm half in and out always.

Never fully deciding and scared of death.

Just deleting the apps won't do and saying im planning to die won't do. While im grateful for the care there is very little that will get my friends to like... not be worried or whatever.

Sighhhhsss

 

[lebrodude]

I get it. It's hard. I keep flipping from this is inevitable to maybe i won't do it and things will get better.

You're not alone friend.

 

[rose-petal]

Basically the title. After just kinda unintentionally dumping my real feelings to my friend. I have realized that I can't do this anymore.

It was nice to experience real friendship and care but I cannot take it anymore.

I have made my decision and I am going to figure out a way that I can execute my death.

I am determined and sure. So, I deleted the app where I talk to my friends. I have turned off text notifications. I have cancelled all appointments this week.

I am aiming for sometime in April the latest.

I will sustain myself with boring/not very stimulatong videos on YouTube and just keep myself together until I end it/while I figure it out.

My methods rn are either drugs or non suspension hanging.

I cannot continue to engage with life and others while doing this. I just can't anymore.


Being alone is painful but necessary so.


Telling my friends my plan will just lead to attempts of them trying to help and I can't handle it anymore.

Im ok with death and I'm not ok with life or living or trying to change my life.

I want to give up and it's pass time.

I will not cave and reach out to anyone. I will do this.

hope the journey goes well for you.

 

[Iva]

Im sooo... pathetic honestly. I'm half in and out always.

Never fully deciding and scared of death.

Just deleting the apps won't do and saying im planning to die won't do. While im grateful for the care there is very little that will get my friends to like... not be worried or whatever.

Sighhhhsss

If you don't mind me asking, what is it that your friends are doing/have done that makes you feel like you're dumping your feelings onto them?

 

[FuneralCry]

After all, the reality is that suicide is something which isn't straightforward, if it was easier I would certainly be long gone by this point. Of course it's certainly for the best not to be open about suicide plans if one actually wishes to die, but anyway I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Actually, nvm I'm pretty.... resolved in my like determination to isola and kill myself.

My worker was going to call a Welfare check but luckily I replied in time


I don't think/know I will never be able to do non suspension hanging or any physically involved method.

Drugs it is then...

If you don't mind me asking, what is it that your friends are doing/have done that makes you feel like you're dumping your feelings onto them?

Nothing it's just my own personal insecurities tbh. My own past of being abused interfering with my present. To my friends they are just supporting me and fine with it.

 

[Huntfish34]

I get it for sure, 110% . I'm pretty close to everything you just stated. It's what I call.... Life on life's terms, and I Absolutely Fckn hate it. I'm sick and tired of being Sick and fckn tired.

I just recently got terminated from my job of 10 years due to " job abandonment ". I held some serious resentments so I didn't call in / let them know what was going on. I essentially quit, because I didn't answer their calls and ignored their texts asking me what's going on. Ohh well, I just Don't care anymore.

Thanks for sharing this, you are Not alone. Thoughts and prayers to you in whatever may happen.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Sighss I guess planning just means planning and it doesn't mean anything beyond that. In the sense that I don't per say have to die or whatever/can decide not to.

Im uncertain but shall see.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I'm gonna use this thread as a sort of.... consistent space to update and such.

Today is Tuesday morning and I'm pretty uncertain with where im at with things but pretty embarrassed and ashamed to re-engage with friends so I dunno.

 

[m1v]

I'm gonna use this thread as a sort of.... consistent space to update and such.

Today is Tuesday morning and I'm pretty uncertain with where im at with things but pretty embarrassed and ashamed to re-engage with friends so I dunno.

Since you're planning on ctbing, risking a chance and trying to engage a conversation with them a little wouldn't be so bad. In any case it goes wrong, The exit is right there, since you're already planning. Best of luck, please stay strong :)

 

[Dizzylady80]

There's no shame in reconnecting bb, they probably miss you. No point in making the time you have here worse

 

[Huntfish34]

Tuesday morning here as well and I'm pretty close to where you're at. Idk what I'm doing anymore honestly.

I wish you the best-

 

[Viranamari]

If only life wasn't so cruel, no one would want or even think of CTB. I'm not too sure what happened between you and your friends. But I don't blame you for wanting to CTB. The reality is that life is a suffering and the only freedom is death. I wish you luck on your attempt to CTB but at the same time, I hope things get better for you.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

My heart goes out to those that can relate to this struggle

And thnxx for the supportive messages. Maybe my friends miss me or maybe they're glad for the break. Who knows...

I'm not quite sure yet myself either. This whole month I've really been trying like get my self together, get my will to live a lil more solid and just feeling like I'm constantly failing.

I think a lot of people/ people in general don't understand how awful it is to be alive and theres not much will or desire to. It makes day to day really painful. Like even though I may be able to imagine life it doesn't make anything possible or like the CPTSD livable.

I dunno I'm sick of people close to me witnessing this struggle. So just gonna keep to myself for however long.


I've kinda solidified a plan but there's a lot of steps so jus feel exhausted by it all.

 

[SSGoingInsane]

I feel you bro, the sheer pressure of everything from school, jobs, family, friends, personal goals and that can easily catch up. I've been fine for the last 3 months and all of a sudden 4-5 days ago I got hit with a huge wave of emotional instability and suicidal thoughts (still ongoing) cuz I can't keep up with everything. I wish you the best, don't cut everyone off just in case, and plan properly, you do not want to fail, that's the worst outcome.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I attempted to re-download app and it just felt wrong.

I dunno what's wrong with me or whatever but I'm not per say in the mood to engage with my friends anymore and I don't know if I ever will be again.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I engaged and it all feels very.... hmmm I dunno the words tbh...

For me it just feels weird in a way. My friends are trying to be ok the most help and stuff and I'm like a deflated person in that I appreciate it but I feel like its kinda too late for me.

Like maybe the depression is just really bad or smthin but I feel very bleak this morning.

I have decided on my method but I need extra money tbh and I need to get over my fear of the dark web. If I can do either of those in this state it'll be a miracle.

So im forcing myself to live.