10mmc
Member
- Aug 18, 2026
- 15
Completely Drowning
Sorry to bitch, I love my family. I feel a responsibility for their wellbeing. But I have no social life, no alone time, and I am nearly always doing a care task for someone. I don't go out, I don't get my hair cut, I don't have my own income,I don't have childfree time. I have expressed for years how unfair and, in a sense, inhumane it is that I am not given this and that no one helps with household duties or chidlcare routinely. We are POOR but blessed in many ways, privileged and have had opportunities most people never have. I am burnt out at home; nothing changes, lots of false promises, toddler tears. When my husband talks about implementing changes, I tell him to stop now because he doesn't follow through. We've discussed hiring a babysitter for years, nothing happens unless I do it. I'm on meds and see a psychiatrist. I worry that some of the meds are causing more harm and anxiety than good but I don't wanna go back to the psychiatrist because it's $115 and we have to spend that every 2 to 3 months and my husband is already complaining about that cost.
He doesn't really listen when I tell him what I need. I show up for my husband's family when they need something because I love them, yet I don't feel like anybody shows up for me reliably.
My husband is very mentally ill, and I have a lot of responsibility in his care while raising two small children, one of whom has serious behavioral issues related to autism. I also have resentment from a mental crisis my husband had involving sexting an ex girlfriend and making up lies about me to her. Underneath it all, I feel like I have been through a humiliation ritual and am disgusted by his behavior, mentally ill or not.
I am also reeling from grief over the death of the one semi reliable parental figure I had after my bio parents abandonment early on. My back is very injured, yet I still have to lift because I can't count on anyone im scared to see a doc. It hurts, I'm still expected to keep going.
My in-laws say I have been "off," "mean", I am invisible here. When I talk about wanting to pursue my passions, I'm made to feel irresponsible or selfish because I have small kids. I want to get into dirt racing, I love bikes and quads, I want to fly in the sky, hike, go back to school, work, and travel, learn to play the piano because I constantly hear arrangements in my head. I want to have a life, friends to go places with.
I feel like the concern about me isn't actually about me. It's that I'm unpleasant and people aren't getting the attention or service they feel entitled to. I can't fill their cups anymore and they are upset and withdrawing.
I wish someone would ask what's going on in my life that isn't just about my kids. I wish someone would ask me if I am really okay about my grandfather being gone.
I think I just need to talk to someone who understands what it feels like to be completely overwhelmed, invisible, and needed by everyone while feeling like nobody actually sees you.
I tried to kill myself last month. It wasn't impulsive and I sometimes feel like maybe I did die in an emotional sense. I think about if I had died, at least it would be over. I had thought about it for years and had planned it out. No one knows. It scares me that I am struggling so much I would do that to myself, it scares me that I think about doing it again, it scares me that I know it wasn't particularly scary or painful for me to do that.
I can't breathe sometimes; it feels like I am back in that space trying to reach up to free myself and I am in limbo before the light fades. "I'm fine!" No other choice but to be "fine" everyday and to always be of service. I'm ungrateful, my family is everything, and I am nothing. It's drilled into my head and acknowledged repeatedly that I am a caregiver, that supposedly no one else would put up with it? My husband and in laws say things like no one else can deal with it, but yet they don't relieve me so I can just go out, like fuck man I just want to take a long shower or go grab fries at the beach for thirty minutes or do garden work for a few hours. No one says hey ill watch the kids, if whenever they do brfly watch the kids they bitch about how draining they are and they dont have the energy for it and how they dont have a baby proofed house and so much other shit as if they cant take the fucking carseat and take the kids to the park that's is literally across the fucking street. who is caring for me? No one actually gives one fuck they just are mad at me for not being giddy all fucking day. I feel angry with them.
Sorry to bitch, I love my family. I feel a responsibility for their wellbeing. But I have no social life, no alone time, and I am nearly always doing a care task for someone. I don't go out, I don't get my hair cut, I don't have my own income,I don't have childfree time. I have expressed for years how unfair and, in a sense, inhumane it is that I am not given this and that no one helps with household duties or chidlcare routinely. We are POOR but blessed in many ways, privileged and have had opportunities most people never have. I am burnt out at home; nothing changes, lots of false promises, toddler tears. When my husband talks about implementing changes, I tell him to stop now because he doesn't follow through. We've discussed hiring a babysitter for years, nothing happens unless I do it. I'm on meds and see a psychiatrist. I worry that some of the meds are causing more harm and anxiety than good but I don't wanna go back to the psychiatrist because it's $115 and we have to spend that every 2 to 3 months and my husband is already complaining about that cost.
He doesn't really listen when I tell him what I need. I show up for my husband's family when they need something because I love them, yet I don't feel like anybody shows up for me reliably.
My husband is very mentally ill, and I have a lot of responsibility in his care while raising two small children, one of whom has serious behavioral issues related to autism. I also have resentment from a mental crisis my husband had involving sexting an ex girlfriend and making up lies about me to her. Underneath it all, I feel like I have been through a humiliation ritual and am disgusted by his behavior, mentally ill or not.
I am also reeling from grief over the death of the one semi reliable parental figure I had after my bio parents abandonment early on. My back is very injured, yet I still have to lift because I can't count on anyone im scared to see a doc. It hurts, I'm still expected to keep going.
My in-laws say I have been "off," "mean", I am invisible here. When I talk about wanting to pursue my passions, I'm made to feel irresponsible or selfish because I have small kids. I want to get into dirt racing, I love bikes and quads, I want to fly in the sky, hike, go back to school, work, and travel, learn to play the piano because I constantly hear arrangements in my head. I want to have a life, friends to go places with.
I feel like the concern about me isn't actually about me. It's that I'm unpleasant and people aren't getting the attention or service they feel entitled to. I can't fill their cups anymore and they are upset and withdrawing.
I wish someone would ask what's going on in my life that isn't just about my kids. I wish someone would ask me if I am really okay about my grandfather being gone.
I think I just need to talk to someone who understands what it feels like to be completely overwhelmed, invisible, and needed by everyone while feeling like nobody actually sees you.
I tried to kill myself last month. It wasn't impulsive and I sometimes feel like maybe I did die in an emotional sense. I think about if I had died, at least it would be over. I had thought about it for years and had planned it out. No one knows. It scares me that I am struggling so much I would do that to myself, it scares me that I think about doing it again, it scares me that I know it wasn't particularly scary or painful for me to do that.
I can't breathe sometimes; it feels like I am back in that space trying to reach up to free myself and I am in limbo before the light fades. "I'm fine!" No other choice but to be "fine" everyday and to always be of service. I'm ungrateful, my family is everything, and I am nothing. It's drilled into my head and acknowledged repeatedly that I am a caregiver, that supposedly no one else would put up with it? My husband and in laws say things like no one else can deal with it, but yet they don't relieve me so I can just go out, like fuck man I just want to take a long shower or go grab fries at the beach for thirty minutes or do garden work for a few hours. No one says hey ill watch the kids, if whenever they do brfly watch the kids they bitch about how draining they are and they dont have the energy for it and how they dont have a baby proofed house and so much other shit as if they cant take the fucking carseat and take the kids to the park that's is literally across the fucking street. who is caring for me? No one actually gives one fuck they just are mad at me for not being giddy all fucking day. I feel angry with them.
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