asiht
Member
- Oct 17, 2019
- 22
I have bipolar, severe OCD, ptsd. I have 3 kids. Their other parent was abusive to me. I left the other parent some years ago. I don't have any custody of the kids. The other parent took me to court for child support and I got completely screwed. The older two kids now don't want to have anything to do with me and I don't get to see the youngest as much as I'd like.
Around the time of leaving the other parent, I fell into drug abuse (I won't say specifically what drug). It's not a physically addictive substance, but I've struggled with it off and on during those years.
In December I lost my job where I worked at the same employer for almost 20 years. (The stress from that job was unreal, and that's a whole other hellscape I won't even get into here)
I had some financial help from a family member, and also cashed out my retirement money, and then finally got on unemployment. The money will be running out soon and I haven't found a new job yet.
I'm currently at a place where I'm eating nothing but beans and ramen noodles. In the next 2 weeks I'm going to have to choose between either: rent, child support, bills, or psych meds (Most of which I've already run out of). I'm going to prioritize rent. Edit: Look at that, I even forgot to mention food in that list, like it's some kind of fucking unnecessary excess.
I've been through many different very dark time periods of my life. I've been researching suicide methods and their efficacy for a long time, because I want to make sure that ifwhen the time comes, I want to do it correctly and not become a vegetable.
As much as I love my kids, the whole thing fucking sucks and it breaks my heart. and I wish it had been different. But at this point I feel like I'm hardly anything more than a source of child support $ for them.
Things are getting very dark lately, as I possibly face homelessness if I'm not able to find work soon. Oh, and also I've basically fucked up both of my knees to where I can barely walk, I'm severely obese, my apartment is literally piled full of garbage, my bathroom smells like a catbox even though I don't even have cats. So, I can't even do manual labor type jobs or even any job that would require much standing, because of my fucked up knees. I have not been able to take care of myself during these months after I got fired.
Is it wrong of me to CTB?
I feel like... If I hold on, things *may* get better. But they always will get worse, and then better, ad infinitum. I'm not sure I can hold on much longer. Is it selfish to CTB? Is it somehow righteous for me to continue living a life of misery just so their other parent doesn't have to work as hard to earn $, or on some freak chance that they will someday want to re-form a relationship with me?
Fuck everything, I'm getting very tired.
-a
Around the time of leaving the other parent, I fell into drug abuse (I won't say specifically what drug). It's not a physically addictive substance, but I've struggled with it off and on during those years.
In December I lost my job where I worked at the same employer for almost 20 years. (The stress from that job was unreal, and that's a whole other hellscape I won't even get into here)
I had some financial help from a family member, and also cashed out my retirement money, and then finally got on unemployment. The money will be running out soon and I haven't found a new job yet.
I'm currently at a place where I'm eating nothing but beans and ramen noodles. In the next 2 weeks I'm going to have to choose between either: rent, child support, bills, or psych meds (Most of which I've already run out of). I'm going to prioritize rent. Edit: Look at that, I even forgot to mention food in that list, like it's some kind of fucking unnecessary excess.
I've been through many different very dark time periods of my life. I've been researching suicide methods and their efficacy for a long time, because I want to make sure that ifwhen the time comes, I want to do it correctly and not become a vegetable.
As much as I love my kids, the whole thing fucking sucks and it breaks my heart. and I wish it had been different. But at this point I feel like I'm hardly anything more than a source of child support $ for them.
Things are getting very dark lately, as I possibly face homelessness if I'm not able to find work soon. Oh, and also I've basically fucked up both of my knees to where I can barely walk, I'm severely obese, my apartment is literally piled full of garbage, my bathroom smells like a catbox even though I don't even have cats. So, I can't even do manual labor type jobs or even any job that would require much standing, because of my fucked up knees. I have not been able to take care of myself during these months after I got fired.
Is it wrong of me to CTB?
I feel like... If I hold on, things *may* get better. But they always will get worse, and then better, ad infinitum. I'm not sure I can hold on much longer. Is it selfish to CTB? Is it somehow righteous for me to continue living a life of misery just so their other parent doesn't have to work as hard to earn $, or on some freak chance that they will someday want to re-form a relationship with me?
Fuck everything, I'm getting very tired.
-a
