FIrst of all apologies if I make any mistakes in this post. Been lurking for a while but I'm stupid and slow to notice patterns.
I guess I'm just shouting into the void here, hoping that someone a bit more distant than the two or so friends I have left hears my story.
My whole life, I've been a selfish coward. Always just taking from people, never putting in effort or giving much back. For 20 years, I have never met someone I could call a true friend. Until I was part of a certain group.
After we started hanging out, I finally started enjoying life. Even simple things like discussing meaningless details about anime or games we played was exhilarating. Then, the person who was my closest friend revealed their feelings, and I was in the sweetest relationship I could ever picture.
Then, the awful parts of me I worked so hard to bury came out. I started looking out only for myself, taking friendly debates too far to prove my "intelligence", acting like a child when I didn't have my way, etc.
After my then-boyfriend broke up with me because I once again turned a friendly conversation into a shouting match, I broke inside. As stupid and childish as it sounds, the only reason I kept on living was for him.
I tried for months to fix what was wrong with me, and then try to somehow get my friends and my loved one back, but to no avail. I tried forgetting about them, but the more I did, the more it hurt.
My ex is trying to support me from a distance somewhat, but that only makes things worse. I tried moving on, but I seemingly can't get him out of my head.
I want this nightmare to end, but I'm too much of a coward to go through with actually offing myself.
My latest try has been partial hanging, though I can never defeat SI, and I just end up more miserable each time. I don't want to die, but living without my ex, the one person that I could relate to my entire life, the only one who showed me any kindness in this world, is a constant pain in my soul that I cannot get rid of.
As pathetic as feeling suicidal over a breakup is, I cannot hide what I feel. I can't fall in love with anyone else, even entertaining the thought makes me feel vile and evil. But I also can't be alone again. I've never been so lonely and hopeless.
I hate that this was all my fault. And I hate that I'm too much of a coward to go ahead with making the pain stop. I never wanted any of this to happen, I just wanted a simple life where me and my loved ones can enjoy time spent together.
I'm sorry if this is the wrong place or format to post. I have nobody to turn to, and nothing left, except my regrets and cowardice.
I guess I'm just shouting into the void here, hoping that someone a bit more distant than the two or so friends I have left hears my story.
My whole life, I've been a selfish coward. Always just taking from people, never putting in effort or giving much back. For 20 years, I have never met someone I could call a true friend. Until I was part of a certain group.
After we started hanging out, I finally started enjoying life. Even simple things like discussing meaningless details about anime or games we played was exhilarating. Then, the person who was my closest friend revealed their feelings, and I was in the sweetest relationship I could ever picture.
Then, the awful parts of me I worked so hard to bury came out. I started looking out only for myself, taking friendly debates too far to prove my "intelligence", acting like a child when I didn't have my way, etc.
After my then-boyfriend broke up with me because I once again turned a friendly conversation into a shouting match, I broke inside. As stupid and childish as it sounds, the only reason I kept on living was for him.
I tried for months to fix what was wrong with me, and then try to somehow get my friends and my loved one back, but to no avail. I tried forgetting about them, but the more I did, the more it hurt.
My ex is trying to support me from a distance somewhat, but that only makes things worse. I tried moving on, but I seemingly can't get him out of my head.
I want this nightmare to end, but I'm too much of a coward to go through with actually offing myself.
My latest try has been partial hanging, though I can never defeat SI, and I just end up more miserable each time. I don't want to die, but living without my ex, the one person that I could relate to my entire life, the only one who showed me any kindness in this world, is a constant pain in my soul that I cannot get rid of.
As pathetic as feeling suicidal over a breakup is, I cannot hide what I feel. I can't fall in love with anyone else, even entertaining the thought makes me feel vile and evil. But I also can't be alone again. I've never been so lonely and hopeless.
I hate that this was all my fault. And I hate that I'm too much of a coward to go ahead with making the pain stop. I never wanted any of this to happen, I just wanted a simple life where me and my loved ones can enjoy time spent together.
I'm sorry if this is the wrong place or format to post. I have nobody to turn to, and nothing left, except my regrets and cowardice.
