tw: selfharm and anorexia
so if you don't know i am in a long-term psychiatric facility to try and treat my BPD and unwavering suicidality.
i slit my arm open and it felt good to feel some pain. it wasn't that deep, only to the fat layer which is my regular cut depth so i wasn't worried. part of me hoped i would bleed out so stupidly i did not put anything over it to stop the bleeding.
now, one thing about the psych ward is that it's an anorexic nightmare. the food is shit and the staff make you eat, otherwise they just forcibly tube you.
some more context: i am under the mental health act so i cannot deny treatment. which sucks.
anyways, while i was just running it under the sink and letting it bleed they called dinner. as an anorexic i have to go because i have no desire to be tubed. so, i pulled on a jumper and went to sit at a table; i can't eat in my room because anorexia.
i was there for about 30 minutes because i struggle with eating, obviously. that's when a staff member asked me to give her my arm. i froze and looked down. i think my heart stopped. i had bled through my jumper.
i refused and went to stand up. she told me i better not go anyway and to show her my arm. listen, i can get very very angry so i started yelling that i just wanted to go home and die and to just let me die etc etc. she then called security on me.
obviously i grabbed my pumpkin soup because what else is a mentally ill woman to do, and when security came i threw it at them.
it was very funny for a spilt second until they tackled me to the floor where i hit my head and held me down. i was screaming and they tied me up with restraints and dragged me to a treatment room.
yeah, i mean dragged.
like across the fucking floor by my legs.
what the fuck.
then they tied me to a treating bed. a nurse came in and pulled down my pants. in front of security which was three fucking men. and then she pulled down my underwear. i have explicity told the staff i have sexual trauma. she could have asked them to look away. i was fucking restrained and bruised.
what the fuck is wrong with people. she then sedated me in the butt.
fucking embarassing.
when i woke up i was in seclusion which was literally just a mattress in a white room. like what you think of an asylum. i was stitched up. i started crying and a nurse yelled through the door that if i didnt calm down she would sedate me again. so obviously i shut up.
anyways. yeah. please don't let this discourage you from seeking help but fuck the mental health system, fuck that nurse, fuck security and fuck my life.
and they wonder why im suicidal.
sorry for venting i just needed to get it off my chest.
