I hate this so fucking much! Why can't I just do it?

[BipolarExpress]

I seriously fucking hate this so fucking much. I'm tired of living with my broken brain. And yet I can't get the courage to mix the SN and actually take it.

My mental health has deteriorated since the height of COVID restrictions. I became dependent on weed for a year to ward off depression, but it ended up making me paranoid and triggering hypomania ("mania lite") sometimes. My OCD went out of control and I think there's contamination everywhere. (And my OCD contamination fears are weird; they're about abstract contaminants like words and symbols, not dirt or germs. It's fucking TORTURE, let me tell you. I don't even want to talk about them with my therapist because they seem so silly.) This year, I had a severe manic episode (right after major depression, to boot) where I thought I was the messiah. I quit my job thinking that there were terrorists infiltrating my workplace and targeting me because I was the messiah. I made an ass of myself on social media accusing people of being terrorists, Nazis, pedos, etc. (I later apologized to those people, but it was still mortifying to have said those things.) I ended up being hauled off in an ambulance two months after the episode started, locked in a psych ward for two weeks, and stuffed with sedating mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. And now I'm a suicidal mess who manages to hide it well enough at work and around my friends. I have to admit, one of the main reasons why I'm suicidal is that I'm so embarrassed and ashamed at how I behaved during the episode. Every few minutes, I'm greeted with flashbacks, as though my brain were a blooper reel. "Remember when you said THAT?" "Wow, you're such a nutcase. Here's THAT incident again." On top of that, several important relationships fell apart, so I feel lonelier than I did at the start of the pandemic.

I'm close to doing it, but I can't seem to get over the last hurdle of actually taking the SN. I have antipsychotics left over from the episode that I've been taking for the past week. I've done eight-hour fasts every so often this week, thinking that I'm going to mix the SN, but instead I end up eating and resetting the clock again. Why the fuck am I still alive? I'm miserable. I feel like a total idiot. I don't have real feelings anymore. I don't care about my hobbies. I just work, eat, sleep, shit, and shower—and repeat the same bullshit every fucking day. Survival instinct is a fucking bitch, y'all.

 

[aladdin]

I'm sorry you're going through that. That sounds really terrible. You seem capable of differentiating between delusion and reality right now, which tells me you have regained insight. Are you still having these delusions? How often do you get these manic/psychotic episodes? Psychosis can be a bitch, but at least you're not having auditory hallucinations. You mentioned medication, does it help your symptoms at all? It's good that you're still able to work despite your symptoms. I don't think I would be able to in that condition.

If you absolutely must go through with it, consider taking a benzodiazepine. It should help with SI and panic. I wish you well, and hope you feel better!

 

[braziliansuicidegirl]

I'm bipolar too, during my mania episode I posted several sex videos on my social media and spent the day posting extremely embarrassing things there. After my social media was obviously taken down I went into a paranoia that everyone was against me and shit like that.
This happened in 2020, since then I haven't had any more manic episodes, I've only had a few depressive ones. But to this day I have flashbacks of things I've said, recorded or done and it makes me so ashamed I want to disappear.
I don't know how to help you deal with it, therapy and the right medication helped me a little but not completely because I'm here after all
Anyway, I really understand you.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's hard with SN because it takes some time to take effect and could come with physical discomfort. Those things are major barriers. None of this reflects on you; this is a universal
struggle. But many people have succeeded, so it's clearly not impossible.

 

[BipolarExpress]

I'm sorry you're going through that. That sounds really terrible. You seem capable of differentiating between delusion and reality right now, which tells me you have regained insight. Are you still having these delusions? How often do you get these manic/psychotic episodes? Psychosis can be a bitch, but at least you're not having auditory hallucinations. You mentioned medication, does it help your symptoms at all? It's good that you're still able to work despite your symptoms. I don't think I would be able to in that condition.

If you absolutely must go through with it, consider taking a benzodiazepine. It should help with SI and panic. I wish you well, and hope you feel better!

The delusions and voices went away after the manic episode ended. The lithium wards off mania (though it hasn't done shit for my depression), so I haven't shown any signs of psychosis. This year was the first time I'd experienced full-on mania or psychosis; before then, it was all hypomania and some grandiose ideas, but I didn't have outright delusions like "I'm secretly royalty" or "I'm the messiah."

It's hard with SN because it takes some time to take effect and could come with physical discomfort. Those things are major barriers. None of this reflects on you; this is a universal
struggle. But many people have succeeded, so it's clearly not impossible.

I'm not sure if my psychiatrist will give me enough of them. He's kind of conservative when it comes to prescribing meds like that. Probably for the best in most cases, but my anxiety is pretty bad.

I'm bipolar too, during my mania episode I posted several sex videos on my social media and spent the day posting extremely embarrassing things there. After my social media was obviously taken down I went into a paranoia that everyone was against me and shit like that.
This happened in 2020, since then I haven't had any more manic episodes, I've only had a few depressive ones. But to this day I have flashbacks of things I've said, recorded or done and it makes me so ashamed I want to disappear.
I don't know how to help you deal with it, therapy and the right medication helped me a little but not completely because I'm here after all
Anyway, I really understand you.

I'm sorry you've gone through similar experiences! Mania can be terrifying, especially when you look at it in hindsight.

 

[sleeps]

bipolar here as well. the post-mania embarrassment is fucking brutal. realllly makes me dislike, distrust, and feel like i don't even really know myself. i totally feel you on that

 

[pauly1963]

I seriously fucking hate this so fucking much. I'm tired of living with my broken brain. And yet I can't get the courage to mix the SN and actually take it.

My mental health has deteriorated since the height of COVID restrictions. I became dependent on weed for a year to ward off depression, but it ended up making me paranoid and triggering hypomania ("mania lite") sometimes. My OCD went out of control and I think there's contamination everywhere. (And my OCD contamination fears are weird; they're about abstract contaminants like words and symbols, not dirt or germs. It's fucking TORTURE, let me tell you. I don't even want to talk about them with my therapist because they seem so silly.) This year, I had a severe manic episode (right after major depression, to boot) where I thought I was the messiah. I quit my job thinking that there were terrorists infiltrating my workplace and targeting me because I was the messiah. I made an ass of myself on social media accusing people of being terrorists, Nazis, pedos, etc. (I later apologized to those people, but it was still mortifying to have said those things.) I ended up being hauled off in an ambulance two months after the episode started, locked in a psych ward for two weeks, and stuffed with sedating mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. And now I'm a suicidal mess who manages to hide it well enough at work and around my friends. I have to admit, one of the main reasons why I'm suicidal is that I'm so embarrassed and ashamed at how I behaved during the episode. Every few minutes, I'm greeted with flashbacks, as though my brain were a blooper reel. "Remember when you said THAT?" "Wow, you're such a nutcase. Here's THAT incident again." On top of that, several important relationships fell apart, so I feel lonelier than I did at the start of the pandemic.

I'm close to doing it, but I can't seem to get over the last hurdle of actually taking the SN. I have antipsychotics left over from the episode that I've been taking for the past week. I've done eight-hour fasts every so often this week, thinking that I'm going to mix the SN, but instead I end up eating and resetting the clock again. Why the fuck am I still alive? I'm miserable. I feel like a total idiot. I don't have real feelings anymore. I don't care about my hobbies. I just work, eat, sleep, shit, and shower—and repeat the same bullshit every fucking day. Survival instinct is a fucking bitch, y'all.

Weed messed me up big time. I suffered a bad trip after eating some edibles, and it triggered depersonalisation and derealization. Anyone who has experienced this will tell you how terrifying it is. The symptoms lasted for over 7 months and I lived every day of it in a state of often intense feat and paranoia because I genuinely thought that I had literally gone Insane.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really awful what you have been through and your feelings of wanting to be free from this life are understandable. I just think that after all, actually going through with suicide is not always straightforward even if someone has a method by their side and I get why you would feel so frustrated. But at least you have the option of SN for when the time is right for you to leave. I wish you the best.

 

[BipolarExpress]

bipolar here as well. the post-mania embarrassment is fucking brutal. realllly makes me dislike, distrust, and feel like i don't even really know myself. i totally feel you on that

Yeah. Everything I did was out of character (and a lot of people understood that, to their credit), and it feels as though someone else took over my body and started saying and writing bizarre things for two months. It felt as though I were being impersonated, which is what I said on social media until I was able to admit that I was in an altered state. (During the manic phase, there was a brief period where I was more rational and deleted a lot of my weird posts, but everything started up again and I had ANOTHER batch of embarrassing posts to delete when I was discharged from the psych ward. Fun times.)

 

[almaranthine]

Yes, the flashbacks of manic/psychotic episodes haunt me bitterly... I have done so many messed up things, been in and out of hospitals so many times, yet never received legitimate "help". The fact that I have gone this long and avoided a real Bipolar diagnosis baffles me... I guess I was always good about keeping my delusions to myself. My behavior was so insane though I really do resent my family for not intervening when I was younger (and lived with them). One time I disappeared for 3 days. Didn't have a phone, didn't have ID, only some cash on me and I drove off believing I had to go on a "spiritual" journey or I would be hunted and killed, being convinced that there were supernatural forces "after" me. I even checked myself into a hospital on that trip, but of course... they just charged me for a shitload of unnecessary tests and promptly discharged me in about an hour. It's incredible how hospitals will financially take advantage of the mentally ill. At any rate, you should be proud of yourself for being able to hold a job. The last job I had I quit because I started hearing voices in my head again and went crazy. I reckon it was the abusive relationship and awful living situation that triggered this. Doesn't matter though, I am a train wreck with a broken brain filled with horrible memories, never knowing when my sanity will slip away again

 

[niiina]

Same. My ligature on the door is staring at me raising one eyebrow right now.

 

[its-about-time]

There are a good few of us on this website who experience psychosis. It is so difficult to live with, day in and out, and to deal with the aftermath of episodes alongside the fear of another episode… you are not alone. It is very difficult and feels like there's no escape as the problem is our literal brain. I'm sorry. I feel for everyone here, but feel a special connection to others with psychosis… I feel right along side you.

 

[Pentobarbital_Plz]

I had an episode where I was CONVINCED everyone could hear my thoughts. I swear some supernatural shit was going down. It was like I was controlling people. The people I was living with at the time got me stuck in a mental hospital and I got really paranoid while in there that I was either the second coming of Jesus, or the antichrist. Wild stuff.

 

[Daria98765]

I can totally feel you by just reading your title.
When i was sitting for training with exit bag on my head and nitrogen, I was really frightened and lonely,sad and hopeless.Those feelings make me wanna cry when I remember this moment after another " I want to die" thought,cause I know what I will feel during the process and it is one of the worst mix of feelings for me

 

[almaranthine]

I had an episode where I was CONVINCED everyone could hear my thoughts. I swear some supernatural shit was going down. It was like I was controlling people. The people I was living with at the time got me stuck in a mental hospital and I got really paranoid while in there that I was either the second coming of Jesus, or the antichrist. Wild stuff.

Oof yep, I've experienced that during episodes too. Anytime I was logging into something, like my banking app or whatever I would say a bunch of random numbers and letters in my head to "protect" my password from people around me that I thought were going to steal my info/money. Wild indeed. First time I was committed to a psych hospital I thought the apocalypse had come and some of the other patients in the ward were "prophets" of the end times. I hate my life lol

 

[BipolarExpress]

I wanted to be dead by Thursday, but I'm still here, still trying to get up the courage to take myself out of this cruel, chaotic, loud, noisy, inaccessible world. I don't belong here, but why do I stay? I regret ever having been born, and yet I'm too much of a coward to have dealt with this already. God, I fucking hate my existence. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again—that would be the ideal way to die, but of course, it doesn't work that way, does it? Instead I have to rely on self-poisoning, jumping off tall bridges or buildings, or lying on train tracks. There are always accidents, of course, but you can't predict them. All my health conditions are chronic and cause slow, painful death if left unchecked; they won't give me the immediate release I'm looking for.

I'm also frustrated because suicidal people are effectively silenced because of the threat of hospitalisation and "intervention." I can't prepare my friends for my imminent departure without some of them calling 911 and getting me locked up on a psych ward. I'd just like the freedom to go and give people fair warning before doing so, rather than having to do this furtively, making sure that I don't give any indication that I have lethal means and want to CTB soonish. If we lived in a society that actually listened to suicidal people rather than locking us up in the funny farm, then I'd make arrangements beforehand, rather than sending a delayed email or something, since an email like that could possibly be screened by service providers (though I'm not 100% sure whether they actually do that). If suicide prevention respected people's autonomy, that would be one thing, but it doesn't. I don't think being forced off the grid, with no access to my phone or computer, with no access to any non-hospital supports, is going to make me want to live.

This isn't an easy decision. I don't want to do it impulsively, which is why I keep pushing the date back. Impulsive suicide attempts rarely succeed. But the price is more living, more pain, more triggers, more exhaustion, more self-hatred, more misery.