NSFW i hate the child i was.

[ykoizy]

starting this off pretty heavily, and a huge NSFW warning,

i was raped by my uncle when i was 4. following this, i was also continuously raped by my older brother. it was four years later when it all just stopped.

I grew up thinking this was normal, and this is how love was supposed to be. Its no surprise that all of this left me severely hyper-sexual throughout my childhood years. I would find myself trying to find things to fill the emptiness in my stomach, and during my middle school years, i would sell myself to random men just to feel loved.

the older i grew, the more i started realizing that this was wrong, but can i even call it rape if i didn't do anything to defend myself? am i allowed to call it rape if i found myself wanting more? can i even call it rape if i let it go on for so long without telling anybody?

i remember pretty vaguely, third grade was when i started self harm. I found that the feeling was somewhat similar, and even up until now this remains one of my worst habits. i want to stop, but i dont know how.

my high school years weren't any better. i was still in that habit of selling myself, but i didnt do it for the pleasure anymore, i did it for money. It was during this period where i started asking myself if i even wanted to keep doing this.
and the truth is, i didnt.
I would find myself getting high just to get through it, but i wont go too deep into it.

i wish i had the courage to stand up for myself, maybe then my childhood years wouldnt have turned out this way.

the truth is, i cant blame anyone else but myself really, i allowed it to go on for so long, even though i knew it was wrong. i did nothing. and thats on me. not on anyone else. not on my uncle, not on my brother.

i just want to die and leave this life behind.

 

[zixd]

i agree with the title , i just hate every single seconde of my life till now , yr not alone !

 

[Wolf Girl]

You were a child. You were incapable of consenting to those acts. Those men raped you because an adult having sex with a child is ALWAYS rape. Your uncle and brother would not have cared if you had told them to stop raping you; they would have done it anyway because they are rapists.
It is not your fault. You were a victim.

 

[snooperdooper]

It is absolutely horrible what you had to go through, and Wolf Girl explained your situation perfectly. You were raped, and you simply cannot blame yourself for the torment you went through. That means your uncle/brother raping you, of course, but as well as selling yourself for escape from the pain you were and likely still are dealing with. You were a child trying to cope with a horrible, horrible situation and what you did to cope is frankly irrelevant.

I was also introduced to the concept of sex at a young age, so I have struggled with hypersexuality all my life, though not to the extent you have. I hate how it entirely warps your perception of something that should be something enjoyed with somebody you truly love. You no longer want to do it because it feels good but because your brain has been hardwired to seek it out due to your early introduction to sex.

 

[darksouls]

I am so sorry you have to go through all this
hope you find relief from suffering
sending you hugs and love

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's not your fault at all!

 

[bankai]

How the hell can anyone do this to children? It just boggles my mind every time I read stuff like this.

Here's the thing that happened, OP.Children don't have any idea what is right or wrong because their parents and family are the benchmark with which they spend the rest of their lives.

They can be easily manipulated to think or behave in any way the parents want. It's basically gaslighting.The children don't know any better because they have nothing else to compare it to.They even sometimes feel that horrible things happening to them are just normal.

None of it is your fault. Not a bit of it. You were surrounded by terrible people who skewed your way of thinking.

I hope you can heal.

 

[Apathy79]

It's hard to imagine how depraved someone has to be to rape a 4yo. There's a special kind of hell for people like your uncle. What he did is unequivocally rape. Regardless of whether you allowed it or not. I can't even imagine being in your shoes so I have no idea how to help the situation. I wonder if there are therapists who specialise in situations like this that might be able to help?

 

[Alexandra0]

You were a beautiful child, but a terrible tragedy happened to you. I am very sorry, anyone who has not been in a similar situation will not understand you. Your relatives deserve the harshest punishment, I hope they got it. They are to blame for how this affected your worldview. You are not guilty of anything, you are a victim. How can you harm defenseless children? My great-grandfather raped my grandmother when she was 10 years old. My grandmother is a truly kind person, she does everything for others, not for herself. I want to think that now this inhuman is frying in a hellish frying pan. Such terrible things happen every day all over the world.
Hugs to you

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

My comment, as an older male, is that every male who touched you is responsible for his own actions, which were categorically abominable and inexcusable.