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T

ThatStateOfMind

Paragon
Nov 13, 2021
952
I hate SI so much, and I wish it didn't exist so I could easily ctb, but SI and guilt exist, making it nearly impossible for me. My only readily available method is a gun, and anyone who's held a gun, specifically a shotgun, to your head knows that SI is really strong there (or, it was for me, at least). Life feels like it's going downhill for me. College is out and doesn't start until August, and I'm one of those people who enjoys college. I have a shitty job that I despise, but I keep working it for money. My car broke down and I'm stuck at home besides on the days I work, when my mom lets me use her car. I was going to use it to go out of town but my mom's boyfriend's car broke down so now he's going to be using it. I even ordered the wrong part and have to wait longer for my car part to be delivered before I can even do anything. One of my friends also may ctb soon, and I'm honestly going to be devastated if she does. I don't know, everything feels pointless. This may sound dumb, but my couch broke today, and that's what spurred me thinking like this. It's not even a big deal, I can still sit on it, but it's like one bad thing after another pushed me over the edge at this point.

It's so crazy that over a year ago, either February or March of last year, I could've been gone if my attempt didn't fail. I wouldn't be dealing with any of this right now, I would be blissfully unaware of the shit going on in day to day life. Now I dont know if I can ever overcome that feeling of guilt for my mom and cat and my own SI ever again. Fml
 
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