Venting i hate myself

[awen]

I am a very hard person to love and I know that life shouldn't be all about love but it really hurts when even your own mother can't like you. I don't know how to get better and show myself love on my own. This is not making sense I'm just venting but I became so fragile that I cry every single day it just hurts and even worse, when a boy likes me or tells me that he misses me at nights and stuff I get very awkward because I don't want to give in. I just want to live and die as a good person. I don't wish to harm anyone or myself anymore but everything gets so complex sometimes, I don't want to think about anything. I just want to crawl out of my skin and rest for a while which straight-up sounds like death. I don't want to die yet I don't want to live, at least not like this. I want to change and I try to change but it's hard to get away from disgusting habits I fail to abandon for years. Even if I change my ways I will never come to loving myself anyways. I think I hate myself and this hatred is growing stronger every day.

 

[ChronicPainExistent]

when a boy likes me or tells me that he misses me at nights and stuff I get very awkward because I don't want to give in.

What did you mean by this — that you didn't want to give in?

I just want to crawl out of my skin and rest for a while which straight-up sounds like death.

I actually would beg to differ. Death is permanent, absolute, and inalterable, whereas, I would say, what you describe is temporary and of a less definite nature.

Also, I think it may perhaps not actually be too uncommon for people in general — not just us folks here on Sanctioned Suicide — to have fantasies or thoughts about living out a restful existence somewhere detached from our actual body: if not forever, than at least for some time. Escapist fiction as a whole, whereby readers can immerse themselves in a different world as a psychological escape, is quite adjacent to that.