Venting I hate myself

[theonewhosoonisdon3]

I ruined the relationship with the only woman I want in life, I'm a young adult and I already know the shit id get told about it, aside from what I've done. It's not gonna get better from here relationship wise tho, I knew before we even started that if it didn't work out im not trying again, im too fucked up and don't feel I have the energy or capacity to love someone else again and want to be alone but moreover haven't wanted to exist for a long long time. It hurts so much that I ruined this and I'd curse a storm but idk the rules about it on here but I hate myself so damn much for what I've done. I don't know the plan for my life cuz I believe in a Creator but I just don't want to exist i didn't want to be alive long before this and me continuing to burn another bridge and repeating the cycle makes my shit even worse, i been better for a bit with the cycles and controlling myself but I was honest about a mistake/more revengeful action I made because of the hurt and that on top of everything else I done was what broke the cracked wall n destroyed everything. I miss her more than I can say and it hurts that I destroyed the privilege of having her in my life and could have had her or properly eventually left without destroying her healing mental state with the news so that she could've gone to to be okay and not deal with this shit all over again. I wish I could go back in time but that's fairy tale nonsense I just want to not be here. I don't wanna be alive. My mind won't stop. I have to live with the memories and the fact that I destroyed the possibility for a good life with this person. I know I need to continue getting better as a person and want to stay alone tho I just don't have it in me or even want it to ever start something up again I want to be by myself cuz at least alone I can rot without hurting others
I just want to rot and go back to slowly killing myself with drugs, cant do immediate ctb might as well shorten the ol life span gradually right