Catchingdabus27
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,531
Comes from trauma and.
A life of being mistreated or abused wjen needing the most help. Or being ignored when asking for it but for the first time in my life I have support.
It makes me feel awful bc I dont deserve to be supported when the biggest struggle I have hurts those that care the most. Im just a stupid asshole. Im hurting those that care enough to care.
I feel so bad. I don't want to be alone in life. I've fought so so hard not to be. Its finally changing and here I am.. killing myself
its just... bc suicidality is my struggle its inevitable that I'll hurt people if I try to be supported.
:( what an insidious thing. I think being suicidal especially chronically is one of the worst things to go through in this life for me.
Even when I leave I'll be causing pain and stress, I just won't have to hear it. Which makes me feel selfish. I thought I didn't care anymore but I didn't have anyone caring for the genuine me until recently. I didnt have people that just liked me without me doing anything.. I'm just experiencing genuine care for the first time. It's so sad :(
I can turn back and let people support me lean on and work on this. I just feel like.. I'll ruin it all. So. I hope my friend from today hates me or thinks im too much or erratic.... I hope my brother regrets coming and hates me but this sick feeling in my stomach tells me Im wrong. Their words tell me im wrong
I guess I don't have to kill myself anymore. But my soul is heavy. So heavy that I feek like killing myself every other week. I need to not be dealing with everything alone. Life is too much to shoulder. I feel so bad tho even if support is literally whats going to allow me to live and want to and be able to function consistently.
.Apparently that's ok... to not be consistent. I am told that.
I refuse to read the message. I said goidbye it's done now. Im horrible but I wanna juat let go. Im at such a cross road. Learning to be supported. Doesn't feel good but does...
I dunno having doubt but im not sure if I can trust that I won't be alone anymore. That I can truly lean on others. That I won't be left alone after trying...
Im uses to being crushed under the weihtt of this world alone. Now that I don't have to I'm scared. So it feels more relieving to just end it. Death is certain. Letting myself be cared for by the right people isn't. Im not used to this.
Kill myself here or allow support and continue building it... struggle with suicidality or just let it finish me.
I.. don't kno what to do...
A life of being mistreated or abused wjen needing the most help. Or being ignored when asking for it but for the first time in my life I have support.
It makes me feel awful bc I dont deserve to be supported when the biggest struggle I have hurts those that care the most. Im just a stupid asshole. Im hurting those that care enough to care.
I feel so bad. I don't want to be alone in life. I've fought so so hard not to be. Its finally changing and here I am.. killing myself
its just... bc suicidality is my struggle its inevitable that I'll hurt people if I try to be supported.
:( what an insidious thing. I think being suicidal especially chronically is one of the worst things to go through in this life for me.
Even when I leave I'll be causing pain and stress, I just won't have to hear it. Which makes me feel selfish. I thought I didn't care anymore but I didn't have anyone caring for the genuine me until recently. I didnt have people that just liked me without me doing anything.. I'm just experiencing genuine care for the first time. It's so sad :(
I can turn back and let people support me lean on and work on this. I just feel like.. I'll ruin it all. So. I hope my friend from today hates me or thinks im too much or erratic.... I hope my brother regrets coming and hates me but this sick feeling in my stomach tells me Im wrong. Their words tell me im wrong
I guess I don't have to kill myself anymore. But my soul is heavy. So heavy that I feek like killing myself every other week. I need to not be dealing with everything alone. Life is too much to shoulder. I feel so bad tho even if support is literally whats going to allow me to live and want to and be able to function consistently.
.Apparently that's ok... to not be consistent. I am told that.
I refuse to read the message. I said goidbye it's done now. Im horrible but I wanna juat let go. Im at such a cross road. Learning to be supported. Doesn't feel good but does...
I dunno having doubt but im not sure if I can trust that I won't be alone anymore. That I can truly lean on others. That I won't be left alone after trying...
Im uses to being crushed under the weihtt of this world alone. Now that I don't have to I'm scared. So it feels more relieving to just end it. Death is certain. Letting myself be cared for by the right people isn't. Im not used to this.
Kill myself here or allow support and continue building it... struggle with suicidality or just let it finish me.
I.. don't kno what to do...
