Venting I hate myself so much

[Softwind]

I feel totally worthless. I just wanted to be normal. I wish I had a normal childhood with cool friends and a loving family.
But no, I had to go through so much pain and in the end I became incredibly pathetic.
I lost potential friends, and to this day I fail to make connections. I also tried getting a boyfriend, but it just made me feel worse about myself.
I've also made unforgivable mistakes, of which I'll never to forgive myself. I've tried praying so many times, but I feel like my soul has been forever stained.

I tried ctb last year, shame it didn't work. I made a med cocktail of sorts, but I didn't manage to drink it all, it had a horrible taste and was trying my best not to vomit. Even after a year I still remember that awful taste.

I just wish this pain could end...

 

[axab43]

I feel totally worthless. I just wanted to be normal. I wish I had a normal childhood with cool friends and a loving family.
But no, I had to go through so much pain and in the end I became incredibly pathetic.
I lost potential friends, and to this day I fail to make connections. I also tried getting a boyfriend, but it just made me feel worse about myself.
I've also made unforgivable mistakes, of which I'll never to forgive myself. I've tried praying so many times, but I feel like my soul has been forever stained.

I tried ctb last year, shame it didn't work. I made a med cocktail of sorts, but I didn't manage to drink it all, it had a horrible taste and was trying my best not to vomit. Even after a year I still remember that awful taste.

I just wish this pain could end...

I'm sorry this is late but just wanted to say I know completely how you feel. I went through a lot of pain in my teenage years that screwed me up. I had relationships but couldn't go through with them because of what sounds like a similar situation to yours. I've made stupid mistakes too. You must try hard to forgive yourself. If you are a Christian, your soul is never forever stained, that is the whole point. I don't believe that but I believe your emotions/personality can be damage to the point it is really hard to function/life. I tried ctb once as well, also through a med cocktail which was horrible as you said.

I hope you are not to too bad today (is it possible to have a good day when feeling suicidal most of the time?) Know you are not alone and you are certainly not "forever stained".

 

[unabletocope]

I'm sorry this is late but just wanted to say I know completely how you feel. I went through a lot of pain in my teenage years that screwed me up. I had relationships but couldn't go through with them because of what sounds like a similar situation to yours. I've made stupid mistakes too. You must try hard to forgive yourself. If you are a Christian, your soul is never forever stained, that is the whole point. I don't believe that but I believe your emotions/personality can be damage to the point it is really hard to function/life. I tried ctb once as well, also through a med cocktail which was horrible as you said.

I hope you are not to too bad today (is it possible to have a good day when feeling suicidal most of the time?) Know you are not alone and you are certainly not "forever stained".

Think he's passed on mate, he made a thread saying he took SN yesterday