Venting I hate myself so much it's unreal

[BlueLock]

I'm so tired and sleep deprived so I doubt this will be coherent but whatever. I feel like a husk of a person, stupid and loveable and all that. I want so badly to have mattered and meant something to people but I know I won't. I don't even beleive it's possible for me to be loved. There's nothing inside me, no aspirations, or strong interests, or hobbies I can't even stand to be alone with myself how can I expect anyone else to be with me. I feel like I have to trick people to like me. And one day they're gonna figure out who I really am and hate what they see. It feels inevitable. It IS inevitable. All my life I've done nothing but make a fool out of myself or sink into the background, unimportant and unnoticed and i hate it! I hate the life I've lived! I hate how embarassed I am to exist! Life feels like one big fucking humiliation riutal that I am constantly losing. And I know it's my fault I know it. Everyone says it and it's true it's my fault. And there's no good solution. There's no way out. I can't fix everything about myself when all of it is awful. I can't change my personality at 21. I can't change my looks either. I don't know what I want. I want connection but I'm too afraid to make it. I can't even imagine it anymore. I can't even imagine it. I just want to die. It all hurts so damn much. I've had this rope for months and I need to use it and I need to use it soon. Before I lose my nerve. Becuase it doesn't get better with me the cycle never fucking stops. I hate everything. I hate needing connection. I hate existing as a human being.

 

[INYGTRMTFMO]

Yeah, the human condition is a rough one.

I do feel compel to mention that my personality in my 30s is different than it was when I was 21 and that I have gained skills and have accomplished more than 22 year old me would have thought (...one of those things being the mere having of a 30th birthday).

But I do hope that, if reincarnation is a thing, we're both reincarnated as something easier the next time around. Maybe a fungus or a spoiled housecat.