Venting i hate myself for having ambitions

[Hibiki]

it would be so easy to put an end to all this if i had absolutely nothing to live for, but unfortunately, there are things i want to do. i want to make music; i want to make art; i want to wear cute clothes; i want to play games and read literature. i want to watch my cat grow up. i want to learn my mom's recipes. i actually, deep down, want to have an impact on others, despite how hard i try to stay out of others' way. but someone like me doesn't deserve to have these dreams, because she knows she can't realize them.

i can kiss my teacher's credential good bye because i'm failing my classes. of course i am—i haven't done well in school in years. i'm upset that my father thought things would be any different in college, and i'm upset that i believed him. i'm upset at myself for having hope that i could do better.

i'm wondering if i'm prioritizing the wrong thing. maybe if i just pushed my pursuit of happiness aside and focused on my responsibilities, would happiness come with my success? it seems impossible though, seeing as i don't even have interest in doing things i used to enjoy doing. they say the saddest people make the most beautiful art, and yet, i'm lucky if i manage to produce something within a few months.

i wish i could throw all of this away and kick the bucket, but i care. i care so much. i just want to feel like i have a purpose, but that's a selfish ask. i look at all the successful people surrounding me and ask myself why i even bother.

source: kurage (yoni 0327) on gelbooru

 

[fedup1982]

I hope your luck in classes changes

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

i relate to this a lot. i only have one ambition or thing i feel like i should stick around for but its so strong. sometimes i feel good about that but often i resent it because i want to leave easily. i tend to fail all my classes too. i've ended up just taking a few at a time, or some semesters even just one. makes it slow but at least i do better in it. i hope your able to do okay and that you get your purpose

 

[p49CwWzD]

I was in a very similar place a few years ago. I had a complete breakdown and ended up in the psych ward my senior year of high school. I barely graduated and delayed going to college, then ended up withdrawing halfway through my first semester when I finally got there.

I thought that was it and that I had ruined my life forever. I was in a holding pattern for a while, employed on-and-off at a series of crappy jobs, rotting in the basement of my parents' house and just biding my time until I felt it was the right moment to kill myself. I enrolled in community college after getting fired from one of said crappy jobs, moreso because my parents told me they wouldn't support a bum than because of any interest in education. I took only a few credits per semester because I didn't think I was capable of handling any significant responsibility. And I was kind of right, because I had shit grades to start. But meeting classmates who cared about improving their lives, being exposed to new ideas, and finding classes that I enjoyed and did well in made me feel like maybe I actually was worth a damn. Things started to fall into place, gradually.

By the time came around to apply to a full-time university, I was ready. I chose a school across the country (USA) so I could start over in a place where I didn't know anybody. I was so terrified the night before I moved out that I was sure I'd throw up, and I decided that if it didn't work out I would finally just end it. But it did work out. I have a decent GPA (in a completely different field than the one I originally intended to study btw lol), a new community, a new job I don't completely hate. I live independently after long assuming that I'd be dead or permanently institutionalized by now. Things are okay. Maybe even good.

I hope this doesn't come off as some eye-rolling inspirational "it gets better" story. I'm aware that not everyone is capable of starting over like this. I was not even bathing regularly in the worst of the depression. I had to make some significant lifestyle changes to manage that, and I also had extensive family support through it all. So I don't presume to know anything about your personal situation or exactly how things will turn out for you.

My point is just that life can take some very interesting turns if you keep an open mind, and from this post, it sounds like you are. It's very normal to struggle with making meaning and deciding what your priorities are, especially in young adulthood. Maybe you've hit a patch of burnout and could lighten your course load for a while? There's no shame in taking things slow if you need to. Or maybe teaching isn't for you, and you'd like to explore a different path altogether?

Regardless, I hope that this novel I unintentionally wrote at least gave you something to think about. I wish you the best with figuring out what you need.