Venting I hate my mind, I f**ng hate the damn voices

[painpaingoaway]

I hate my mind, I hate my mind, I HATE MY MIND, I HATE MY MIND!!!


Every single stupid thing that goes wrong in my life no matter how meaningless and petty and my mind gets inundated by three dozen thousand thoughts of suicide or self harm. It's like I have a huge wall of loudspeakers right beside me screaming all the time that I should kms, that I am a failure and that I am a burden who makes the life of my wife and child a miserable existence.

Rationally I know nothing of this is true, but the rational part of my mind is a mere fraction, a mere infinitesimal ridiculousness in face of the fractal behemoth of my emotional mind.

I fucking hate my mind, WHY CAN'T I JUST SHRUG MY PROBLEMS AWAY LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING???? WHY THE HECK WOULD THOSE THOUSAND THOUGHTS WON'T STOP AND TELL ME TO KMS WHENEVER I BREAK A GLASS OR SOME CRAP LIKE THAT????

Shit, it's been 18 years of this crap. Always. I'm dead tired of it all of piling everything inside me.

I can't CTB, I just can't. It would absolutely destroy the lives of people who I truly care and who have nothing to do with my own problems. I can't even find solace in cutting myself again, I have to do it in secret, hiding, and with the shallower of cuts to ensure they heal up before my wife sees it.

I'm lost. Nothing that I try works as a pressure release, only cutting. I'm tired I hate my damn fucking mind

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really horrible and torturous what you are going through, it's certainly very cruel how people have to suffer so much in this existence.

 

[dialogos]

You've just

I hate my mind, I hate my mind, I HATE MY MIND, I HATE MY MIND!!!


Every single stupid thing that goes wrong in my life no matter how meaningless and petty and my mind gets inundated by three dozen thousand thoughts of suicide or self harm. It's like I have a huge wall of loudspeakers right beside me screaming all the time that I should kms, that I am a failure and that I am a burden who makes the life of my wife and child a miserable existence.

Rationally I know nothing of this is true, but the rational part of my mind is a mere fraction, a mere infinitesimal ridiculousness in face of the fractal behemoth of my emotional mind.

I fucking hate my mind, WHY CAN'T I JUST SHRUG MY PROBLEMS AWAY LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING???? WHY THE HECK WOULD THOSE THOUSAND THOUGHTS WON'T STOP AND TELL ME TO KMS WHENEVER I BREAK A GLASS OR SOME CRAP LIKE THAT????

Shit, it's been 18 years of this crap. Always. I'm dead tired of it all of piling everything inside me.

I can't CTB, I just can't. It would absolutely destroy the lives of people who I truly care and who have nothing to do with my own problems. I can't even find solace in cutting myself again, I have to do it in secret, hiding, and with the shallower of cuts to ensure they heal up before my wife sees it.

I'm lost. Nothing that I try works as a pressure release, only cutting. I'm tired I hate my damn fucking mind

You've just described a symptom that can be caused by either schizophrenia which has meds that can lessen the intensity of the disparaging thoughts, or oppression, a condition where there are actual spiritual forces that keep speaking harm to you. One is a mental problem. The other happens if you opened yourself up to the occult somehow in the past

 

[painpaingoaway]

You've just

You've just described a symptom that can be caused by either schizophrenia which has meds that can lessen the intensity of the disparaging thoughts, or oppression, a condition where there are actual spiritual forces that keep speaking harm to you. One is a mental problem. The other happens if you opened yourself up to the occult somehow in the past

When I was taking meds they were still there, but muffled. They came and went, and didn't "sticked" to the walls of my head. My psychiatrist said to me that they wouldn't never fully go away, only lessen in importance, and that once my mood was stable I would be able to live with them and ignore them.

And it indeed happened like that. I was good, feeling well, until I wasn't any more. And these thoughts came up again dialed all the way to 11.

I don't want to take meds again. I feel like a complete abject failure of a human being if I have to rely on medicine to feel well.