Venting I hate my life

[Kazu Ha]

It feels like I have achieved absolutely nothing in my life, and now I have lost my best and closest friends, who were my last hope.

I will spare you a long text about my past, but I would like to mention that I suffer from social anxiety and BPD, which is why my school days were hell and I had to quit my job and have now been unemployed for years.

I lost my best friend about a year ago and another one about 6 months ago. Shortly before breaking off contact, both of them met someone new and then left me in a way that was quite hurtful, as if I had meant nothing to them all those years and all the plans and dreams had just been made up - as if I had been nothing more than a "placeholder" all those years.
I was never really able to recover from the breakups.

This may sound childish, but I really felt very close to both of them. One was like a brother to me and the other was my soulmate. They were my last pillars of support in life and both had given me new strength, especially for the future (starting a shared apartment so I wouldn't be so lonely anymore, going out more often, and so on).
Now everything has crumbled to dust. Even after a year, I still can't come to terms with it and often have nightmares in which one of them appears in my dream and when I wake up, I just want to die.

I've tried making new friends, but how am I supposed to find someone when I've developed such extreme trust issues because of my past?

I see absolutely no meaning in life anymore, and my mental health issues and the fact that I haven't achieved anything don't make it any better. I just feel like I'm a burden to everyone. Therapy in January won't help either.

I'm sorry for writing this here. There are so many people who have experienced much worse, and here I am whining about something like this. Maybe I'm just weak and not made for life.
Sorry also for the mostly translated text.

 

[MrBigSad]

It feels like I have achieved absolutely nothing in my life, and now I have lost my best and closest friends, who were my last hope.

I will spare you a long text about my past, but I would like to mention that I suffer from social anxiety and BPD, which is why my school days were hell and I had to quit my job and have now been unemployed for years.

I lost my best friend about a year ago and another one about 6 months ago. Shortly before breaking off contact, both of them met someone new and then left me in a way that was quite hurtful, as if I had meant nothing to them all those years and all the plans and dreams had just been made up - as if I had been nothing more than a "placeholder" all those years.
I was never really able to recover from the breakups.

This may sound childish, but I really felt very close to both of them. One was like a brother to me and the other was my soulmate. They were my last pillars of support in life and both had given me new strength, especially for the future (starting a shared apartment so I wouldn't be so lonely anymore, going out more often, and so on).
Now everything has crumbled to dust. Even after a year, I still can't come to terms with it and often have nightmares in which one of them appears in my dream and when I wake up, I just want to die.

I've tried making new friends, but how am I supposed to find someone when I've developed such extreme trust issues because of my past?

I see absolutely no meaning in life anymore, and my mental health issues and the fact that I haven't achieved anything don't make it any better. I just feel like I'm a burden to everyone. Therapy in January won't help either.

I'm sorry for writing this here. There are so many people who have experienced much worse, and here I am whining about something like this. Maybe I'm just weak and not made for life.
Sorry also for the mostly translated text.

This was translated? It really does look like your English is amazing. You talk about having such extreme issues in the past, but what really matters is the future after all.


BPD is a condition i imagine is very difficult to handle, my best friend had it, he died a few years ago. Despite his mood swings being incredible he never hurt me though.

You really don't need to apologise for venting that's what this channels for!

i know you feel Therapy won't help and tbh i feel the same. Mostly because i can't afford it. That better help thing costs more than a fortnights worth of food her.

And i don't need a psychologist to tell me what's wrong with me, i know what's wrong with me.


I hope very much things get better for you!