Venting i hate my brain, i hate hate hate hate it

[ScaredCutter]

my own thoughts keep spiraling me and making me so anxious of whats going on around me. i cant focus on getting better, i cant focus on anything, im so stuck. my brain, my thoughts, my feelings, all i feel is that something is being hidden from me. i have a strong feeling, im scared and anxious, maybe im overreacting like always. ill become a shitty person if i try to pester into what im afraid of is happening or not, but i just want the feeling to go away. itll go away on its own for a short period of time until it comes back. it always comes back, i want to believe its fake but its so hard when it comes back constantly, i cant open up about it because like always, problems happens, i cant be understood for it, it just gets ignored and all i know is im just stupid for having those thoughts, it keeps happening. i hate being lied to, lies always worsen it, i hate it when im downplayed, i just need help but i cant get help, im unable to speak and when i do speak, i become embarrased and feel like ive said too much. i can only up to my teacher and bf, i hate my family, i cant open up to them because what i expect will always happen. my dad will use it as fuel to hurt me, my mum probably will just downplay it or give such shit advice, and who cares about my brothers, i know my parents prefer them anyways. i cant stop seeing things in one way, i cant stop thinking and feeling like the worst is happening behind my back, i hate going out because itll also worsen. everyone is doing something behind my bad, something to hrut me, something to make me regret being close to asnybody. nobody and i believe it, nobody can help me at all with this, i hate that fucking company called idk, something in australia but i had like 4 different ppl iwent to and it was ALL FAILS. i HATE psychologists, they are the same, they wont listen and change the subject. the only one i saw did that and i cant ever go back to another when its all i expect. everyone is plotting smth behind me and want to hurt me,.

i cant get comfort or anything from the person i love, because of what happens and id hate to hurt him again with it. hes all i can trust but these thoughts keep overlapping into my relationship it hurts, i look back at msgs, man even pics or what not and NOTHING stops this thought. im going to always be at wits end because these thoughts just thrtow me back and im unable to move forward. i hate this, i hate my brain, i hate being decived, everything i have is slippign from me because these thoughts just take over evcerything and is all im able to talk about. im anxious, i have to keep asking if my bf is ok everytime, im always trying to hold back on what i wanna ask because its so likely to just be me making shit up but, it hurts just to hold it back because then i keep believing it. i hate my brain.

i have to take a break but, these thoughts wont go away regardless. im only taking a break so i dont becoem suepr addicted to SS and stop giving my bf attention because i want to give him everything. hes my everything.

 

[nails]

i understand the nonstop, suffocating feelings of dread, anxiety, and the fear of opening up. this world is horrible and i'm sorry you have to deal with a family that just makes you feel worse. your feelings are all valid, it's hard to feel safe when you've been let down by family and even a psychologist. you seem very kind, you really don't deserve these horrible thoughts.
anyways, i'm wishing you the best. if the option is still on the table, i hope you receive the help you need and that you find some relief soon.