I hate life

[suicidalcat]

I hate my life. My life isn't even all that bad especially to how it was in the past but I'm so fucking depressed. I'm on meds and they aren't doing shit. My life has no purpose I feel worthless. I ruined my life by skipping school I literally am years behind and I know if I tried hard enough I could catch up but I just can't. I'm giving up. I was getting better and everything's been going downhill. I'm honestly so close to just ending it all. I've felt so numb for a while and today's actually the only day I am feeling emotions lol. I hate being sober. I want to drink and party and not give a fuck about my life and get worse. But at the same time I wanna get better I don't wanna be like this for the rest of my life but I feel so stuck. Like I want to be bad and even when I do try to get better and do better I I'm like helpless. I need help and I know that but part of me doesn't want it. Everyone's so quick to leave me that i don't even care anymore. This all feels inevitable. Maybe this is my fate

 

[nails]

it doesn't matter if your life is "better than it was before," shit sticks with people, and an improved situation doesn't change what you went through. you have every right and every reason to feel the way you do.
it's good to have any thoughts/hopes of improvement. i understand the conflicting feelings of wanting to get better but also not caring or even wanting to get worse. it's so frustrating, especially because of the constant obstacles that always seem to come up as soon as you put in the work to get better.
i hope you find your peace soon, and i hope everything turns in your favor.
feel free to message me if you ever need to vent. i'll be wishing you the best. :)