Venting I hate how my mind still try to find hope

[LossOfMe]

During the past week, I've been seriously planning my final journey since everything went even further south ever since my dad passed away in September. But now my damned mind suddenly is supplying me with this burst of energy that never came in the past 4 months all and I keep having these invasive thoughts about how I might still have a chance if "I just do X or Y".
For real?? I'm so freaking mad to the point of tears. I've been there before and I know I don't have a regular dose of energy/enthusiasm/mental health to pull that crap off for the long run. I'm sick and tired of trying and failing. I want rest and peace already.

I can't believe that just threw me off from the calm and accepting state I've been maintaining the past days so I could plan and execute everything.

 

[pole]

i was thinking about this today.

I hate with a passion that tiny little inkling of hope that persists everywhere I go.

I guess it's apart of our fight or flight response. as we inch closer to CTB, even when our desire to die grows, that little hopeful feeling follows, continuing to push back.

hard to completely kill. I suppose it's a natural human response from us. regardless, I fucking hate how it blinds us, keeps us stuck, and continues to hurt us even more.

 

[LossOfMe]

I guess it's apart of our fight or flight response. as we inch closer to CTB, even when our desire to die grows, that little hopeful feeling follows, continuing to push back.

And it's really ruthless for it to wait until that last moment to act up. Why give me something NOW out of all times when I needed it back then?

I suppose it's a natural human response from us. regardless, I fucking hate how it blinds us, keeps us stuck, and continues to hurt us even more.

Exactly. At this point, it's pure torture. Being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Can't fix this life but also can't get away from it. Urgh....