Venting i hate how i can't be a better person and be okay at the same time

[shadows_and_silence]

of course i couldn't keep myself relatively sane without my friends, and in that episode i literally lost one of my best friends and its horrible
i have no idea how I'm such a fuckup, this is the 4th friendship I've ruined with mental health issues and now i feel more alone than ever because i can't keep a healthy friendship to save my life
i always let people know that i ruin friendships always at the beginning of them and everyone says it won't happen but if course it always does
i don't know how I'm supposed to keep these friendships while getting better mentally because I'm either an asshole and a bad person because I'm not working on self improvement or I'm horrible with my mental health and it affects everyone around me. and i think I've obviously proven that i can't be alone without getting into an even worse position so at this point I'm basically doomed to be alone

 

[timf]

If you do things to sabotage friendships, you might look into why. Some who do this find that as a friendship grows closer or deeper it triggers a sort of panic reaction. It might be useful to reflect on if anything is being triggered and if it could be modified.