Venting i hate everything i do

[starrvingstar]

after any conversation or action i take i always find myself resorting to suicide as the only option that could possibly make me feel better.

i cant stand thinking back on conversations ive had with others and in middle school this affected me terribly. id leave every social situation feeling drained and anxious about everything i did or said and how awful it all was.

now i usually dissociate so it doesnt bother me later on.

i really hate everything i do and say. its hard for me to look back on any experience ive had or actions i have taken without complete regret.

 

[my-end]

I hear you. I feel similar. I tell myself, those times I remember, whoever was present likely doesn't remember it at all and I'm just torturing myself by replaying it. I've told myself, every interaction is a chance to create a positive experience although I have definitely never perfected it and have become weary trying to keep it up.
I should have attempted a more solitary existence years ago.

 

[charlotte_]

i don't know if this makes you feel better or not, but normally people don't see the things you said or do as horrible as you think it is. you are the one that are aware of all your actions and are actively living your life, but others aren't. they have their own life to live, their own shit to worry about, so most of the time they wouldn't remember those "awful" things you said or do. it would just be heavier on yourself to continue torturing yourself by those bad memories. also, everyone makes mistakes. it's not only you who have said wrongful things, everyone do at some point at their life. instead of worrying about things you could never fix, i think you should focus on the present and try to work on becoming a better version of yourself.