ScornedStoic
Fated
- Jan 17, 2020
- 98
Apologies if I'm just spewing details here in an unorganized fashion, I am beside myself right now and don't know what to do with myself in a very literal sense. I want to scream and cry and disappear and jump in front of a truck all at the same time. I want out of this body. Most of all I just want to cease existing.
There is no way I'll probably ever have he energy to fully describe to justice just how horrific my life is but I'll just do a bullet point list here should anyone feel enough sympathy and be well connected enough to help me find a way out.
-Am diagnosed with multiple mental health issues such as autism, ocd and ADHD that have made socializing and even just functioning almost impossible since I was a child. I've always been the source of everyone around me's problems.
-Have pretty much always had a distinct dissatisfaction with life since I was about 8 or 9 or so which has only ever gotten exponentially worse over time.
-Have been isolated and bullied my entire life (obv less bullied since leaving school, I'm in my late 20's, but any social group I find myself in I'm always at the bottom). I had one friend in elementary school but then my parents switched schools on me against my will due to the bullying (which didn't stop at the new school as I predicted) which caused that friendship to wither and die
-I've suffered with MANY (as in about 10) physically debilitating health issues since I've been about 18 or so including limited mobility, chronic pain, extreme discomfort, bathroom issues, arthritis, many issues affecting the ability to sleep (and I've already been a lifelong insomniac since earliest childhood), and more.
-Tried to move abroad to change my fortunes in 2018 which ended in disaster due to a mix of the health issues, COVID (the resulting lockdowns fucking with education and doctors appointments, not contracting it), and my family abandoning me, ultimately leading to me being kicked out and losing everything-everything I've ever owned, any progress made educationally, having to start over on health issues, lost my first and only significant girlfriend, and being made to live with my abusive mother
-Said mother terrorized me and made my life a living hell for over a year
-I've always thought about suicide, but in November 2021 I had a horrible injury which made me suicidal like nothing ever has before. As usual doctors won't do anything and life is unbearable since and I can barely function. My body is now deformed and barely functional and it will never get better. Doctors have essentially barred me as a hypochondriac and neither will the government grant me MAID (I'm Canadian). I'm not sure if the diagnosis I have is accurate but if it is the issue is literally untreatable and everyone online who has it is suicidal.
-After being forced to move out from my mother's I had to get a horribly miserable midnights factory job which I worked for over a year which was physically strenuous and I got injured even further making life truly horrific and unbearable and I've not been able to think about anything but suicide ever since.
-Apartment I was living at illegally evicted me and yet despite doing all due diligence with every legal source beforehand the courts did nothing and I was robbed of all the little savings I had built up including 1000 dollars in pre paid rent for the next month and about 200 dollars worth of groceries.
-Mother did not let me come back so I had to live with a drunk in a rat infested basement in an "room" of plywood walls in their cat piss stained basement the size of two twin beds. I was still working the midnights job because it was all I could find and never got any sleep. Eventually the drunk lost it at me one night when he was wasted over nothing and kicked me out also taking 650 I had paid for next month's rent and again costing me any savings I had in starting over.
-Mother took me back but made my life 10x the hell as before, making me sleep o the floor (I had an air mattress but she wouldn't let me set it up) and didnt let me shower. Every single day threatening to make me homeless. Also still working the job and getting no sleep.
-Found a place in August 2024 and moved in and finally went on medical leave for my job only for them to fire me without telling me in October and lying about when I stopped working so I couldn't get unemployment. I lost the apartment in July of this year.
-Mother pretended to take me back only to call the police on me for no reason while I was gone less than a month after me staying there. The police admitted I was clearly no trouble but that they had no choice to remove me. My mother kept all of my things including PPE for work so I lost the new job I had gotten and everything collapsed and I was literally homeless.
-aunt let me briefly stay at a trailer she had. I contacted that old friend from elementary school and she graciously took me in which is where I've been staying since.
I'm looking at the mountain I have to climb to get back on my feet even though I don't actually want to live. It's been 4 years since the injury and I can't do anything physically anymore without tremendous pain. The slightest tasks are mountains for me now and I hate every aspect of being alive. I am a burden and that will never change.
I had a friend from here that had shared an SN source with me a couple years back but there was too much chaos to pursue, I didn't even have a mailing address it wouldn't be intercepted at and I had no money for a PO box. I also got prescribed a medication I thought might help but it didn't and I wanted to give things a shot. I've been trying for so long.
That friend has disappeared from the internet now and I have no way of contacting them or the SN source. I've tried to receive MAID but am being denied. I know they're allowing mental health as a condition in 2027 but that's not guaranteed and I can't wait that long anymore. I have German citizenship and have looked into Dignitas but it looks like they won't help me either because I'm young and my condition is non fatal.
In the case that the friend I live with right now is willing to support me long enough to get back on my feet, I desperately need to find SN now (it's not my preferred method, I'm scared the discomfort and turning blue will freak me out and I won't go through with it) but it's the only method I can imagine working. Everything else I'm either too squeamish for or is too complicated with my deteriorated mental state. I can't get a gun because of my mother lying about me to police and calling wellness checks on me as a weapon.
I won't kill myself at my friend's house, she's done too much for me that I never expected and I can't do that to her. I will get my own apartment first or if that fails, a hotel room (I know that is risky and also cruel to whoever finds me, but I can't do it to my friend, I love her platonically and I know this will already crush her). So since that will take some time I am restarting my search for an SN source now. Very soon, this week for sure, I will have a PO box I can get it mailed to.
I know the odds are low anyone on here will help me and I won't outright ask because I know that's against the rules. This is more of a vent post because I thought I had that old source in my back pocket. I will continue to try to either find a way to get a gun, possibly pursue Dignitas, or in the worst case wait until MAID is legalized for mental health. Maybe I can find another method. But at this point all my efforts will be concentrated on finding a new source, and finding an apartment now that I think I have a job lined up. If you are in the sharing mood, you would be alleviating a unfathomable amount of suffering.
This world is a cruel joke. I hate everything about my life and it can not end soon enough. Nothing I have tried has ever worked. It is always just a cruel trick to get me to suffer more and all I've ever done is suffer. I want it to be over. I need it to be over.
I don't know what to do with myself. I don't have the energy to do anything and I also know I can't stay still. I just want out so so fucking bad. Death doesn't scare me at all at this point. This body is a prison. I hate it. I have the health of a man in his late 70s in my late 20s.
Please take mercy on me. And Sam, I am so, so sorry in advance. You deserved so much better. You are the only person in my life to ever show me kindness. To see me and believe in me. I wish I could overcome this and be there for you. I know you don't see me as a burden and will never see this so you'll never understand. I won't ask you to forgive me. I don't deserve it after everything you've done for me. All I can say is that I love you as the family I no longer have. I wish you all the best and although I know you will be haunted by reminders of me, I hope someday you can mostly forget about me and have a happy life. You deserve that. You deserve it more than anyone I've ever known. I am so, so sorry. I am a horrible friend.
There is no way I'll probably ever have he energy to fully describe to justice just how horrific my life is but I'll just do a bullet point list here should anyone feel enough sympathy and be well connected enough to help me find a way out.
-Am diagnosed with multiple mental health issues such as autism, ocd and ADHD that have made socializing and even just functioning almost impossible since I was a child. I've always been the source of everyone around me's problems.
-Have pretty much always had a distinct dissatisfaction with life since I was about 8 or 9 or so which has only ever gotten exponentially worse over time.
-Have been isolated and bullied my entire life (obv less bullied since leaving school, I'm in my late 20's, but any social group I find myself in I'm always at the bottom). I had one friend in elementary school but then my parents switched schools on me against my will due to the bullying (which didn't stop at the new school as I predicted) which caused that friendship to wither and die
-I've suffered with MANY (as in about 10) physically debilitating health issues since I've been about 18 or so including limited mobility, chronic pain, extreme discomfort, bathroom issues, arthritis, many issues affecting the ability to sleep (and I've already been a lifelong insomniac since earliest childhood), and more.
-Tried to move abroad to change my fortunes in 2018 which ended in disaster due to a mix of the health issues, COVID (the resulting lockdowns fucking with education and doctors appointments, not contracting it), and my family abandoning me, ultimately leading to me being kicked out and losing everything-everything I've ever owned, any progress made educationally, having to start over on health issues, lost my first and only significant girlfriend, and being made to live with my abusive mother
-Said mother terrorized me and made my life a living hell for over a year
-I've always thought about suicide, but in November 2021 I had a horrible injury which made me suicidal like nothing ever has before. As usual doctors won't do anything and life is unbearable since and I can barely function. My body is now deformed and barely functional and it will never get better. Doctors have essentially barred me as a hypochondriac and neither will the government grant me MAID (I'm Canadian). I'm not sure if the diagnosis I have is accurate but if it is the issue is literally untreatable and everyone online who has it is suicidal.
-After being forced to move out from my mother's I had to get a horribly miserable midnights factory job which I worked for over a year which was physically strenuous and I got injured even further making life truly horrific and unbearable and I've not been able to think about anything but suicide ever since.
-Apartment I was living at illegally evicted me and yet despite doing all due diligence with every legal source beforehand the courts did nothing and I was robbed of all the little savings I had built up including 1000 dollars in pre paid rent for the next month and about 200 dollars worth of groceries.
-Mother did not let me come back so I had to live with a drunk in a rat infested basement in an "room" of plywood walls in their cat piss stained basement the size of two twin beds. I was still working the midnights job because it was all I could find and never got any sleep. Eventually the drunk lost it at me one night when he was wasted over nothing and kicked me out also taking 650 I had paid for next month's rent and again costing me any savings I had in starting over.
-Mother took me back but made my life 10x the hell as before, making me sleep o the floor (I had an air mattress but she wouldn't let me set it up) and didnt let me shower. Every single day threatening to make me homeless. Also still working the job and getting no sleep.
-Found a place in August 2024 and moved in and finally went on medical leave for my job only for them to fire me without telling me in October and lying about when I stopped working so I couldn't get unemployment. I lost the apartment in July of this year.
-Mother pretended to take me back only to call the police on me for no reason while I was gone less than a month after me staying there. The police admitted I was clearly no trouble but that they had no choice to remove me. My mother kept all of my things including PPE for work so I lost the new job I had gotten and everything collapsed and I was literally homeless.
-aunt let me briefly stay at a trailer she had. I contacted that old friend from elementary school and she graciously took me in which is where I've been staying since.
I'm looking at the mountain I have to climb to get back on my feet even though I don't actually want to live. It's been 4 years since the injury and I can't do anything physically anymore without tremendous pain. The slightest tasks are mountains for me now and I hate every aspect of being alive. I am a burden and that will never change.
I had a friend from here that had shared an SN source with me a couple years back but there was too much chaos to pursue, I didn't even have a mailing address it wouldn't be intercepted at and I had no money for a PO box. I also got prescribed a medication I thought might help but it didn't and I wanted to give things a shot. I've been trying for so long.
That friend has disappeared from the internet now and I have no way of contacting them or the SN source. I've tried to receive MAID but am being denied. I know they're allowing mental health as a condition in 2027 but that's not guaranteed and I can't wait that long anymore. I have German citizenship and have looked into Dignitas but it looks like they won't help me either because I'm young and my condition is non fatal.
In the case that the friend I live with right now is willing to support me long enough to get back on my feet, I desperately need to find SN now (it's not my preferred method, I'm scared the discomfort and turning blue will freak me out and I won't go through with it) but it's the only method I can imagine working. Everything else I'm either too squeamish for or is too complicated with my deteriorated mental state. I can't get a gun because of my mother lying about me to police and calling wellness checks on me as a weapon.
I won't kill myself at my friend's house, she's done too much for me that I never expected and I can't do that to her. I will get my own apartment first or if that fails, a hotel room (I know that is risky and also cruel to whoever finds me, but I can't do it to my friend, I love her platonically and I know this will already crush her). So since that will take some time I am restarting my search for an SN source now. Very soon, this week for sure, I will have a PO box I can get it mailed to.
I know the odds are low anyone on here will help me and I won't outright ask because I know that's against the rules. This is more of a vent post because I thought I had that old source in my back pocket. I will continue to try to either find a way to get a gun, possibly pursue Dignitas, or in the worst case wait until MAID is legalized for mental health. Maybe I can find another method. But at this point all my efforts will be concentrated on finding a new source, and finding an apartment now that I think I have a job lined up. If you are in the sharing mood, you would be alleviating a unfathomable amount of suffering.
This world is a cruel joke. I hate everything about my life and it can not end soon enough. Nothing I have tried has ever worked. It is always just a cruel trick to get me to suffer more and all I've ever done is suffer. I want it to be over. I need it to be over.
I don't know what to do with myself. I don't have the energy to do anything and I also know I can't stay still. I just want out so so fucking bad. Death doesn't scare me at all at this point. This body is a prison. I hate it. I have the health of a man in his late 70s in my late 20s.
Please take mercy on me. And Sam, I am so, so sorry in advance. You deserved so much better. You are the only person in my life to ever show me kindness. To see me and believe in me. I wish I could overcome this and be there for you. I know you don't see me as a burden and will never see this so you'll never understand. I won't ask you to forgive me. I don't deserve it after everything you've done for me. All I can say is that I love you as the family I no longer have. I wish you all the best and although I know you will be haunted by reminders of me, I hope someday you can mostly forget about me and have a happy life. You deserve that. You deserve it more than anyone I've ever known. I am so, so sorry. I am a horrible friend.
