I Had a Really Weird Experience Today

[KafkaF]

I had this extremely weird experience today...

For some context: I've been struggling with social anxiety, failure anxiety and depression on and off for over 10 years now. I'm currently in my worst and heaviest depression yet and my life has completely fallen apart. Some events two days ago made me finally decide yesterday that I'm going to start planning in detail how to end it. And right before going to sleep yesterday I was actually writing some notes on what I want to put in my suicide letter (I won't say note cuz it'll be long).

And then this morning when I woke up... I mentally didn't feel miserable. I wouldn't describe it as happiness. It wasn't that powerful. But it was almost a purely emotional sense of feeling okay and stable.

It felt in some way good, but in another way I felt really uncomfortable. It felt kind of like breaking out in laughter at a funeral. The way I felt didn't feel like it fit my situation or my thoughts at all. I started thinking again about how bad my situation was in detail but for some inexplicable reason it emotionally didn't bother me.

I even started thinking about maybe I should put in some more effort and I can turn things around for myself and make my life better. Though even in this odd state when I started thinking about that I still instantly felt that I didn't have the motivational energy to climb that mountain.

There was something else weird about it too... I'm not a big crier. I don't cry a lot, even when I want to cry. And when I do cry, I usually cry only a few tears. It's very rare for me to cry outright. I suspect mostly because as a kid I was punished for crying by my parents.

And yet for some reason why I was in this state I suddenly wanted to cry. But, again, it was an odd combination of behaviour and feelings. Because unlike most of the time I wasn't feeling that heavy misery and emptiness that I normally feel. I was feeling more okay than before and yet I came closer to crying than I have in many days or weeks. I think what I felt was just sadness at that point. And I think that's what made me want to cry. And when I say sadness I don't mean the dreary misery that comes with depression. I mean regular sadness. Although it could've also been the feeling better itself that made me cry. I honestly don't know, which should give you some idea of how confusing this state was.

I wanted to live more than I've wanted to live in months in this moment. And I didn't want to die anymore at all. It was like the complete opposite of what I felt the day before that, where I finally felt sure that I was ready to end it and could start planning in detail.

I felt optimism. Though tempered by the rational realization of how irreperably fucked up my life is.

It has been a really, really weird experience. And it shook me. And I have no idea where it came from.

It's also worth noting that I don't take any anti-depressants. So it wasn't medication kicking in or anything like that. All I take are vitamin D supplements and I took an ibuprofen for my headache yesterday morning, I think. And two days ago I was self-medicating with some vodka. But that's it.

I'm really confused and I don't know what to think of it or what to do with it. I don't think I have the mental energy to actually follow my optimistic impulses though.

Edit: I'm still experiencing some of it right now. Though less extreme than before. I feel an odd... happiness and optimism out of nowhere. But it feels really uncomfortable because it doesn't fit at all with my situation or what I know about it. And I still don't have the mental energy to act on it. It's really, really weird.

 

[Sleeper System]

I think you momentarily unburdened yourself subconciously.
Some would call it a sense of acceptance.
It could be brief. Hopefully, it lasts a lot longer. Rare moment.
Some come to this by hitting rock bottom. Only way left to go is up.
It's difficult to put into words but the feeling is the same.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm glad you had a positive experience in dark moments. Idk whether our situations can be compared or not but what I can say is that a while ago I was very suicidal and depressed (bc of external circumstances) and after a while (a few months) it was "difficult" to think about killing myself and that was a very strange feeling bc imo there was no reason to feel like that, I didn't even wish for death while sleeping every evening although my situation hasn't changed at all, just calmed down. I neither take meds nor therapy. So yes - in my opinion - a natural recovery is possible. Just to be clear here, I neither have energy to recover nor I'm actively trying to solve the problems that caused my deep depression and suicidal ideation last year. I have no energy and hope for that but the situation settled. Idk whether this is comparable to your situation.

 

[spring vainglory]

the reason is not the same for me so i cant have much insight on what yours could be, but i understand what you're feeling.
at one point recently i had so much agony that it hurt physically every day. i was positive death is right for me, but i was torn between choosing ctb or choosing to love my boyfriend, it was an awful feeling. so i made a mental shift. i would abandon my last reason for living and give myself a different, more tangible one. it worked i think. the meltdowns of agony and despair that would visit me frequently have become rare in comparison. i dont feel happy, but thinking about my life and how impossible it would be for me to succeed doesn't make me feel much of anything, unlike before where thinking about it would hurt so bad. i don't want to die anymore, im okay with being alive right now. somehow, i don't feel the depression and dread as intensely either.
for whatever reason, i guess you had a mental shit of some sort

 

[mortuarymary]

I had this extremely weird experience today...

For some context: I've been struggling with social anxiety, failure anxiety and depression on and off for over 10 years now. I'm currently in my worst and heaviest depression yet and my life has completely fallen apart. Some events two days ago made me finally decide yesterday that I'm going to start planning in detail how to end it. And right before going to sleep yesterday I was actually writing some notes on what I want to put in my suicide letter (I won't say note cuz it'll be long).

And then this morning when I woke up... I mentally didn't feel miserable. I wouldn't describe it as happiness. It wasn't that powerful. But it was almost a purely emotional sense of feeling okay and stable.

It felt in some way good, but in another way I felt really uncomfortable. It felt kind of like breaking out in laughter at a funeral. The way I felt didn't feel like it fit my situation or my thoughts at all. I started thinking again about how bad my situation was in detail but for some inexplicable reason it emotionally didn't bother me.

I even started thinking about maybe I should put in some more effort and I can turn things around for myself and make my life better. Though even in this odd state when I started thinking about that I still instantly felt that I didn't have the motivational energy to climb that mountain.

There was something else weird about it too... I'm not a big crier. I don't cry a lot, even when I want to cry. And when I do cry, I usually cry only a few tears. It's very rare for me to cry outright. I suspect mostly because as a kid I was punished for crying by my parents.

And yet for some reason why I was in this state I suddenly wanted to cry. But, again, it was an odd combination of behaviour and feelings. Because unlike most of the time I wasn't feeling that heavy misery and emptiness that I normally feel. I was feeling more okay than before and yet I came closer to crying than I have in many days or weeks. I think what I felt was just sadness at that point. And I think that's what made me want to cry. And when I say sadness I don't mean the dreary misery that comes with depression. I mean regular sadness. Although it could've also been the feeling better itself that made me cry. I honestly don't know, which should give you some idea of how confusing this state was.

I wanted to live more than I've wanted to live in months in this moment. And I didn't want to die anymore at all. It was like the complete opposite of what I felt the day before that, where I finally felt sure that I was ready to end it and could start planning in detail.

I felt optimism. Though tempered by the rational realization of how irreperably fucked up my life is.

It has been a really, really weird experience. And it shook me. And I have no idea where it came from.

It's also worth noting that I don't take any anti-depressants. So it wasn't medication kicking in or anything like that. All I take are vitamin D supplements and I took an ibuprofen for my headache yesterday morning, I think. And two days ago I was self-medicating with some vodka. But that's it.

I'm really confused and I don't know what to think of it or what to do with it. I don't think I have the mental energy to actually follow my optimistic impulses though.

Edit: I'm still experiencing some of it right now. Though less extreme than before. I feel an odd... happiness and optimism out of nowhere. But it feels really uncomfortable because it doesn't fit at all with my situation or what I know about it. And I still don't have the mental energy to act on it. It's really, really weird.

Maybe coming to terms and writing it down helped you.