Ok. So I fucked up. So there's this really interesting, cool comic called, "A Wonderful New World." It's NSFW. So I was reading it and one day I stayed up for 2 whole days reading it. I was passing in and out cause I was so sleepy. So then later I went to sleep. A few days later I realized my behavior was a little bit more sporadic. Then a few days later I got some eye pains. No big deal right? I've had this before so I thought it would go away. It didn't.
So I think, "Ok I'll just take it in strides I mean I'm pretty healthy and stuff. This is just like my night-night carotid artery attempt." The pains get worse. I also start noticing pressure in the left side of my body. Then some pains and tingles. I start to wonder if I should go to the doctor. A few weeks later I start seeing things in my vision, like dots and little lights and stuff. Now it's turned into some visual snow that actually looks like it's there.
A week passes (I think?) and now I start to get flashes of light in my eyes and it's harder to look at lights now. I also notice at night I get breathing problems and anxiety. At some point I get EXTREME, severe pain in my left eye. Now I have this kinda inflamed part under my left eye (which I can still see fine out of but it just hurts a lot). I also notice I get sleepier easier. Like really easy I can lie down and almost immediately I feel like I need to go to sleep.
So yeah as you can tell by the title this might just be my good bye post. I have to ask the mods not to get rid of my account yet because I'm not sure if I'll recover from this. I say this because I know there is no way I can kill myself with my SN because it's way too risky. I have no idea what would happen if I drank SN with my condition. Also the only way I can drink my SN is by doing it outside which is extremely hard because I have a family that watches me like a hawk.
So the only option I have left is hanging which.... or going to the hospital and probably becoming mentally retarded if I'm ever given surgery. Who knows I might even end up brain dead. And at that point I might just get thrown into a mental hospital. So I guess this is goodbye.
And the thing is I KNOW what's happening to my body. It's getting harder to think, I'm getting sleepier, getting spasms in my body and eyelids, I'm gaining so much white hairs on my head. I'm getting brain death.
You know.... none of this would have happened if I learned about controlling my emotions and become mentally healthy and stable early on in my life. I was recently reading stuff about mental health and I feel like everyone here should watch that stuff. In my opinion. I'm not saying it helps everyone in their situations because everyone is different but I dunno it can help alleviate you, help you become a little better. Like they have ways of showing you how to regulate your emotions and I never knew how to do that before.
And if I learned about mental health early on in life then maybe I would've learned how to be happy while alone and never being lonely. Maybe I would've still been suicidal but I would've had enough self-awareness to realize that I should've just kept that to myself and not even THOUGHT about suicide at that point in time, just chill. Just relax. And maybe I would've learned how to be happy by myself, with myself so that I could have learned how to express my ideas online (and perhaps to the family members who wanted to know what I was doing) in a healthy way. Of course one thing I never should've done was say, "Hey guys I'm making a video game." Never say that unless you have actual progress, can back it up, and it's nearly completed or a good way into development. And then I wouldn't have a lack of self-awareness and poor judgment so I wouldn't have done all the stupid shit in my life. Like at that point I would've known how to get a job and not be afraid of getting a job. That way I wouldn't have searched up all kinds of crazy things like paypal generators and making money online.
I would've learned to say something like this to my family: "Hey before I get a job let me focus on my mental health and being a better person. Oh and also... chill out with the putting me into school thing. Relax a little because I'd need A LOT of time to seriously consider it because I know with who I am getting a career is impossible so I'd need to change to be able to even think of getting a career. And frankly after I fix my emotional/mental state let me just focus on getting a job so I can help you guys pay the bills" Maybe then things would've been a lot healthier instead of being forced into a community college and then being mocked and stared at angrily when I dropped out due to fear and anxiety.
And at some point I had enough money to get a shotgun and the gun shop near where I live would've still been open and maybe I would've been able to kill myself so easily while keeping all this from my family.
Oh and of course I never would've had such a terrible time in school. I mean don't get me wrong high school/middle school still would have been murder but at least it would've been more bearable if I had better control of my emotions and mental health. I should've learned how to say no. I think that's also where I went wrong but also not to become overconfident and rage filled for no reason.
Anyways I'm not sure what's going to happen to me now. I guess in closing in my opinion everyone here before you think of suicide maybe try to focus on your mental health first. This isn't a pro-life statement, I strongly believe suicide should be a healthy decision, I think it is a healthy decision but it can become a problem when it becomes an obsession AND when you don't know how to control your emotions or when you need to get over trauma. Suicide should never be impulsive, Some of the lucky ones have done impulsive suicide and succeeded and I wish I was one of them. Others? Not so much.
And if you're in a scary situation maybe see what you can do to get yourself out of it first or at the very least research an extremely good suicide method that works most of the time and you have faith in. I'm not saying to not kill yourself, I'm just saying you should probably think it out first. You could hang yourself without proper research and end up messing up. You don't want that. Or you could drink SN and then end up screaming or alerting someone you live with and then they call the ambulance and it's all over for you at that point. I'm not fear mongering I'm just giving my honest to god opinion. Not being judgmental. All I'm saying is be careful.
So I think, "Ok I'll just take it in strides I mean I'm pretty healthy and stuff. This is just like my night-night carotid artery attempt." The pains get worse. I also start noticing pressure in the left side of my body. Then some pains and tingles. I start to wonder if I should go to the doctor. A few weeks later I start seeing things in my vision, like dots and little lights and stuff. Now it's turned into some visual snow that actually looks like it's there.
A week passes (I think?) and now I start to get flashes of light in my eyes and it's harder to look at lights now. I also notice at night I get breathing problems and anxiety. At some point I get EXTREME, severe pain in my left eye. Now I have this kinda inflamed part under my left eye (which I can still see fine out of but it just hurts a lot). I also notice I get sleepier easier. Like really easy I can lie down and almost immediately I feel like I need to go to sleep.
So yeah as you can tell by the title this might just be my good bye post. I have to ask the mods not to get rid of my account yet because I'm not sure if I'll recover from this. I say this because I know there is no way I can kill myself with my SN because it's way too risky. I have no idea what would happen if I drank SN with my condition. Also the only way I can drink my SN is by doing it outside which is extremely hard because I have a family that watches me like a hawk.
So the only option I have left is hanging which.... or going to the hospital and probably becoming mentally retarded if I'm ever given surgery. Who knows I might even end up brain dead. And at that point I might just get thrown into a mental hospital. So I guess this is goodbye.
And the thing is I KNOW what's happening to my body. It's getting harder to think, I'm getting sleepier, getting spasms in my body and eyelids, I'm gaining so much white hairs on my head. I'm getting brain death.
You know.... none of this would have happened if I learned about controlling my emotions and become mentally healthy and stable early on in my life. I was recently reading stuff about mental health and I feel like everyone here should watch that stuff. In my opinion. I'm not saying it helps everyone in their situations because everyone is different but I dunno it can help alleviate you, help you become a little better. Like they have ways of showing you how to regulate your emotions and I never knew how to do that before.
And if I learned about mental health early on in life then maybe I would've learned how to be happy while alone and never being lonely. Maybe I would've still been suicidal but I would've had enough self-awareness to realize that I should've just kept that to myself and not even THOUGHT about suicide at that point in time, just chill. Just relax. And maybe I would've learned how to be happy by myself, with myself so that I could have learned how to express my ideas online (and perhaps to the family members who wanted to know what I was doing) in a healthy way. Of course one thing I never should've done was say, "Hey guys I'm making a video game." Never say that unless you have actual progress, can back it up, and it's nearly completed or a good way into development. And then I wouldn't have a lack of self-awareness and poor judgment so I wouldn't have done all the stupid shit in my life. Like at that point I would've known how to get a job and not be afraid of getting a job. That way I wouldn't have searched up all kinds of crazy things like paypal generators and making money online.
I would've learned to say something like this to my family: "Hey before I get a job let me focus on my mental health and being a better person. Oh and also... chill out with the putting me into school thing. Relax a little because I'd need A LOT of time to seriously consider it because I know with who I am getting a career is impossible so I'd need to change to be able to even think of getting a career. And frankly after I fix my emotional/mental state let me just focus on getting a job so I can help you guys pay the bills" Maybe then things would've been a lot healthier instead of being forced into a community college and then being mocked and stared at angrily when I dropped out due to fear and anxiety.
And at some point I had enough money to get a shotgun and the gun shop near where I live would've still been open and maybe I would've been able to kill myself so easily while keeping all this from my family.
Oh and of course I never would've had such a terrible time in school. I mean don't get me wrong high school/middle school still would have been murder but at least it would've been more bearable if I had better control of my emotions and mental health. I should've learned how to say no. I think that's also where I went wrong but also not to become overconfident and rage filled for no reason.
Anyways I'm not sure what's going to happen to me now. I guess in closing in my opinion everyone here before you think of suicide maybe try to focus on your mental health first. This isn't a pro-life statement, I strongly believe suicide should be a healthy decision, I think it is a healthy decision but it can become a problem when it becomes an obsession AND when you don't know how to control your emotions or when you need to get over trauma. Suicide should never be impulsive, Some of the lucky ones have done impulsive suicide and succeeded and I wish I was one of them. Others? Not so much.
And if you're in a scary situation maybe see what you can do to get yourself out of it first or at the very least research an extremely good suicide method that works most of the time and you have faith in. I'm not saying to not kill yourself, I'm just saying you should probably think it out first. You could hang yourself without proper research and end up messing up. You don't want that. Or you could drink SN and then end up screaming or alerting someone you live with and then they call the ambulance and it's all over for you at that point. I'm not fear mongering I'm just giving my honest to god opinion. Not being judgmental. All I'm saying is be careful.
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