I guess this is goodbye (Pong Pong) Is it going to be extraordinarily painful?

[LittleJem]

Actually, I decided not to use this method. I'm pissed off at spending over $100. But it is what it is.

New York just legalized marijuana so I'm going to hold off and if I do decide to proceed with euthanizing myself, it'll most likely be SN. I would want a pain free death. (Thank you!)

I'm going to continue to try and find surgeons to help me.

Hurrah for legalising marijuana!!! I hope it makes you feel better. I am (somewhat) autistic I think, though not diagnosed. MJ helps me so much.

I am sorry for all of your pain and thinking of you.

Yes, if you can, worth waiting. What do you like and enjoy in life and what would you like to experience?

I'm not a pro lifer by the way, I suffered for over twenty years with depression, agitation and constant suicidal thoughts. So far, I've been feeling better about 3 weeks and I never know how long that will last, as my illness is chronic. But right now, my life is much better, though still a fight.

Other peopel kept me in the fight, though I was darn tired of it. And I will definitely find an exit if my illness returns as it was. But nevertheless, if you think there is anything worth waiting for, then please do so. I'd put xxx but never know if that is appropriate on this forum! Big hugs.

 

[Evolutionary_Mistake]

I'm not sure what to think, tbh.

 

[Brink]

What you've gone through is nothing short of medical abuse and torture. Medicine has pushed you down a harmful pathway that has gaslighted and maimed you. I know it won't help, but I am so sorry for what you're going through.

Are you AGP male or same-sex attracted? Ignore me if I'm over-prying.

I'm a gay effeminate male who had mental health problems from a dysfunctional family, and it's worrying to think of younger people in similar situations today who might be pressured to become quasi-straight-women. Medicine is out of control.

There are many 'gender critical' organisations springing up from a wide variety of communities and perspectives. Maybe getting involved and using your experience to help others might be pain-relieving for you and bide you some time in the hope of moving forward with your medical team and surgeons.

I wish you the best of luck. X

 

[Evolutionary_Mistake]

Update:

The Vice President of my insurance company said that he has good relationships and connections with the surgeons in-network, and within the next 6 months he's going to get me a consultation for breast removal, and provided that I continue my sessions in therapy and continue to see my Case Manager of my Supportive Housing program, he and my mental health team will re-engage surgeons to help me repair my genital area by next year; he says that he doesn't think I'm unrepairable.

So, I'm having a hard time deciding what I want to do. I guess I'm mad that I received a glance of hope today, after 4 years of failure, but that probably doesn't make any sense. It's almost like I wanted to hear the absolute worst news possible so I could say, "Well this is it for me. Goodbye."

The waiting sucks, but compared to nothingness and my uncertainty of an afterlife, I guess I can wait a little longer and see what happens. I just want improvements in my life.

What do you think I should do? Is it worth waiting?

It's just difficult to tell if they're lying to me or being genuine with me.

 

[Evolutionary_Mistake]

Something I wrote.

 

[Evolutionary_Mistake]

Today I was blindsided…

I spoke to a surgeon today to remove my breasts, he said that everything was alright. But then I had one of my Mental Health team call them and he said that he doesn't know where I fall on the "gender scale", doesn't think my letters are genuine, doesn't think I'm "getting the care" "I need", despite letters to the contrary, and then he said that I threatened Dr. Kressel at Metropolitan Hospital. I never have! All I said was that "I hope someone bombs your office and kills everyone in this shitty hospital for leaving me in pain for 4 days and then calling the police on me for getting up out of bed to use the bathroom without ridiculously asking for permission!"

When asked how to move forward, they wanted me to see a few psychiatrists when I already saw a therapist, but that's not enough apparently. I said no. Then I fired my therapist, my doctor, and my insurance company. I don't like being blindsided, but that's whatever. It is what it is. This is my life and I have no one to blame but myself. I allowed this. I have no time for all these excuses to not help me.

I'm tired of being a joke and living in constant embarrassment.

Also, screw autism. The suicide statistics are right. Too bad there's no euthanasia for people like us. I have decided that I'm going to be ending my life with SN on this weekend. I'm tired of being a joke and living in constant embarrassment.

 

[Evolutionary_Mistake]

It sounds like they just wanted to keep me alive, so I just fired my therapist, my insurance company, and even my Primary doctor just because. Everyone's fucking fired! Lying pieces of shit.

 

[Evolutionary_Mistake]

So it's midnight now, which means it's Friday. I will be taking Metoclopramide (Reglan) at 8AM, then 4PM, and then again at 12am.

Then on Saturday, the same schedule, except at 11:30pm I'll take 2 x 500 Acetaminophen (1000mg) and 3 x 10mg Metoclopramide (Reglan) (30mg) Then at 11:50pm, I'll take 200mg Tagamet (Cimetidine OTC). I'll probably take 7 of them, which is 800mg. And by 12AM, I'll take the SN (25g dissolved in 50ml water (with another glass prepared just in case). I also bought Listerine Freshburst mouthwash. I'm really hoping that this masks the taste. I'm really hoping I don't immediately throw up. I'm really hoping it's relatively peaceful and that I don't wake up again. I'm kinda nervous at the thought that it will trigger an asthma attack, but my asthma is mild to moderate. I'm really hoping that it doesn't cause any unbearable pain either. I'm definitely feeling nervous...

I'm hoping that this will be a successful way out and that I'll no longer be suffering.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I'm truly sorry it has to end like this for you. None of us deserves this kind of finale. I hope you know what you're doing… and I hope you'll find your freedom

 

[Evolutionary_Mistake]

I'm truly sorry it has to end like this for you. None of us deserves this kind of finale. I hope you know what you're doing… and I hope you'll find your freedom

Thank you. But no, I don't know what I'm doing. I have some measuring cups and 50ml marked glasses. The SN is *supposed* to be potent and >97%. I've already opened it up a few times though.

One of my biggest concern is being able to swallow it without spitting it out. I've always hated salty drinks tbh. But hopefully I'll be able to keep it down. My stomach is a little sensitive and I do struggle with Irritable Down syndrome since the colon-"vaginoplasty" surgery in 2019.

My other biggest concern is hoping that there's a Heaven with honey waterfalls, and unlimited amount of cannabis lol.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

You sound like you actually know what you're doing and what you want…..
It also seems that you're ready since you're about to take the final step. Am I wrong?

 

[Evolutionary_Mistake]

You sound like you actually know what you're doing and what you want…..
It also seems that you're ready since you're about to take the final step. Am I wrong?

No one wants to die... Everyone just wants to improve their lives, but sometimes it's impossible to improve anything.

Sometimes their bodies remain severely mutilated and no matter how hard it is to accept the facts; no one's coming to save you. Living a low quality life with chronic pain and social isolation isn't worth it. Walking up everyday in the same situation and same damaged body isn't worth it, and especially if you're autistic. Life's already hard as it is not being able to be active or productive for someone my age.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I'm really sorry you're going through so much. I didn't know….but I totally get "life not being worth it" concept. I feel the same, having myself I presume less issues.

 

[Evolutionary_Mistake]

I don't have Propranolol or any beta blockers. I'm hoping it won't be too painful or too intense. But I do have Ativan for anxiety.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I don't have Propranolol or any beta blockers. I'm hoping it won't be too painful or too intense. But I do have Ativan for anxiety.

Are you absolutely certain about this?

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Go away. It doesn't matter what I want...

I'm sorry if I've upset
I was just trying to help/support

 

[Last chance]

Are the measuring cups specifically made to measure sn?

 

[TowerUpright]

Are the measuring cups specifically made to measure sn?

Might I ask why the cups have to be specifically for SN? I really don't think that's necessary. And I can not imagine why you need specific measuring cups. Never heard of that before.

 

[Last chance]

Might I ask why the cups have to be specifically for SN? I really don't think that's necessary. And I can not imagine why you need specific measuring cups. Never heard of that before.

Because you measure SN by weight and different volumes of different powders will weigh different amounts.

For example a measuring cup full of flour will not weigh the same as a measuring cup full of powdered lead.

Cups measure volume not weight.

 

[In2TheVoid]

I wish you peace if you decide to go through with it... I read your posts and it sounds like an incredibly hard situation

 

[Evolutionary_Mistake]

I wish you peace if you decide to go through with it... I read your posts and it sounds like an incredibly hard situation

I'm starting to really regret cussing out my previous surgeons, because now they're saying they're afraid of me, or that I'm not well, etc. And I absolutely hate psychiatrists, but I'm hoping to find someone who can be on my side and convince these surgeons to help me.

I'm so tempted to just call it quits, but I don't think I'm going to yet.

I wish you peace if you decide to go through with it... I read your posts and it sounds like an incredibly hard situation

My life consists of looking both ways before crossing the street... and then I get hit with an airplane.

 

[Evolutionary_Mistake]

Wish somebody could just tell me what to do.

 

[Evolutionary_Mistake]

I'm done. The medical and psychiatric community is fake AF.

It's happening. Tonight. If I keep waiting, there's only going to be more suffering and more suffering, and that's not worth it.

I have to work the courage to do this tonight. I haven't eaten all day, either.

I haven't eaten anything since midnight last night. I have been taking Reglan since yesterday, and I'll take another one at 4PM. Then at 11:50PM, taking 3 Reglans (30mg) and 4 Cimetidines OTC (Tagamet) (800mg).

I'm really scared. But I don't foresee myself having a successful life, so I know I'm making the right decision. I hope God will forgive me.

 

[Evolutionary_Mistake]

Okay, here is a Teaspoons to Grams Conversion Table. I'm confused. I get confused easily. Please don't confuse me. :(



Can someone tell me if all I have to do is fill the measuring cup with SN to the 6tsp mark for it to be 25 grams?

 

[Last chance]

Sn isnt listed on that table so it's not really any use. If I were going to to it I would use scales to measure out 25g.

 

[Evolutionary_Mistake]

Sn isnt listed on that table so it's not really any use. If I were going to to it I would use scales to measure out 25g.

Don't have time to get one.

 

[Last chance]

I don't know how much a teaspoon of SN weighs sorry.

 

[Evolutionary_Mistake]

I fucking hate math.

1 teaspoon is 4.2 grams right? 25 / 4.2 = 5.95. So, 25 grams equals to about 6 teaspoons?

 

[Last chance]

1 teaspoon of sugar is 4.2g yeah but SN and sugar dont weigh the same as far as I know.

 

[Evolutionary_Mistake]

1 teaspoon of sugar is 4.2g yeah but SN and sugar dont weigh the same as far as I know.

So maybe just fill it to the 5tsp mark then?