I think it is noble that you don't want to introduce someone into your life and you into theirs that could potentially be harmed by your suicide. In the end, I think the lack of attachment to people will make it easier for me.
KTbear
This Be The Verse
- Dec 15, 2021
- 80
I haven't been in a relationship for the last 26 years and don't plan to. The first one ruined me and I can't risk going through that again so I've decided to be alone. It would be nice to have a partner - someone to talk to and look at the stars with me at night, but for me it will always be a pipe dream I try to put out of my mind.
WearyHSP
Student
- Dec 12, 2021
- 164
I wouldn't be suicidal if I had love in my life.
I absolutely believe I'm worthy of love, so I'm in the minority on this thread. And I feel so bad hearing so many of you who think you aren't lovable. Though I doubt that could be true for the most part, I'm not judging anyone, we all have different situations and crosses to bear.
And, I'm old... I've had a lot of time to learn, and practice. I did a ton of online dating in my late 30s and early 40s. I was attractive, hard working, active etc. Still there was never a good match for me. Four things I've learned:
1. By some miracle I got in a "zone" and for several months men stopped in the street to ask me out. They asked me in line at the store, outside of the gym, pretty much everywhere I went it was moths to the flame that was me. This taught me that if you get in the right mindset, (I'm metaphysical so I'd say, get in a good "vibe") you become literally magnetic. That didn't mean I met a good match but even getting attention is a foot in the door and an opportunity to practice social skills.
2. A man hasn't even looked at me for a decade now and I'm well aware that the vibe I'm giving off now isn't welcoming or attractive. It doesn't matter a bit what I look like, everywhere I go I'm invisible. I've said hello to a neighbor by name 8 times, (BTW, not interested in him) and he continues to respond as if I'm a gnat buzzing around his head. SO, vibe is long gone. I'm older for sure, but for my age, I'm decent looking, non threatening and congenial. AND, I can't get myself back into that vibe, it's beyond my reach now since my life is so small and I can't muster up enough confidence because I'm too isolated and alone.
3. Lastly, I've discovered that trauma patterns repeat themselves and each time I've fallen in love, which hasn't been often, he's turned into a jekyll-hyde; suddenly and drastically. I've had 5 people in the last decade who were self aware enough to tell me that they either had a negative thought or feeling about me that came from outside of them, as if some external force was steering them clear of me. (Isolation is to me the worst!) I know, it sounds like science fiction but I've pieced together so many bits of these trauma patterns over a too-long lifetime and it's just the truth. I can't explain how or why it happens because I don't know the mechanics. I have some theories though. Let's just say, it's akin to being cursed. The last jekyll-hyde event was so frightening and heart breaking that I vowed not to try anymore.
4. People are generally self-absorbed, shallow and too busy/overwhelmed with life that someone who is complex, is good ways imo like me, are too much work. I rarely meet people I want to have conversations with because they're so empty. At the same time I yearn for connection. It's so rare and when I find it, whether romantic or not, that jekyll-hyde phenomenon, or sudden rejection for no reason I can find, like literally overnight inevitably happens. It feels like a curse to me. I've never heard of anyone who has this kind of weird, repeat trauma pattern.
I know - always long threads from Weary HSP. I guess I have too much to say and no one who wants to listen!
I think we have much higher expectations for love than did our parents, and grandparents. My parents played their role. 3 months after my father died my mother started dating again, that was after 51 years of marriage. I'd NEVER want that kind of phony relationship.
That said, because I want a balanced (neither one controls the other), authentic relationship, which is romantic but clearly friendship based, it's almost impossible to find a person who fits that bill. Especially now that I'm too sick to work, so on paper I look like a total failure.
People are shockingly shallow, insincere and self-absorbed. Agree with the selfie mentality of witless likes that are meaningless, but get attention. But who would want to be with those those kinds of people anyway? Yuck! I'm just sad there are so many of them and so few authentic, empathetic, curious people left in the world... at least MY world.
I absolutely believe I'm worthy of love, so I'm in the minority on this thread. And I feel so bad hearing so many of you who think you aren't lovable. Though I doubt that could be true for the most part, I'm not judging anyone, we all have different situations and crosses to bear.
And, I'm old... I've had a lot of time to learn, and practice. I did a ton of online dating in my late 30s and early 40s. I was attractive, hard working, active etc. Still there was never a good match for me. Four things I've learned:
1. By some miracle I got in a "zone" and for several months men stopped in the street to ask me out. They asked me in line at the store, outside of the gym, pretty much everywhere I went it was moths to the flame that was me. This taught me that if you get in the right mindset, (I'm metaphysical so I'd say, get in a good "vibe") you become literally magnetic. That didn't mean I met a good match but even getting attention is a foot in the door and an opportunity to practice social skills.
2. A man hasn't even looked at me for a decade now and I'm well aware that the vibe I'm giving off now isn't welcoming or attractive. It doesn't matter a bit what I look like, everywhere I go I'm invisible. I've said hello to a neighbor by name 8 times, (BTW, not interested in him) and he continues to respond as if I'm a gnat buzzing around his head. SO, vibe is long gone. I'm older for sure, but for my age, I'm decent looking, non threatening and congenial. AND, I can't get myself back into that vibe, it's beyond my reach now since my life is so small and I can't muster up enough confidence because I'm too isolated and alone.
3. Lastly, I've discovered that trauma patterns repeat themselves and each time I've fallen in love, which hasn't been often, he's turned into a jekyll-hyde; suddenly and drastically. I've had 5 people in the last decade who were self aware enough to tell me that they either had a negative thought or feeling about me that came from outside of them, as if some external force was steering them clear of me. (Isolation is to me the worst!) I know, it sounds like science fiction but I've pieced together so many bits of these trauma patterns over a too-long lifetime and it's just the truth. I can't explain how or why it happens because I don't know the mechanics. I have some theories though. Let's just say, it's akin to being cursed. The last jekyll-hyde event was so frightening and heart breaking that I vowed not to try anymore.
4. People are generally self-absorbed, shallow and too busy/overwhelmed with life that someone who is complex, is good ways imo like me, are too much work. I rarely meet people I want to have conversations with because they're so empty. At the same time I yearn for connection. It's so rare and when I find it, whether romantic or not, that jekyll-hyde phenomenon, or sudden rejection for no reason I can find, like literally overnight inevitably happens. It feels like a curse to me. I've never heard of anyone who has this kind of weird, repeat trauma pattern.
I know - always long threads from Weary HSP. I guess I have too much to say and no one who wants to listen!
I think we have much higher expectations for love than did our parents, and grandparents. My parents played their role. 3 months after my father died my mother started dating again, that was after 51 years of marriage. I'd NEVER want that kind of phony relationship.
That said, because I want a balanced (neither one controls the other), authentic relationship, which is romantic but clearly friendship based, it's almost impossible to find a person who fits that bill. Especially now that I'm too sick to work, so on paper I look like a total failure.
People are shockingly shallow, insincere and self-absorbed. Agree with the selfie mentality of witless likes that are meaningless, but get attention. But who would want to be with those those kinds of people anyway? Yuck! I'm just sad there are so many of them and so few authentic, empathetic, curious people left in the world... at least MY world.
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I see your point, which is valid, I believe. Could we solve this problem for future generations somehow? I'm a small-government person myself, so I always think that the state shouldn't intervene in personal affairs, but perhaps China was on to something with their 1 child policy? I mean, with this approach, we could limit the number of men who are being born, and in so doing, prevent much of the misery that plagues our world today.
It's generally accepted, from what I have heard, that a surplus of men doesn't only result in misery for the left-over men, but left-over men can also be removed by starting wars or recruiting them into terrorist groups, so wouldn't it be best to just prevent all that by simply not letting those men be born in the first place?
You are explaining the dating dynamics between men and women clearly here, even if you may not realize it. I'm assuming that you are a woman, but you can tell me if that's wrong.
The core problem between the genders seems to be - from what I have understood - is that Low Value Men approach and try to date any woman at all, and most often fail. Those women, in turn, approach and seek the attention of High Value Men, who, in turn, can choose any woman that they want, and don't even have to settle down with any one woman, which results in the women being disappointed in those High Value Men, while also thinking that all Low Value Men should keep away.
One of the conflict points between today's men and women is that men don't want to date a hard-working woman, since there is a fear that the woman will likely leave them eventually. Another conflict point is that women are achieving higher educational levels than men today, which renders most men Low Value Men. A third conflict point is that people today are imbued by the thought that they can accomplish anything they want at any point in their life, which is untrue. What I mean to say is not that it's impossible for women to find a significant other in their 40s or 50s, but that men usually date down in terms of age, while women usually do the opposite, while also trying to find a man who earns more than themselves, so men and women are basically removing each other from their own dating prospects.
With this said, I don't want to blame High Value Men for their odd behavior, or the women for their wish to only date those High Value Men - but, rather, to just say that the situation would probably be different if there weren't so many Low Value Men, and if the balance between men and women in total numbers was equal.
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Pluto
Meowing to go out
- Dec 27, 2020
- 3,856
Certain political science theories have correlated wars with a surplus of young men. Initial sparks of war, such as Gavrilo Princip or 9/11 are possible examples, though of course this risks grossly oversimplifying historical events.
I wouldn't want to put my name to any philosophy that reduces humans to numbers and seeks to reduce the numbers by any inhumane means.
Humanity's problems would be solved if it were simply OK to have honest discussions about big-picture issues. We are all familiar with the euthanasia debate here, which currently is suppressed because there are slippery slopes that make people uncomfortable. Then there is the question of whether childbirth should be encouraged/expected (including people who regret having children being censored).
Then there is the question of the environment, the Holocene mass extinction event and the Earth's carrying capacity. We simply turn a blind eye to these issues or associate them with various fringe political movements. Divorcing from reality is rarely a good idea.
There is a lot of truth to your assessment, except that it is overlooking a massive elephant in the room: the definition of a high value man is not simply predetermined by factors like money, looks and social status. Social skills like humour and subtle cockiness in men seem to roughly equate to physical attractiveness in women. The huge mistake made by the majority of men is projecting their own way of thinking onto women and assuming that women just want a partner who is agreeable, friendly and practical.
It seems that humans have historically formed hierarchies with a minority at the top able to attract so many partners that they inevitably suffer from the superficiality of it. The majority would likely end up with someone, while a further minority would be partnerless.
Today, however, a lot of young men aren't even leaving the house due to video games. The normalisation of obesity is another factor distorting the picture. And social media/porn is resulting in attractive people getting millions of 'views' or 'likes', taking the superficial factor to a whole new level.
To wrap up, this boils down to the same thing as my previous comment: people need to have grown-up discussions. Contrary to the views of mainstream left-leaning media, schools need to actually teach young men how to interact competently with women, rather than obsessing with the narrative of women being victims of male aggression (which implies that a good man is an asexual man).
I used to work in childcare and women make up 93% of employees, meaning a lot of children have never even interacted with a man, let alone had any role models or bonding. I was certainly popular, but I gave it up because I felt excluded by many of my female colleagues. The mistakes we make start from an early age.
I couldn't agree more.
As I understand it, you are describing the Nice Guy syndrome, which I also grew up with, thanks to movies and adults who always said that all that was needed in life is to be a good person. I also spent all my free time playing video games when I was younger, and the sexual education in school was all about the mechanics of sex and the prevention of child birth, and it didn't teach anything about the sexual/social dynamics between men and women. With such a system in place, society may produce a lot of boys who grow up into dysfunctional men - not that they are dangerous - but, rather, they may find out that they have no place in society, when it's too late.
What's unfortunate today is that some men blame women for their own shortcomings, when it was the adults in their own childhood who should have prepared them for adult life better, all along.
WearyHSP
Student
- Dec 12, 2021
- 164
You get to have your opinions of course. It appears you've projected a host of beliefs onto me that aren't true. I get the difference between looking at one person at a time versus looking at a trend, but if you look at me, then your theory is oversimplified.
I've dated a variety of ethnicities, education levels, physical body types and those who've been financially successful but mostly those who have not. The last man I was with was obese and had a heart condition so was on the brink of going on Disability. At that time I was a hottie. So, your theory of women only wanting the high end men is wrong in this circumstance. I fell in love with the conversations we had and the depth of understanding he shared with me. However, like a flip of a switch, he jekyll-hyded me.
I've been raised to be a victim by my parents, everything I've learned about self-esteem and confidence I learned on my own, I did my work. That said, I refuse to be with a man who is suddenly abusive. So that was the end of that. AND, that's been a pattern in my life. It's happened 5 times. That's a different story that I'm not going into here because I'd have to detail the very dark levels of abuse and the patterns that have repeated themselves in science fiction ways that are beyond my understanding.
When I was dating online, I found that 80% of the men lied. (perhaps that's the same percentage for women lying, but I wouldn't know.) I was always, only honest. Because I'm empathic, I can feel when people are lying. It's really uncomfortable. Why lie when you're looking for a relationship of authenticity? I don't get it.
When I went out dancing, not to meet anyone but because before I got too sick, I loved dancing. I danced by myself. Frequently men approached me and basically read off their resumes without even saying, "hello" and "how are you" and trying to get to know me. I'm not claiming that all men are that way, it just been vastly my experience, at least when I was visible because I was a beautiful dancer and so rather than get to know me, men wanted to "own" me. catch the golden ring as if I was a thing not a person.
I'm sorry that it's a time when men don't know how to be themselves. I'm sorry some of them don't have social skills. As a female I was taught terrible things at home about how to be a female. It was utter victimization: don't speak up, your needs aren't important - only boys deserve opportunities... I was never taught I could say no to a boy so I almost let a boy rape me because I'd been taught my only use was to please others. SO, please don't think the social programing goes only one way on this.
I did SO MUCH WORK to overcome all this. I took responsibility to make myself a better person. If not for the repeat trauma patterns I doubt very much that I'd never married. I've noticed that the only men who were attracted to me were ones who were unstable. I clearly just don't attract healthy men. And THAT isn't about any typical or normal factors, it's because of the trauma that repeats itself and I suppose my energy field that contains abuse that people unconsciously pick up on and respond to negatively.
You are correct in everything you said here, including my oversimplification. You are, however, describing specific problems that are not a part of the general norm when it comes to dating, and as you said, your personal problems may play a part in your situation with who you attract.
I hope that this clears up any misunderstandings here
You seem like a good and caring person, from what I can read.
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WearyHSP
Student
- Dec 12, 2021
- 164
Hi Julgran,
It felt bad to share my personal experiences and be reduced to confirmation bias. That said, much credit to you for reading my response and kindly noting that I'm not typical.
Sadly, you can't make yourself typical when you're consummately and inherently fringe. Always an outsider.
Thank you for responding in kind!
I - as much as everyone else - can express myself clumsily sometimes
Have a wonderful day or night going forwards.
WearyHSP
Student
- Dec 12, 2021
- 164
WearyHSP
Student
- Dec 12, 2021
- 164
It was upsetting. But I responded to clarify hoping it might make a difference. And it did. You read it and you were kind.
I should add that my entire life, or at least what I remember, I've been the outcast in my family. They don't listen to me, they diminish me and actively silence me. They don't do that to anyone else - just me. I can only guess that the pattern is related to the terrible trauma that happened only to me, and because of their need for forced positivity at all times. Just my existence has always been a problem. That pattern has since followed me in life. I suppose trauma is magnetic in some way that I don't fully understand. I found it quite literally repeats itself.
So I felt misunderstood and shut down by your response. I have a history. I also have a neuro-immune illness and the brain stuff has taken a toll on my ability to remain calm. I'm more reactive these last 3 years than ever in my life. It doesn't help to have no quality of life and no hope for the future.
We're good. All is clarified and good.
I will die without having a girlfriend, love is not for everybody and girls dont like ugly guys
I understand now, dear @WearyHSP. We, as members of this community, are such as disparate collection of individuals that we probably have no idea how someone else's life has turned out the way it has, sometimes.
I truly appreciate your honesty, integrity and explanation.
WearyHSP
Student
- Dec 12, 2021
- 164
You made me cry. Finally for a good reason, feeling heard. Thank you.
We can only process from our own limited experiences. Curiosity and compassion has become a rarity. I'd be better at it if I didn't have so much brain fog myself.
AND, my experiences are truly fringe and so it's nearly impossible for anyone to believe me / not in order:
- After my first flashback I sat on the couch with a friend and it lifted off the ground (only an inch but still.)
- On a Monday I knew something bad was coming and I prayed, "God, get me to Saturday!" and I was strangled and beaten in my condo at 10:30pm and by Saturday I was in the hospital. (How did I know I had to survive until Saturday?)
- After that, the director of the spiritual community in which I'd been a high level teacher for 4 years suddenly decided that I'm competitive and bad with the students and I was kicked out. (You'll have to take my word that I'm the absolute opposite of competitive as that's a trauma trigger - I tend to get small and non-threatening as a safety strategy.)
- Before that I had the same sense of dread, my boyfriend who begged me to move in to his house turned into a monster the day I moved in. Had to get out but had no plan. Within days of the dread I got laid off, I broke up with him so had to move, while packing up to move, got in a 5 car pile up (Lost my job, my relationship, my home and my car within two weeks.)
- More recently, The jekyll-hyde example I already shared, I'd lost my job right before that and knew, because that's how it happened before, that my car was next. Prayed and prayed and prayed since I was so sick I could only keep temp jobs and luckily didn't get into an accident* but my car was totaled by the rain. Every other car in the car port was fine and mine was flooded. *3 months after replacing that car someone hit me in a parking lot. I attribute that to the energy of the "hit" that I'd alleviated with my prayers, but still needed to come through, just not a major accident thank God.
- My first car got hit and run, I fixed it. Then it got stolen outside the house i was renting a room in. BUT, that morning when I walked out the door to go to work, it felt like an invisible hand grasped my ankle and I fell onto the cement. After I stood back up I realized the car was gone. It was found but totaled by the damage.
- A close friend who I shared these insights with and who believed me helped me pack to move and planned to be at the lease signing the next day. She didn't show. Mind you, not a thing had changed since the day before. From that day forward she hates me and won't speak to me. (This is a frequent pattern but this time was particularly heart-breaking.)
- I visited friends (a couple) who thought it'd be a hoot to visit their old town, mainstreet shop where a witch worked. She stared at me the entire time and it freaked out the guy especially. I wish I'd had to courage to ask what she was looking at but I just put my head down. I think she saw a curse or something of the kind. All I know is that in my flashbacks, I ws given body and soul to a satanic cult. That's why I begged them to kill me. Better than what I endured.
Multiply this list by 1000 and you'll have some idea of my life. The hardest part of all of this is there's only one person whose been willing to listen and who knows about everything. Not one person in my entire life has been willing to hear me on this including therapists. Constantly silenced and silently screaming to be heard.
These are just highlights. It's A LOT of really strange stuff.
Phew. Party of one (Julgran) do you think I'm crazy now? (thank you for reading this, if you do.)
I didn't notice the patterns when I was young, just picked myself up and tried again, but after 5 decades, the patterns are undeniable. And, seemingly science fiction.
Go easy on yourself, miss Rabbit! I'll hold your paw throughout this post
If I may ask, what was the flashback all about? I'm just asking, because it feels like you started to list your experiences somewhere in the middle of your life story.
You don't have to answer this question, but was the strangling a result of a bad relationship, or was it some type of mugging attempt by an unknown outsider?
When it comes to work, I have heard that employers can make up any ecuse that they want to fire someone, so maybe there was something else that made the employer accuse you of being competitive. I'm not blaming you here - I'm just clarifying that it could have been a made-up excuse and a way for them to hire someone else, for example. Anyhow, it was a very unfair way of treating you - that's unquestionable.
Situations like these can, indeed, be especially dreadful, since every little thing that happens adds to the already out-of-control situation. Add to that the fact that all those things that you lost are really important, it must have felt awful and hopeless. I'm glad that you made it through.
Since I'm not religious myself, I can't genuinely connect with your beliefs here, but I do recognize your outlook on life in these circumstances. It's almost ironic how one single person can be so exposed to every bad thing that could happen, yet the rest of the world seems to be spared.
This came unexpectedly. Do you think that something else might have happened to make your friend hate you? Perhaps they really didn't want to help you, and just made up excuses in order to not be bound to you any more.
I'm not really following you here. Do you mean that you have begged a satanic cult to kill you?
If it's of any value to you, think of other people's reactions like this, if you will:
Other, seemingly happy or normal people will never try to understand your problems, because if they do, every point you make will shatter their world view and open their eyes to the fact that life is not a city in the clouds, built on a bed of roses. In other words, we are often left alone with our problems - whatever they might be - so we would do good in trying to help ourselves more, instead of relying on other people, who may not even care.
Whether you are crazy or not is irrelevant, because even if you were crazy, these experiences are still true to you, and they need to be dealt with by you
I hope you at least feel much better now, even though your life has not changed at all in a concrete sense, after reading this post.
I am, by objective standards, lucky in ways. But finding romantic love is one thing I can honestly say that I have always been a total, complete, unqualified failure. And I'm 61.
WearyHSP
Student
- Dec 12, 2021
- 164
Julgran you're clever.
I'm grateful for all the questions. Thank you for that. It's going to take some time to answer them all.
AGE 7 - Unremembered Trauma
I guess the place to start is to explain that between 1st and 2nd grade (I assume the trauma event happened in the summer) I changed from being an active, social, healthy, playful, confidant child to getting headaches and stomach aches, I gained weight, I stopped playing both during recess at school and after school with my neighborhood friends. There was a drastic change. I didn't know what happened. I recall being in second grade (after it happened) and staring at a hopscotch drawing and recalling that an entire year before a jealous girl had told me that I was popular, only because I was NEW (I'd moved across the country and hadn't been there for kindergarten.) and that everyone would get bored of me after the newness passed. As I recalled that, I thought, "I guess she was right." Which tells me, even then, I didn't remember what happened. I didn't understand what had happened to make me so different and why I no longer had friends.
It's obvious in retrospect, I didn't have friends because I'd withdrawn and was no longer fun to be around. Previously, I'd organized games for others to play with me. Then, I walked around the school perimeter rather than play.
My sister who was 11 noticed the change and was worried and told my mom she should do something to help me but my mother has always been self absorbed and couldn't be bothered.
I pulled out of it about 6 years later. I can, however, identify the negative repeat patterns that had already begun by this time. It took decades before I pieced them all together. When I have a PTSD bout, I get the exact same symptoms of what happened when I was 7. My energy drops, I gain weight... finally manifested into hashimotos hypothyroiditis, which I get with every PTSD bout, and then permanently with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
First Flashback
Therapy had only done me harm so I searched in other directions in my pursuit for relief from the mysterious trauma that I didn't remember. I joined a Clairvoyant Training program because the beginner classes had helped me so much in staying grounded and identifying what was me versus others (HSP = Highly Sensitive Person and I feel people. years later I even felt 911, 3 days before it happened.) I hadn't identified that at the time though, but that's why the classes helped me so much. The program was often referred to as 20 years of therapy in a year. That's why I joined.
I include that to explain that I believe the flashback came as a result of my doing so much internal work and clearing so much out of my energy field through meditation etc. In fact the flashback happened after I'd finished a reading and was still in the building.
Over the course of two weeks I'd seen a clock on the wall pop up in my mind's eye. It was at 12 originally and then over the course of about 2 weeks it would pop up again and click forward. I assume this was my subconscious trying to prepare me for what was coming to the surface. That night after the reading, the clock popped up again and clicked back to 12 and in the same moment I was flooded with sounds, and visions and feelings: I saw blood, heard a goat bleeting, I saw my Dad's boss's face, I heard screaming and it felt like the worse evil imaginable. I had led a sheltered life but it seemed clear this was satanic. I was 30 when I had this flashback. I had several more in my 40s.
I asked my mother about my dad's boss and she mentioned that his youngest daughter had always been suicidal. That her life had improved and she'd married but then she killed herself... and that's when my mom using hand gestures while she said, "she killed her self by stabbing herself repeatedly in the gut" That's not evidence, but I believe stabbing oneself in the female parts/abdomen, is really about trying to get something dark and abusive out of her body. No one would choose that as their suicide method if it was planned.
My parents continued to have a relationship with this man long after my father left the company and we moved back across the country again. I learned recently that my father had drastically changed the same year as I did. I believe that my mother was aligned with that man and that my father became suddenly fearful and angry because he wasn't involved but on some level, knew something was very wrong. He was in sales so would be traveling for days at a time, away from home.
I don't know how to make this more succinct. I hope you, Julgran, continue to read, I really appreciate being heard. The other answers can be shorter.
WearyHSP
Student
- Dec 12, 2021
- 164
I should have included, just for clarity, that after having the first flashback, I went to my then boyfriend's home. He was a very good psychic, much better then I was, and asked him to look at what I'd just experienced. While we sat on the couch meditating on it, the couch lifted off the floor. Like I said, maybe it was just an inch. But we were sitting on it so we both felt the movement as well as the "slam" as it hit the floor. If I'd been alone when this happened, I wouldn' tbe telling you because I would've discounted myself. I wanted to belive it was an earthquake - but nothing else in the house moved, just the couch.
I'd never seen the perp before he broke into my home. It was only after I was assaulted that I learned from my neighbors that they all knew about him. Before I bought the condo a year before, he had slapped a woman in the shared pool locker area, but the woman couldn't pick him out in a lineup so they had to let him go. That happened to me too, I couldn't pick him out in a lineup. I'd been warned that trauma does that, but was shocked that was the case. Luckily I provided DNA and he was caught only because of that. It was his 3rd time in prison.
I didn't know why he was in my home, he never said anything or had an expression, he slowly walked up to me, naked in bed, and threw me to the ground, held me down by the throat and punched me repeatedly in the eyes (Repeat pattern of "don't see this" and "Shut up" - eyes and throat.) I fought back because I assumed he planned to rape me but when I noticed he had medical gloves beneath his winter gloves, That when I thought, "Oh, he's going to kill me." Strangely, as I literally fighting back so as not to be raped, I felt complete peace with the prospect of being killed.
That was actually a helpful piece of the puzzle since I'd not yet had any flashbacks since the first one, but weird stuff had clearly been happening to me.
BTW, the CEO at my job at the time verbally attacked me and I wasn't "in" my body that Friday night, which is why I went home and got into bed rather than make dinner and prep for the class I was going to teach the next day. As I drove home I audibly heard, "You're going to die tonight." I don't usually have clairaudience, and when I do it usually comes as a thought, not as a palpable sound. It was raining so I thought the warning was about a car accident, as that had happened to me twice already. Never would've guessed I'd be attacked by a stranger.
Remember, I felt this on Monday, and prayed, "God get me to Saturday." The assault happened at 10:30pm on Friday and by Saturday I was in the hospital.
NOTE: I have zero PTSD from this event. Worth noting as trauma is derived from the victim's perspective. I belive that's because what happened when I was 7 was a million times worse.
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greyautumnsky
I am wound like the guts of a clock,
- Dec 9, 2021
- 37
From my experience... romantic relationships are a lie. Love is often one sided.
The ideal we all dream about, and hope and strive for is so rare. So. I don't hope for it anymore, dream about it anymore, or work toward it anymore. There honestly isn't a point.
The ideal we all dream about, and hope and strive for is so rare. So. I don't hope for it anymore, dream about it anymore, or work toward it anymore. There honestly isn't a point.
WearyHSP
Student
- Dec 12, 2021
- 164
Julgran, you're clever!
I only just learned you can't see my response from Friday. I'm not sure what's offensive in order to re-write so I sent a brief DM to you in explanation.
WearyHSP
Student
- Dec 12, 2021
- 164
Thanks Julgran. Got it!
Confirming: "This message is awaiting moderator approval, and is invisible to normal visitors."
I expect my post won't be approved. but I explained:
1. What happened when I was 7
2. Described my flashback at age 30 which since I guess it was considered too graphic so I'll say, in flashes of sound and vision and feeling, pointed to an experience along the line of "Rosemary's Baby"
3. The vision included my father's boss at the time (We'd visited his house during the summer twice that year.) That man's daughter later ctb'd using a method that seemed linked to sexual abuse. (not evidence, but fits with what I experienced in the flashback.)
I have no idea why the couch lifted off the floor while sitting on it, only that it was truly disturbing. I could be that:
1. The energy it took to recall the memory, which remains still so completely shut down because it was so horrifying, brought forth some kind of kinetic energy, like mothers who can lift cars when their child is stuck underneath - I know it's not the same as an adrenaline reaction but that's the best analogy I can come up with.
2. There is some kind of curse or entity involved. (Trust me, I didn't start my search in this place, it took decades of repeat patterns and insights from others to draw this possible conclusion. I know it's fringe, but I've lived a life that few people can conceive of.)
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WearyHSP
Student
- Dec 12, 2021
- 164
Back to answering questions. Hopefully my answers get approved.
(I'm so used to being silenced.)Your question to my original comment:
"After that, the director of the spiritual community in which I'd been a high level teacher for 4 years suddenly decided that I'm competitive and bad with the students and I was kicked out. (You'll have to take my word that I'm the absolute opposite of competitive as that's a trauma trigger - I tend to get small and non-threatening as a safety strategy.)"
RESPONSE
This wasn't a paid job. I had my day job and then I donated my time as a teacher at a small center on nights and weekends. A couple owned the center and gave me more and more responsibilities as the four years passed because I had such an extensive background by that time. I was really good at it and it gave me a sense of purpose.
After the assault, people at the center were great for two weeks. Then I'm guessing they started to get triggered by my existence. I didn't talk about the assault, I was really low key about it. The husband of the duo is the one who decided I was competitive with AKA bad for the students. I'm certain he believed it. His wife took me to lunch and told me in so many words that his perception was wrong but she would defer to him and I should look at myself and where I attract "guilt and blame" as if it was my fault that he came to this wrong conclusion about me. (a subtle version of blaming the victim.) But of course, that's a repeat pattern from what happened when I was 7 - blaming the victim.
That repeat pattern of people suddenly turning on me is what happened. I've got so many examples! But too much for this post so I'll stop here.
WearyHSP
Student
- Dec 12, 2021
- 164
WadeingThru
Experienced
- Feb 25, 2022
- 209
You just need to find someone that shares your interests. Maybe you should hook up with someone that wants to CBT. That's my best advice because that's all I know bout ya.
O_oreo.
Member
- Dec 30, 2021
- 51
that same message, is the one I am trying to accept, after 20 years of rejections, mockery or indifference, I am trying to make my brain process this message: love is not for you, you will never have a partner, but I don't know if it is my pride higher than my self-esteem (my self-esteem is shit), that doesn't allow me to accept it, I don't know what to do...
psychologists do not give me an accurate answer to this and acquaintances or family always come with the typical phrase: you have to wait, fuck you, I have waited, I have talked to guys (they never take the initiative with me, it's just me), and they always look at me with a disgusted face, my physique is not like for you to say: I fall in love with you, but worse than that, I only meet old perverts or young stalkers who manipulate me or invade me with messages so that I do what they want.
when the nice or lucky in love people hear this they come with their absurd compassion which only makes me even angrier.
I don't know what is wrong with me...but I am making my effort to accept that.
psychologists do not give me an accurate answer to this and acquaintances or family always come with the typical phrase: you have to wait, fuck you, I have waited, I have talked to guys (they never take the initiative with me, it's just me), and they always look at me with a disgusted face, my physique is not like for you to say: I fall in love with you, but worse than that, I only meet old perverts or young stalkers who manipulate me or invade me with messages so that I do what they want.
when the nice or lucky in love people hear this they come with their absurd compassion which only makes me even angrier.
I don't know what is wrong with me...but I am making my effort to accept that.
