I´m absolutely brilliant at making "friends". Like I can be in a town for 24hrs max before I have a "local", and multiple groups at the local that will gladly let me sit at their table and drink with them. And for whatever reason, idk maybe i give off a "this guy has issues" vibe, I´ll have people spilling their guts drunkenly at me.
What I don't have is friends. Not real ones. I've never managed that. Not a anyone I can spill to, not anyone I can rely on. And I'm never quite sure if that's because they're unwilling to be leaned on or because I'm unwilling to be weak. But either way, the end result is that I´m a Pub Friend at best. and the one friend I have that was more... well, we fell out of contact years ago and I have long since stopped being his call-on person. And its been 10, 15, years and it still huts that i´m not that anymore, if i efver was. still hurts that i was madly wildly in love with him and too aware of myself to let it happen and also too scared to let it hppen.
and now i´m 33, 34 in december. i live in a town of 600 ish people and everyone knows and greets me. i am by many metrics beloved in this close community. and i am the most alone ive ever been. i'm never invited, but nobody minds if i turn up. and that's how friendships have been my whole life. i never learned how to turn this sort of thing into real friendship. never learned how to make it so if i leave, people keep in contact, or at least miss me. most i´ve ever been to anyone is maybe, someone somewhere that I lived, is thinking once in a while" I remember him, wonder what he's up to?"
thinking about this now because I'm writing a will and/or "who is in charge of my cats" type thing and... I have nobody. No friends. Deliberately stopped talking to my family. <few people round here I could get close to reveal themselves to be antisemitic as shit so...
yeah. Apologies to my employees and the british embassy and the local cat charity but... you are all I have
What I don't have is friends. Not real ones. I've never managed that. Not a anyone I can spill to, not anyone I can rely on. And I'm never quite sure if that's because they're unwilling to be leaned on or because I'm unwilling to be weak. But either way, the end result is that I´m a Pub Friend at best. and the one friend I have that was more... well, we fell out of contact years ago and I have long since stopped being his call-on person. And its been 10, 15, years and it still huts that i´m not that anymore, if i efver was. still hurts that i was madly wildly in love with him and too aware of myself to let it happen and also too scared to let it hppen.
and now i´m 33, 34 in december. i live in a town of 600 ish people and everyone knows and greets me. i am by many metrics beloved in this close community. and i am the most alone ive ever been. i'm never invited, but nobody minds if i turn up. and that's how friendships have been my whole life. i never learned how to turn this sort of thing into real friendship. never learned how to make it so if i leave, people keep in contact, or at least miss me. most i´ve ever been to anyone is maybe, someone somewhere that I lived, is thinking once in a while" I remember him, wonder what he's up to?"
thinking about this now because I'm writing a will and/or "who is in charge of my cats" type thing and... I have nobody. No friends. Deliberately stopped talking to my family. <few people round here I could get close to reveal themselves to be antisemitic as shit so...
yeah. Apologies to my employees and the british embassy and the local cat charity but... you are all I have
