Story I give up

[whs]

This is my first proper introduction post here. I'm not really sure what to do since I've never had the chance to be open with my problems but I've seen others do this so..

I have a derealisation disorder. I don't really feel like anything I do has an impact on anyone so therefore, I don't really feel urgency and motivation which people mistake for laziness and it's definitely gotten worse over these past couple of years. I've been thinking about it but I'm not sure that I'd want to be here much longer. I don't plan to kms too soon, but probably within the year. My derealisation has gotten significantly worse to the point where i dont recognise my own face some times. When i look in the mirror, my skin becomes itchy and after an episode ive basically scratched into my face and recently, I probably had my worst attack yet.

I was in a video call and people who had their cameras on, their faces and the darkness when I closed my eyes became distorted into really scary things so I wasn't able to sleep it off which made me go into panic which music normally helps but it wasn't. I couldn't get the images of their gruesome faces out of my head. My body was completely locked from fear, and I was barely able to move, so I physically couldn't do anything to clear my head or attempt to. I reached out to my friend who suffers from the same thing, and even they were at a loss of what to do, which left me thinking how I'm a lost cause. With the lack of accessible professional help, I'm just beyond saving. It was so painful, and I suffered for basically 3 hrs before somewhat breaking out of the lock and was able to calm myself. I'm scared I might not be able to break from that lock again and I just can't keep living with that sort of paranoia. As well as planning some methods that I'd found I felt a sense of relief how I will soon be rid of this torture, basically.

The bad thing is I don't feel sad I dont care about what "impact" this would have on my family. They don't exist, they won't react, everything I know will soon cease to exist as soon as my pulse drops.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with something like this. Truthfully, I can't even imagine what it must be like. I can understand how terrifying it must be. May I ask why no accessible help is available to you? Most people who resort to suicide at least attempt help first when it comes to *issues* like this, although the help they received never actually helped them. Is there no place else you can go for help? I'm not trying to tell you what you should do, just trying ti understand more about your situation.

Regardless, I hope you find any information you seek here on SaSu and, no matter what happens in your life going forward, that you can get to the peace you deserve. Welcome to SaSu.

 

[whs]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with something like this. Truthfully, I can't even imagine what it must be like. I can understand how terrifying it must be. May I ask why no accessible help is available to you? Most people who resort to suicide at least attempt help first when it comes to *issues* like this, although the help they received never actually helped them. Is there no place else you can go for help? I'm not trying to tell you what you should do, just trying ti understand more about your situation.

Regardless, I hope you find any information you seek here on SaSu and, no matter what happens in your life going forward, that you can get to the peace you deserve. Welcome to SaSu.

I'm still young, I still live with my parents and they're also mentally unstable but in denial. If I were to tell them, I may not be taken seriously and I'd only be doing it for attention or something worse. I'm heavily monitored on what I do online which is why this account is made on a throw away email. If they were to find out, I'd probably not have Internet access. Which is why I'm delaying my ctb date till I have the opportunity to do so without them finding out.

I don't normally ask my friends for help, only when it's very necessary, but they aren't very stable either and I don't want to make their situation worse. And those who are stable just don't know what to do which obviously isn't helpful but it's the thought that counts.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you've been through and I understand why you would feel so relieved at the thought of being free from all the suffering, existence really is too cruel. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.